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How to deal with sexually controlling husband?

(221 Posts)
adorably2014 Wed 25-Jun-14 13:57:55

I married my husband 9 years ago after he proposed after a whirlwind romance. I am from Europe but was living in the Uk already at the time. I was a postgrad with a low paid job living in a room share. Me 31, him 50 this year. When I met him my life completely changed financially - he is in a highly paid job and spares no expenses on anything. In fact I feel I have far more materially than I need or want.
When I met him I realised he went for me for my looks and there was a definite attraction (both ways) and sex was great. I have to admit I felt hugely flattered that a guy like him would be interested in me. He was divorced at the time, no kids. I had had one boyfriend but was still a virgin, another thing I think he found attractive...
4 months after meeting me he said I should move in with him. I did. Then slowly he started making suggestions. I gave up my job so I could concentrate on postgrad, I started spending more time in salons to look good at his suggestion, buying underwear he wanted me to wear, all nice stuff so I went along. In the bedroom he was very much taking the lead, and whilst I was fine with it, I had more sex than I sometimes wanted to. He would go on business trips and then come back and have time off. That time off, I would basically be at his beck and call sex-wise. Because he was so nice in other ways and because I hadn't seen him for a week or so, I always went along with it but not all of it was pleasurable as he often wanted to penetrate me without foreplay. That was often his way of starting a sex session. And when I told him I wasn't happy he reproached me for not wanting him and suggested I was seeing someone else when he was away.
We got married and I fell pregnant very shortly after. He didn't want to use contraception after the wedding. I was terrified of giving birth. After reading books, I once jokingly said to him that maybe I should be put to sleep while having a c-section. He then researched it and decided that a C-section would be better anyway as it wouldn't damage my vagina so much so would be better for us for sex after. So I've had 2 DC with c-section. The first I was happy with that, but for 2nd DC I would have liked to try to have a normal birth but he really pushed for c-section.
To the outside world we are the perfect happy couple but inside I often feel like I have sold my soul ... I am a stay at home mum, my degree hasn't been used and I feel he is really sexually controlling. I have friends but all in his circle. We click intellectually and he says he likes that I have brains as opposed to some of his friends' partners. I feel I can't complain as I am not poor.
The flipside is that he has not stopped being sexually controlling. Since we've had the DC he books weekends away for us which he expects to be shag-fests when I would prefer to be seeing the sights, he tells me I should be grateful and that if I continue moaning he will go and see prostitutes instead, he says I still need educating sexually, he regularly goes to sex shops without me and comes home with stuff he wants to use with me or porn he wants me to watch with him, he has recently suggested I should try and have sex with another man while he watches. He has hinted that 2 of his friends have seen a video he took of me giving him a bj and I know he has boasted to his friends about the sex he gets with his wife. He often seems to enjoy degrading me. Once we had an argument and he then refused to have sex with me. Then when we did have sex he stopped just as I was about to orgasm and started calling me a bitch. I was in tears. He later apologised but I often feel low as no-one knows and I don't know who to talk to and how to resolve this. Everyone thinks he is wonderful and he is except when it comes to sex.
Has anyone on here been able to turn such a situation around?

Velvetbee Wed 25-Jun-14 14:02:39

My blood is boiling on your behalf. Take half the bastards money and run.

DottyDooRidesAgain Wed 25-Jun-14 14:02:50

Easiest thing to do is leave imo.

This man treats you like a sex object.
Has zero respect for you.


Nostromo Wed 25-Jun-14 14:05:13

He does sound very controlling and not just sex wise. Has he ever pandered to your whims and desires? Has he done what you have wanted to do sexually? Is there any giving from him, that doesn't come from his trousers or wallet?

This sounds a very unequal relationship. Small steps are required to see if he'll change or do things for you. If he can't commit on small things, then he won't commit on the large matters.

springlamb Wed 25-Jun-14 14:06:22

You can't turn this around. You're in an extremely abusive situation. Get out.
Sell something in order to pay for a shit hot solicitor to advise you in the first instance. Give no indication that you are doing this.

