Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

you feel resposible for his erectile difficulties. You feel responsible for him feeling bad if he doesn't get anal.
Do you just feel everything is your fault in general??

Destiny, ive used that joke with my dp too. Its a joke between two people who know theyre not in some weird dynamic. I dont think its apropriate here at all

I don't place responsibility onto the OP but as she's the only person in the relationship to come on here to ask for input, she's the only one that can listen to others ( including me) take on the situation. I have however advised Relate.

Right so OP pleads and begs for him not to do something, says no, and he carries on regardless. What part of that is not rape or sexual abuse?

OP, you will only ever stop this from happening by saying no and meaning it. Do not let him just carry on. It is your body, you decide what happens to it during sex, not anyone else, including your Husband.

If he truly loved and respected you, he would be horrified to even contemplate forcing you to do a sex act that you didn't like.

Are you also 100% sure where he is when meant to be working? 6am - 9pm is a very long day to be in the office.............if that is where he is of course until that time at night.

If people can come on here (MN that is) Bran and talk about anal sex, threesomes, dogging and sex with aliens, my nightie reference is very tame. Inappropriate? It's an example of a sexual relationship which isn't always rose petal strewn beds, but sometimes a bit of fun and a joke, ending with sex and a cuddle and a direct contrast to the OPs description of coercive sex.

But humour isn't allowed

destiny, this thread isn't about you. Can you leave it now please. Everyone hears you, its not appropriate

House. Are you actually deranged? What joke about rape?

Destiny - that it's the OP is asking for advice is of no relevance to the fact that your advice implies she may be responsible. You could have said to here what others have done - that the ED issues may well be nothing to do with her, which is a fact.

Twinkle. Where does it imply she is responsible

I'd better tell DH he's sexually abusive then!

Only one person is ever responsible for their behaviour. Never another and that's a fact!

Here:

This is not a sexual problem but a relationship one. For some reason he doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore, or some part of your relationship has become stale and boring for him. You have 5 children so they take up a lot of time and energy and you are together all the time in your joint business and I think you have just become a piece of furniture.

As Destiny clearly isn't going to stop I'd suggest that everyone stops responding or reacting to her posts as it's only encouraging her.

Hello all and apologies OP for barging into your thread, we wish you the best of luck and we hope you find lots of support and advice here.

Can we all please focus back on the OP and not fighting with each other and also point you in the direction of our #WeBelieveYou campaign, just in case there are a few Rape Myths flying around on this thread.

Thanks for the TED talk link, very interesting.

I don't really feel comfortable saying he is abusive just because we actually get on really well in everyday life. I do love him and I am pretty sure he loves me. I am really pleased I posted just because I was starting to think I was going insane - I posted a thread under another name not long ago about having panic attacks and It was useless because the advice people gave just didn't help because I couldn't bring myself to give a reason behind it . I think just posting here and actually writing about it even though it is anonymous has been very helpful I feel a little less crazy now.

I am really sorry that I can't be this person to stand up and argue with him or accuse him of all this i know it sounds really really pathetic but I know that I will crumble under that kind of pressure . I am really glad that people have been so ...well ...nice I think j just needed to feel a little less on my own.

That twinkle is not blaming the OP. She is asking opinions on a forum about why her H is behaving in a sexually uncaring and abusive way towards her. My opinion is that this is maybe how he sees her now. It's not a criticism of her it's just something for her to examine to see if this is a possible explanation for his behaviour. After all he laughed at her when a client asked her out. That would say to me he doesn't find her attractive and he can't understand why anyone else would.

Sorry but it's a fact of life not a criticism or a blame game, that sometimes husbands and wives don't find the other attractive anymore, and I was just throwing that into the mix for consideration.

This isn't to say she is unattractive as I think a woman running her own business and asked out by a client must be reasonably attractive but for some reason the H sees differently. It's him with the problem, that's quite obvious, either in his perceptions of his wife or of his whole life in general. Maybe he is just a nasty little shit? OP says not most of the time and presumably doesn't want to leave the marriage as thats not her post. Maybe she should leave him. My opinion is one of many she should look at and consider which is right for her situation.

OP, please do call it whatever you are comfortable with. Unpleasant, unacceptable, hateful, nasty, unkind, whatever.

But don't lose sight of the fact that he is repeatedly doing something he knows you hate sexually even though you have told him not to in a number of different ways. Those are facts, not descriptors.

Please take care.

OP, you aren't crazy at all and you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You realised something wasn't quite right and tested it anonymously here and got responses which have given you some cause for thought.

And if you don't want to argue or accuse, again, that's fine. It's your life, your body and your relationship. The only thing I'd say, though (and I really don't mean this to sound preachy and as it's coming from a man please do feel free to tell me to bog off!) is that I think it's really important for your well-being and self-esteem that you feel able to explain to your DH what you are comfortable with and what you are not when it comes to sex. And, critically, for you to have sufficient resolve to hold to that position. Otherwise, where does that leave you and your autonomy over your own life and body?

If he loves you as you say he does, believe me, he will be supportive of you.

I wish you well.