Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

Darling, Anal sex is not something women are expected to do as a matter of course. It's a once in a blue moon thing or a never thing. It is NOT a several times a week thing. He is taking the piss.... As for the massage...it sounds like tantric massage from porn. He is using you like a blow up doll...tell him to fuck right off. Do not listen to anyone who puts this back on you. He is exploring his sexuality through porn and using you as a sex aid. It wouldn't matter if you were Cheryl Cole with a fanny like a mouses ear, you still wouldn't satisfy him because he can't get off on normal sex. His problem not yours babe. I would love to see you talking about this with a bottle of bubbly and some experienced women, who ripped the piss out of him. Much love.

Hi Oldnamenomore I just had to pop back on see how you are doing. I really really hope you will speak to someone in real life about this.

By starting the thread you have begun to see how vile this behaviour is, and how it is not normal, loving behaviour and is not to be accepted. Whether he buys you gifts or is a good dad or any other thing, what he is doing is not acceptable and he is blaming you and making you feel it is your fault. It is totally wrong, it is not your fault.

Christmas will be here and gone in days and you have your whole life ahead of you, you cannot go back to being treated the way you have been.

Please seek help, speak to someone from Relate or Women's Aid or a Rape Crisis Centre. You can ask to speak to someone and be anonymous and just get advice.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CKH6wbPJ3cICFSSWtAod5A8A3Q

Tel: 0117 944 44 11 (general enquiries only)

Fax: 0117 924 1703

Email: [email protected]

If you are worried he will check your computer history, please delete it. (Someone will be able to tell you how to do this, sorry I cannot!). I just know some men who start out controlling about one thing might be controlling about another.

You sound an amazing woman and he is making you feel like shit.

One last word, if one of your children came to you in the future and falteringly revealed this about their marriage - what would your advice to them be?

Please love yourself as much as you love your kids. Sometimes we can see the reality for others in a way we cannot quite see it or expect for ourselves.

You deserve respect.

Bless you.

Please, please do keep talking to 'us' if it helps, and please to someone in real life.

Gt post Italian.

Hello - I wasn't going to come back and post because I am a bit ashamed of how things went but your post Italian has made me want to type this somewhere. It was the same last night except I just went crazy. When he started doing that, I asked him to stop and said exactly what I had been told to say on this thread but he didnt. I then just got totally overwhelmed and had a massive panic attack and started crying. He did stop then and he was really shocked, I have never shown him I am upset before so I think it was a shock for him.

We talked for a long time, he apologised and he did say he realised there was s problem, he said that he doesn't know what it is he did deny that it was porn he said it was that he just couldnt concentrate.....
We have agreed that he need Ms to reduce his working hours though I am going to stay late a few days a week - at the moment I come home for kids bedtime at 7 while he stays to close up, I would love this as it takes some time pressure off me at work and he seemed stressed by long days

Anyway I was in two minds whether to come back and post I was too wound up and upset last night and tbh I am even more confused now it was a horrible night but at the same time at least we talked.

Thanks for your post Italian - it sounds stupid but I don't feel like I have my life ahead of me ! I feel like I am old (I know I'm really not) and in tired.

I am not worried about him checking my computer, it sounds stupid on this thread but I am not afraid of him in that way, even if he did read this or go on any of the links there is nothing here he doesn't know and even if he got angry he is not frightening or violent .

Italian if my children told me this, I would tell them to pack their stuff and come to me. I wish I had someone in real life to do that but I don't the truth is I have no family (only in laws). And no real friends,the people I spend my time with are DH and the people who work for us ,who are all men and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to talk to them about this.

Thanks for listening again and I hope you have a nice christmas Eve.

OP. I Am sorry that he tried it again after everything but well done you for what you did then.

If you would leave but have nowhere to go, Women's Aid may be able to help with a place, either now or down the line. Keep it in mind and take care.

Thanks yonic I felt silly crying I never cry but I just was so upset I couldn't help it.
I don't really want to leave they are all up doing Christmas things now everything seems so perfect.

I have been homeless before (after my mum died) and in bed and breakfasts and it was not a good experience. I just can't imagine risking that with my children.

Please don't feel silly crying. Crying is an underreaction to what he did! The blame is squarely with him.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

And cry as much as you want. It is good for you if you need it. Don't spare him your feelings he deserves to know.

