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Original poster

Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

272 replies

Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 00:47

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:10

If he has no problems by himself, could he get himself hard and then you take over? Then you, err, take a role a little earlier each time?

YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:12

Christ, OP, sorry I cross posted with you. He is insisting that you do something he knows you don't like?

That is very bad.

Original poster
Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 09:12

He doesn't have problems getting hard it's just that it goes away Blush in the middle and that's when all of these problems start.

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:12

Has he always given you very little or is that new too?

Original poster
Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 09:14

I think it has always been me doing more BUT he has always reciprocated which he doesn't so much now.

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:15

Ok, you need to have a conversation with him when you are not in bed saying that you do not like X, you have never liked it, you won't be doing it again and he should not try and insist that you do as that would be a criminal act.

How would he react to that, do
You think?

Original poster
Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 09:16

Sorry I don't mean he insists that I do things I mean he insists that I do like them. He doesn't really force me or insist on it.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 23/12/2014 09:16

Another one on why porn can cause ED. It's a bit worrying that if it is having a negative impact on his real sex life with you, that he would not be willing to stop or reduce watching it. You may say there is nothing you can do about it but I would argue that there is, you just don't want to have to take those steps which is understandable.

If you find the sexual acts he is expecting 'embarrassing and upsetting' then this is a really big problem IMO. Sex is supposed to be fun, intimate and respectful and when part of a committed relationship, loving. Yours sounds none of these things. For me personally, this would be an absolute deal breaker.

Original poster
Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 09:16

I have told him this many times , I have told him "I hate this" which is pretty clear!

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:19

OP, he is insisting you like something when you have told him clearly you hate it, and then you end up doing it anyway.

That's pretty coercive.

Original poster
Oldnamenomore · 23/12/2014 09:21

I suppose it is coercive when you see it written down .

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:23

Yes it's is. I'm sorry sweetheart Flowers

YonicSleighdriver · 23/12/2014 09:25

If you tell him today that you will not be doing X again and if he asks you will get up out of bed, what do you think would happen?

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 09:25

At a basic level he is taking it for granted that you are prepared to put up with with this. The way you write.... talking about having bad sex for the rest of your life .... sounds like you're resigned to the idea and don't think you have any choices. You say you never argue and I suspect that's more because you tend to cave and do as he wishes rather than because there is nothing you disagree about. In spite of five children you sound very naive about sex and relationships in general... due to lack of experience, no doubt. All of which puts you in a very weak position and will lead to disrespect, contempt and bullying on his part

I think you have to be a lot stronger with him. You've tried the sensitive route and he's simply not listening. You've tried appeasing him and all you're getting in return are insults and coercion. So get serious.....

dirtybadger · 23/12/2014 09:26

It is absolutely disgusting that he is insisting you do something he knows you don't like. Can you imagine how guilty you would feel in the role reversal? And yet he is happy with it. Shocking. Stop doing it. Stop doing it! You might just about be able to reconcile it in your mind now but in the future these things may come back to haunt you (and haunt is the right word) because doing things you don't want to do sexually, whether "persuaded", coerced or forced is such a private violation.

I immediately thought perhaps porn or an affair. In some threads it is so obvious, but this isn't one. Something is going on though. You've had a relatively healthy sex life for over 10 years. Somethings changed. If he isn't willing to talk, surely he must accept you're going to consider the worst?

I understand you don't want to mention what he asks/makes you do, but where does he get the "ideas" from? Part of me thought porn because of this, but it's difficult to say without knowing what he's asking you to do...

He's lashing out at you for his problems. That's pretty clear. Why he continues with no remorse when he realises what he's doing is not clear. He doesn't seem to care...

I'm not sure what advice can be given when someone is completely unwilling to seek any help. You're asking for advice here (despite his demands and horrible behaviour) and he's sat at home content. Not right.

dirtybadger · 23/12/2014 09:28

Cross posted. You've said "I hate this" during the act and he carries on? I don't know what the act is but there are plenty of scenarios on which that pretty much constitutes an offense...

Flowers
2times · 23/12/2014 09:30

This is so sad, it really isn't you.

2times · 23/12/2014 09:34

I also wonder if the porn combined with over-vigorous masturbation might be what is causing the problems he is having when he loses his erection during sex with you. You could google 'death grip/Dan Savage' for more info.
Nasty nasty for him to blame you regardless of the reason.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 23/12/2014 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHermitCrab · 23/12/2014 09:39

If nothing has changed between the both of you, and your lives are otherwise fine and "happy" I would assume it is his problem and not yours.

It may be porn. Not porn in general, but that his porn habits have changed recently for some reason. A strange fetish (he's asking you to do things you are not comfortable with?) or an addiction. My OH watches porn but never "requests" what he sees but may come up with "ideas" in the bedroom. It's all fun though and never anything to get kicks out of because normal sex is boring.

Does he know you don't like doing the certain things you do for him? If so then it's definitely his problem. If he struggles to keep an erection while being intimate with you, but then CAN get one when he knows you are doing something you don't like, something is twisted somewhere.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 23/12/2014 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 23/12/2014 09:40

OP if I was in this situation I think I would write an email/ letter ( to ensure I was able to make my points clearly and without interruption) it would go something like this...

Dear Hubby

As I hope I show to you through my actions and words, I love you very much and am very happy to be married to you and to have created our beautiful family. I am 100% committed to you and our Marriage.

The reason I am writing this letter to you is that there is something that has been bothering me for a while and I fear that if we are not able to resolve/ improve the situation it will begin to undermine our marriage.

As I have tried to express verbally a number if times, there are aspects to our sexual relationship which I do not feel comfortable with. In fact they make me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable and I do not wish to continue with these aspects to our sex life. Up until recently we have always enjoyed a regular and fulfilling sex life, even at times where many couples/women in particular would have a reduction in their libido ( young kids etc). I want to make it clear that I find you attractive and want to continue to enjoy a happy sex life with you, however I feel things may have changed for you in some way and I think we need to discuss this together to find a way forward that is mutually happy for both of us.

I have noticed that recently there have been some problems with your erection, obviously many men experience this at times and again just to reiterate this in no way reduces my feelings, sexual or otherwise for you. But I do feel we need to try to find out what the root cause of this issues is whether it is physical, emotional or some other factor. Do you have any idea what may have changed from your side of things?

Please let me know your thoughts re the above.

Old name."

Also fwiw OP I also think the root cause of this May well be porn, I think you would be well advised to " call" him on this if only to say, please read this ( link above) .

TheHermitCrab · 23/12/2014 09:41

cross posted it would seem. He definitely knows you don't like what you are doing, but that actually gets his erection back??

That ain't right...

But you seem to have been fine for all these years? with no sexual manipulation before? And he's blaming you?

It's a pickle how people can change like that.

There's definitely something that's changed for him....

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 23/12/2014 09:42

Also whether or not you actually open into a dialogue with him, please OP never ever ever " go along " with any sexual act you don't feel happy with. You absolutely never have to do that.

Annarose2014 · 23/12/2014 09:42

If my husband said "I hate this", I would never make him do it again. Ever.

I certainly wouldn't turn around and effectively say "No, you like it really....NOW DO IT OR I'LL BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING"

As someone said - its not a sex problem, its a husband problem. You're not his fucking blow up doll, or his human jizz sock.

It immediately screams porn to me. He's looking at harder and harder stuff, and now he can't get off by "ordinary" sex. I'd bet you good money.

I'd bet he's also masterbating to it a lot, and now he can't come without a deathgrip. So he turns to fantasy and makes his wife do things she doesn't like. Its all a bit rotten.