NigellasDealer Wed 25-Jun-14 14:06:22

you won't change him.
just leave - he sounds revolting esp about the video.

MatildaWhispers Wed 25-Jun-14 14:07:39

He sounds horribly abusive. Sorry but don't think you will be able to change him.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 25-Jun-14 14:08:34

What an unpleasant chap. You may be materially well off but he is reducing you bit by bit.

Fairylea Wed 25-Jun-14 14:09:59

He is absolutely vile. You can't change him.

Leave. You'll be glad you did.

donnie Wed 25-Jun-14 14:10:02

Totally agree. Anyone who threatens you and says he will see prostitutes is an utter bastard. get out now, and take him to the cleaners. He is vile and you need to escape. It is only going to get worse and you know it. If he enjoys degrading you, as you say he does, there is no point trying to turn it around.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 14:10:54

You can't turn sexual abusive behaviour around, I'm sorry. You can only reject it and you should reject it utterly. You sound as though you've been recruited as a cheap alternative to hookers and I don't think you realise just how much this man hates women. Are you children male or female?

Please talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247.

Quitelikely Wed 25-Jun-14 14:11:15

It's like you have it all........... But you don't really. It's like you are squishing your own personality to accommodate his. Maybe you have been overly grateful for the life he has provided you with but now you are married with children you have rights, to half of everything! You are not some trophy. He has deep seated issues regarding sex as far as I'm concerned.

You deserve to be so much more than this. Him showing his friends videos of you is not on. I would be furious. I think the video incident demonstrates a total lack of respect for you. I mean your the mother of his children and he does that? Sick, perverted. Just no

pissedglitter Wed 25-Jun-14 14:14:15

He recorded you giving him oral and showed that to his friends??
Are you fucking serious? Get away from this man he is disgusting

Get your babies and walk away

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 14:14:32

He is abusive. There is no way to change this. He sees you as an object. He will get worse.

adorably2014 Wed 25-Jun-14 14:15:28

Nostromo- to the outside world, including my parents he is a family man and hands on dad. We got to my country for 2 weeks in summer and he helps out on the farm etc so they all think he is fab. We do do things together and can have a conversation and he is lovely with the kids but he is very controlling of me esp when it comes to sex.
In a way I know no different with men and feel I was extremely naive when I met him

Abusers like your H can often be very plausible to those in the outside world but you know differently. You were certainly naïve back then, there were warning signs of controlling you in the early days that were likely missed or minimised. You were actively targeted by this person.

You absolutely have to leave this man now; your children cannot be raised in such a toxic environment either. After all they learn about relationships from the two of you. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, that you accepted on some level being so controlled?. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

buggerboooo Wed 25-Jun-14 14:21:01

He does sound a bit of a dick

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 14:22:12

Many abusive men are likeable and charming outwardly. If they weren't then no-one would give them the time of day. Behind closed doors, they are quite different and you've got yourself a regular Bluebeard, unfortunately. Lovely with kids is irrelevant when he is treating their mother the way he is treating you.

Please tell someone IRL the truth whether that's Womens Aid, your GP, your family or a trusted friend. He is worse than 'controlling' ... he is sexually abusive.

Fairylea Wed 25-Jun-14 14:28:50

I never talk about this on here because it's so personal but your thread struck a chord...

My first husband was like this. Pretty much identical. To everyone else he was amazing and charming. A successful business man, wealthy and very popular and young in the scheme of things (20s at the time). Everyone thought we had an amazing life. His family was lovely, his mum and I was particularly close.

However behind closed doors it was all about the sex. He would regularly compare me to others wives and how much sex they were getting and how so and sos wife did anal and why wouldn't I.. and how he wanted to "fuck a thai" (thai woman) because they looked like they had smaller vaginas than me (he watched a lot of porn, some of it quite extreme).

It all came to a head 6 weeks after I had our daughter. I had a very traumatic birth, 3 day labour and large episiotomy and from day 1 he was going on about sex. He thought it was a given that at the 6 week check it was literally back to business. We went away to a hotel for his friends wedding and he practically forced me into it. It was extremely painful but I didn't even say no or say anything because I just knew it would be arguing and moaning and it was easier to do it.