He needs to get help. He needs to face himself.

I hope you have a good Christmas. Well done for tackling something so difficult. Wishing you strength

Thanks for your replies, things are normal today. Getting christmas things done. He hasn't mentioned anything like that since this morning and that was just normal too so I am not really sure if he has forgotten it or if he is just trying to not cause an issue.

And I hope you have a lovely Christmas too :)

I doubt he has forgotten it, OP, and I hope he hasn't.

Hi OP,
I'm very sorry to read about the situation you're in and the things your husband has done to you. They are very wrong. It is all his fault and not yours. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, it must be very difficult to stand up to sexual abuse especially when it is from someone you love.
I'm also sorry to read that you don't feel you have anyone to talk to or go to in real life. Please, please call 08082000247. This is a 24 hour helpline run by Refuge and Women's Aid. They will be able to advise you. And Refuge has shelters for women and children who are escaping abusive relationships. You might not feel ready to leave yet, but it's there when you are.
In the meantime here is their advice about staying safe:
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

My advice to you is be kind to yourself. And please, please stop having sex with him. You have already said no and made it 100% clear you hate what he is doing. He does it anyway. This means he can't be trusted to respect you and your body.

He has not forgotten it so don't let him off the hook next time by thinking that. You are telling him over and over again.

Hi again... I was just thinking that you could also call the Rape Crisis helpline: 0808 802 9999 (open 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm). You might not feel that "rape" is the right word but the helpline is also for people experiencing sexual violence and abuse. I am sure they would be very good at listening and advising you. And they offer counselling which could help you:
www.rapecrisis.org.uk/counselling2.php
Whether you call this helpline or the other one, I really hope you will pick up the phone and talk to someone. I am sure it would help you to feel a bit better and less crazy. There is only so much we can help on MN!

Yet another marriage ruined by the insidious poison of internet porn that teaches men to expect anal sex as a matter of course.

sandy he is responsible for his own actions whether he watches porn or not and the OP has told him on more than one occasion she does not like or want it .

OP im sorry to say this but i think the only reason he actually took in what you were saying last night is because you "went crazy" and started crying and he was worried that you were probably going to call the police or another third party. I think he is only worried about himself. After all you have told him plenty of other times you dont want to and he has carried on anally raping you. He cares about himself not you.

Please like others have said pick up the phone and talk to someone.

Oldnamenomore I am so sorry that things are so hard but I am sure you will find a way through this. the most important thing (IMHO) is to get some support in real life, please do. There will be people out there to help you.

I will write more when I get the chance, if I can think of anything to say.

I think the fact you have no friends to chat to about this is a real shame and maybe one thing you can focus on for the future as friends are so important and maybe sharing with people in real life would have helped you earlier to reach the conclusions you are reaching now by discussing it on this thread.

You do have your life before you, please, please find the strength and the people to help you make it what you want it to be. Bless you. You are SO worth it.

Oldnamenomore.

What do you want to happen now? Do you want to split up from your husband? Do you want him to get counselling? Is it too late?
It has been good for you to share your problems and get advice and realise what you have had to put up with is wrong, but do you have any idea what would make things better for you? Have you lost all respect for your husband?

If you had a clearer idea of what you want in the future maybe you can start to work towards that? There are always people here who can advise you.

Jolly - what i really want is for things to be as they were. We used to have good sex and I really really miss that, it's very frustrating to never have that any more. Today i have not gone out of my way to initiate any contact at all, no hugs,kisses or anything and there has been nothing . When I think back these days the only kind of contact he starts is just starting to have sex, which then turns to other things- no other touching,or contact that's all me. I think I must be pretty hideous to him.

I don't really want to split from him because if you just take sex out things are fine. BUT it sounds selfish but i am not sure I can go the rest of my life without that kind of relationship.

I haven't lost respect for him I just wish I knew what was going on .

I appreciate all the phone numbers I just feel a bit like a fraud because I have a pretty great life and I just would not know what to say.Last night when I was upset I just though IT could be so much worse and felt bad then for making a fuss and being dramatic.

You were not making a fuss or being dramatic.
It is absolutely your right to decide what you want to do about this it is your marriage.
But you also have that absolute right over your own body and the right to say no with as much fuss and drama as it takes (although it shouldn't take any. It should just take saying no, once)

OP, please don't think you are hideous xx