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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

272 replies

Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 00:47

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2014 20:39

Old it is not you, you are not hideous, please do not think that.

the fact other people have a hard time does not mean you should too.

Please be nice to you.

My pc is playing up so I can't see all of this. But some of it sums up what I feel.

findingjoy.net/i-am-worth-it/

JollyJingle · 24/12/2014 20:57

It must be incredibly difficult for you and so frustrating to have had a lovely satisfying life with someone you felt was your soulmate but who has turned into an absolutely horrible abusive man and just not understand why.

I feel like shaking him until his teeth rattle and asking him why? What's happened? What's changed? Where did your lovely husband go?

It's crazy and in your shoes I would feel I am going mad but it's something with him and nothing to do with you, never forget that.

He does sound as though he is working very long hours but so do you and you haven't grown devils horns! Maybe stress has something to do with it? Can you both cut your hours and take a holiday without the children? Fwiw you sound amazing to manage all you do and still want to have good sex. Most men and women would be on their knees.

Would going together to couples counselling help? Would he sit with you and just discuss what he is doing and why he is hurting you this way? Can he explain why he is behaving this way? Does he understand why he is? Most of all I hope now he understands the awful affect it has on you and never makes an attempt to do it again.

Please do what everyone says and make it absolutely clear you will not be used like this again.
As in: DH do not ever ask me for xyz again
DH do not ever try to initiate xyz again
DH if you do I will walk out of this room and sleep on the couch and contact a divorce solicitor.

snowflake02 · 24/12/2014 21:44

I couldn't call it rape either. But if there is no consent, that is what it is, whether we are able to admit it to ourselves or not. But you must call it what you are comfortable calling it.

I too felt like a fraud calling Rape Crisis and Women's Aid, but they were really helpful. In fact I think it was the lady I spoke to at Rape Crisis that first named it for me. I think pompodd said earlier that rape doesn't always fit the stereotype the media would have us believe, I still have to remind myself of that.

Perhaps counselling might be helpful in exploring your feelings? Your GP might be able to arrange this for you. My therapist has been invaluable to me. It doesn't matter if you can't talk about it to start with, they will understand. Talking on the phone to Rape Crisis before I started counselling was helpful as I was far too ashamed to say it to someone face to face.

I am sorry you are in this situation and really hope you find a solution you are happy with. Well done for acknowledging that something is wrong. That is the first step. And a very hard step to take.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 24/12/2014 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2014 23:36

How are you doing Old?

NameChange30 · 25/12/2014 23:43

^ I've been wondering the same thing. Hope you're ok OP. xx

Original poster

Oldnamenomore · 26/12/2014 19:15

Thanks for thinking of me. I am ok , we had a nice Christmas and things are ok.

OP posts:

Summergarden · 27/12/2014 00:24

Glad you have had an okay Christmas.

It does sounds as if he is a good husband and Dad in many ways, but porn has poisoned his mind. He needs to show willing to at the very least be prepared to read research about the dangers of watching such porn can have on normal relationships, if he isn't prepared to attend relationship counselling.
Thinking of you.

Original poster

Oldnamenomore · 27/12/2014 08:59

He is a good dad a lot of the time. He is now barely talking about anything and rolled into bed blind drunk last night. I am not sure how much all of this had improved things. I just can't wait for the holidays to be over so I can go back to work . At least I getto talk and think about normal things then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oldnamenomore · 27/12/2014 09:00

Summer- he still denies looking at porn other than very occasionally and denies he masturbates much at all (I know he does a few times a week I can tell but beyond this I am not sure).

OP posts:

minklundy · 27/12/2014 09:15

He needs to do something about it.
Don't let him off the hook.
Less work. Gp for his concentration issues

Summergarden · 27/12/2014 09:43

It doesn't really matter how regularly (or not) he looks at porn. I think that when the point is reached that when a man has accessed certain types of porn (even if not very often watched or was in the past) eg anal, then it fine tunes their expectations from their real life relationship. They don't think about it in a rational way, considering what is well known about the porn industry ie that it is largely made up of young, abused girls and/or drug addicted young girls desperate enough to do anything to get their next hit. It certainly doesn't represent you're average, normal and healthy loving relationship and how they have have sex and that's what he must acknowledge.