A bit of me died that day. It took me another 5 months to leave him. But I did. And so can you.

I am now remarried and I don't have to put up with that shit anymore. My dh is lovely. You deserve better.

I very rarely agree with all the 'LTB' comments on these threads but this seems to be your only option. It sounds like he has major issues in the sex department, has he experienced abuse? Because that's the only reason i can think of that would explain his behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 14:44:50

I don't think he's necessarily experienced abuse himself to behave this way. It's a power thing... look up 'predatory self-esteem'. Rapists and sexual abusers are not motivated by sex in the sense that it gives them pleasure, but by the power it gives them to degrade and be in complete control of another person in a particularly intimate way. He forbade a vaginal delivery .... just think about that for a second.... because it might spoil his enjoyment. He penetrated her without foreplay. She had 'more sex than she sometimes wanted to'... which means some of it was non-consensual. Rape

Something I don't think we always appreciate as women is just how much some men really hate us.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 25-Jun-14 14:45:07

Jesus, Adorably he's absolutely fucking vile! He's bought a receptacle that he can use as and when he chooses. Your desires and feelings don't come into it. The longer you remain in this trap you more quickly your own confidence and autonomy will ebb until there's not any of it left. The filming you while you were together in private and showing it to other people is beyond the bloody Pale. Make plans to leave but before you do make sure you have access to as many documents as possible. Start stashing money away. Once you've gone he is almost certain to try to hide his assets so he won't have to share them with you.

Bentojo Wed 25-Jun-14 14:46:59

You can't turn this around. It just gets worse.

My ex-h was like yours. His sexually controlling behaviour escalated until I found out the reason he kept bringing his friends to our house and then disappearing leaving me alone with them was because he had told them I was up for sex in a 'rape fantasy' way. Luckily his mates never got the guts to pounce on me but he went on and on and on about wanting me to sleep with other men.

He didn't even leave me alone for 6 weeks after I had a hysterectomy. sad

Get out. As fast as you can.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 25-Jun-14 15:19:16

Imo anything in an intimate sexual relationship that makes a person feel objectified or uncomfortable isn't good. A relationship should make you feel cherished, and in a good place. This marriage is nothing like that.

Initially things seemed good, but quickly turned sour. Materially you are well-off but what good is that if you are dying a little inside every day? Why would he agree to turn things round when he has never stopped treating you like a doll?

Make a plan, get advice, do as suggested here, please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

You'd need specialist legal advice - moving with your DCs away from here altogether to live abroad would be risking charges of child abduction unless H gave you permission. A court will most likely insist on their right to see H regularly. I don't know how legally things will stand but even if you are compelled to stay you'll be building a new life without H around your DCs.

Btw you say your family think he is Mr Wonderful, well you need to put them straight.

Being naive was not a crime. Don't feel guilty now for standing up for yourself. He has had years of controlling you. I think you have it in you to be strong, you have already shown you are resilient, now look to the future.

OxfordBags Wed 25-Jun-14 15:37:29

This is way being being controlling, it is extreme sexual abuse. And I bet what you call controllingin other areas of your life is abuse too. He has made you have totally unnecessary major surgery (c-sections) purely to maintain his sexual pleasure. That is truly beyond comprehension. It is abhorrently abusive, and that, plus the rest of it, makes him sound mentally ill, frankly (well, no abuser is mentally sound, are they?!).

He penetrates you without foreplay, he shows videos of you doing sex acts on him to others, and I bet you often don't get to say no (that's rape, however much you might need to lie about what it is to yourself). He treats you like a portable multi-fuckhole, a sex doll. This is not a man who respects you, or any woman. He is a dangerous, vile misogynist, and his attitudes will be damaging you and your DC is all other areas of family life. He gets his kicks from degrading, demeaning, forcing, humiliating and DEHUMANISING you.

He is not lovely to the kids when he treats their mother like some sort of sex slave and controls her. His attitude to you non-sexually will be damaging them, please do not deny this anymore.

You must leave him, he is a freak.

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