Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

Pompodd - tbh at the moment I am not sure how I feel I think just a bit stupid tbh!

This morning he wanted to carry on from last night when he woke up when I told him that it was ok as long as It was just normal sex he just said that when I gave him a massage etc last night it wasn't good enough because I should have rubbed my body on him more.( I am really hoping no one I know I'm real life reads this and recognises me now....) that's how it always goes me say something him blame me and me apologize I have no idea why I do that

The OP is the one saying that their relationship is otherwise good and loving not me. I am just going on what is said. Maybe this is not the case?

The H clearly feels he is doing nothing wrong otherwise he would not persist and it is not a loving act or thing to do. Please don't put words I haven't said on to me. It's not acceptable and OP should have put a stop to it as soon as she realised it wasn't for her. By continuing to allow it she has given him the idea she doesn't really mind it. Unless he holds her down and rapes her? In which case she should contact the police.

Don't make out I am saying he is right to do what he is doing. He isn't but the OP needs to stop going along with it and being manipulated into feeling responsible for his actions.

The marriage doesn't in all honesty sound to be as solid (outside the bedroom) as first impressions.

OP x posted, but his behaviour and manipulation is appalling and I think you need to rethink the whole marriage now. What you say is showing him much more clearly now as sexually abusive.

There is a big difference between saying "last night was lovely, next time you give me A massage could you do more X?" and "last night wasn't good enough"

Destiny, it is still rape without being held down. Please look at the We Believe You myths.

He is coming home now ( only half day at work and I have been home).the kids are out at my SILs so If he is an ok mood I will try to talk again to him. It may be quite a short conversation though!

OP tell him that that particular act, that you don't like, is off the table. Tell him you will never, ever do it again. Make sure that he understands. He may not like it but he has to accept it.

See how he reacts to that. I suspect he will try to argue or ignore you. But try it and be firm. Make sure that you are clear that you won't be doing it again, no matter what he threatens or how much he sulks, etc.

OP - if you feel a bit stupid, go with it! I do it all the time . But in your most recent posts you do seem to be starting to question the status quo: why does he always blame you, why do you always apologise etc? Interesting you say that you will try to talk to him "if he is in an OK mood" - perhaps you're starting to see how you both interact with each other in a different light?

The answers might not come to you quickly, but keep seeking them out. I guess part of the reason for you starting the thread is that you perhaps felt something wasn't quite right. If so, your instincts were right so keep trusting them.

I really wish you well. You really don't deserve to be treated in the way you are because it isn't loving and caring.

This happened 3 times in two weeks to both me and DP. I couldn't stay wet enough and he lost his erection, both on different occasions.
He said the erection is due to the stress of work. I believe him. We're saving up for our second holiday together and if he was cheating, I wouldn't be spending christmas with him. He wouldn't have spent money on me.
I couldn't stay wet enough because of the distractions. We don't live on our own, so it's hard to behave sexually how we want to. We can't be loud or anything so it's basically just to get our jollies and not love making how we'd like to.
It might just be stress.

Yonic. It was a question to the OP not a judgement on what is or isn't rape. If she feels coerced into sex but goes along with it and has done on several occasions previously, the legal system would have great difficulty proving a rape case. However it is abusive sex.

The point I am making is the OP has to say No, never again.

OP you're being waaaaay nicer than I would be by now.

At this stage I think a robust "Fuck Off" may be in order. Whats the worst that can happen? He gets mad and tries to blame you? He's been doing that all along so big whoop.

I know you hate anger and confrontation but he's plainly happy to ignore anything else.

Destiny, I think you are mistaken in this interpretation:

"The H clearly feels he is doing nothing wrong otherwise he would not persist"

Definition of rape from the CPS:

The elements of rape are:

(A) intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis;
(B) does not consent to the penetration, and
(A) does not reasonably believe that (B) consents
Penetration of the mouth is included.

Rape is still a crime of basic intent, and drunkenness is no defence.

In this instance, B has told A that she hates this act and doesn't want to do it. She has told him repeatedly before, during and after. He attempts to carry on once he has been told. He has no reasonable belief in her consent.

The OP consented. End of

Sad, hateful, vile and very very unpleasant of the H. But she consented.

And if she told him before, during and after how vile it was then she should go to the police. I wasn't in bed with them, neither were you.

OP, really sorry about your husband hurting you like this.

He is very much in the wrong, the way he's treating you.

You deserve love and you aren't getting it from him.

Don't let yourself be undermined by him any more. You are a person in your own right, what you feel matters.

Wow Destiny! How on earth did she consent? You mean she gave in to his coercion and manipulation?

Yeah that's still rape.

Oldname said "if I say I am not doing it he tries to carry on". Yep that is rape.

He is having sex with someone who he knows doesn't want it. He knows she doesn't want it, yet he still makes her do it. What type of person does that?

"And if she told him before, during and after how vile it was then she should go to the police."
She has done this. Several times. But she absolutely does not have to go to the police unless she wants to. It is a pretty manipulative to suggest that she should go.

OP, you say you work together in your own business, that he is a computer programmer and is at work and is coming home as he has a half day? Do you work from home then?

Hansel no we have an office I normally go in full time as well and we haveva nanny that looks after the children in the day. But she is off over Christmas so I have been home today and yesterday to stay with the children.