The main thing that you must remember sweetie is that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. You sound like a wonderful wife and mum trying your very hardest to make things right. But you are not with the problem, he is. Believe me, most women would not put up with what he is expecting and he will lose all respect for you if you let yourself be abused like one of the girls in the porn videos he's watched. Please, please be very firm that what he has asked for it not an option full stop.

You are a normal, healthy and loving woman in her prime and do not deserve to be asked to put up with this.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2014 12:15

OP you are doing really well. It's a lot to take in all at once and will take time for things to change permanently. I expect he will try it again, he is just leaving you alone for a bit because you were so upset.

I do think you should speak to him again and ask for his assurance that he will never, ever attempt to do those things you have told him you don't like.

You could tell him that if you can't trust him not to do it, you won't be having sex with him at all. Ever. And where would that leave your relationship.

nauticant · 27/12/2014 21:57

I expect he will try it again, he is just leaving you alone for a bit because you were so upset

He'll be struggling with two conflicting drives. One is that he gets excited by anally raping his wife. The other is knowing that if he doesn't back off for a while there's a risk he'll be arrested.

This isn't really a case where counselling as a couple is going to provide anything useful to you at all.

Although you could try and negotiate some kind of "here are my lines, cross them and I'll call the police" with your H, that looks like an utterly tragic shell of a relationship. Sorry OP.

Original poster

Oldnamenomore · 27/12/2014 22:41

I don't think at this point that he would be that upset if we never had sex again. It has been me basically expecting to have sex and then him only being at to in that way that has caused this. So perhaps it would be better if we just didn't. I am pretty sure that if I never initiate anything it won't happen at all - so he won't try it again unless I start it which sounds very odd even typing it but it really is the truth. I think maybe that side of our relationship has just failed totally now and it's just a case of getting on without it. He won't mind and I will have to learn to live with it.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 27/12/2014 22:53

No, my lovely, you have not caused this.

You initiating sex is fine, normal and natural in a relationship. Him wanting it only on his terms, knowing that you don't want it like that, is not acceptable.

I think he might be trying to pull a fast one here. He is basically saying, 'Do it my way or not at all'. I think you need to call his bluff and see what happens. Tell, him that there is no way on earth you are doing it like that again and then wait and see.

You have nothing to lose. Time to start taking stock of this relationship and see what you really mean to him. Even without sex, you can still be affectionate and loving towards each other. Will he do that?

You do not need penetration to have a satisfying sex life. There are other alternatives out there. Will he consider that?

HelenaDove · 27/12/2014 22:57

Reads to me like he would withdraw affection and sex from you if you dont "allow" him anal.

This man IS an abuser OP.

NameChange30 · 27/12/2014 23:03

I agree with the two posters above. You don't have to live with it, OP. You might be happier without him and you might find someone who will give you the love, attention and respect you deserve.

wallaby73 · 28/12/2014 07:26

Why wouldyou want that shell of a relationship? "I'll get used to it". You sound so defeated, so low. You DESERVE so much more than this sham x

JollyJingle · 28/12/2014 10:40

There is really something very odd going on in his behaviour but it is so frustrating that he can't or won't discuss it with you and try to resolve the problem.

I agree you should just back off sexually if he is reacting in a way you don't like. Call his bluff and withdraw until he comes clean with his horrible behaviour to you.

Ultimately you need to get some help with the relationship as a whole. I don't see how a wonderful, kind, caring person turns into an abusive monster when the lights go out.

anonacfr · 28/12/2014 12:23

I agree there is something odd about his behaviour. OP what I don't get is that you say he would be happy not having sex again but before you mentioned he would be expecting it because you'd had a sex free evening and morning.

What would happen if you didn't initiate anything? Do you feel you have to?

The previous poster is right. Call his bluff.

YonicSleighdriver · 03/01/2015 17:43

Hope you are ok

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