Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[Viviennemary]

She does sound very over the top. If I had a close friend or sister I'd be a bit peeved if they kept this a secret but would understand why they were doing it to make sure everything was well before telling people. I agree with explaining you hadn't told anyone.

[BrucieTheShark]

I've had friendships with a few people like this over the years.

You do feel extremely close to them because that's how they operate. They are gold standard friends, great company, do loads for you.

But the standard is exhausting and as time goes by, you miss the mark occasionally (aka having your own life) and they clearly get annoyed. It builds up and then one day, bam, they explode and explain to you in great detail why you are not as good a friend as they are.

Obviously they are now ex-friends and have continued to have close, intense friendships that do not last. I really think it's her, not you. A bit sad really.

[Lweji]

You may need to pity her husband, Uptown. :)
I wonder if she has managed to isolate him from friends and family too.
Because both male and females can be abusive.

[UptownFunk]

I also think people are people, and nationalities don't much matter. DH and I are well-travelled, had jobs in various countries, and I've found people all to be similarly the same and different, no matter where we are all from.

Victorian, thanks. She seems on top of things, content. Happy to keep most people at a distance, it works for her. Well, maybe it doesn't. I am shocked by her reaction. Really, after knowing me for years, knowing this baby is so much wanted, to ditch me because I didn't tell her the second I got the BFP, it's so crazy.

I actually feel less hurt and more relieved right now, because I don't need the stress or nonsense that that brings, all this drama over not being told straight away. There really would have been no right time for her other than seconds after DH and I found out. I certainly wasn't telling her before I told my own child, and I wasn't telling my child til I knew things were looking hopeful.

[UptownFunk]

basgetti, many many congratulations, hope the last week or so goes smoothly. Good luck with the birth.

Vivienne, I have already told her we hadn't told anyone, this is still not good enough for her.

This thread has really helped me. Brucie "But the standard is exhausting and as time goes by, you miss the mark occasionally (aka having your own life) and they clearly get annoyed. It builds up and then one day, bam, they explode and explain to you in great detail why you are not as good a friend as they are." This is absolutely IT! The real annoyance when I wasn't online for a few days was crazy. I was busy planning a last-minute holiday, had an only child to attend to (hers must entertain each other or something) and I had loads else on, so wasn't engaging in her Fb posts etc. I even said I was busy for a while, but if she saw me comment on someone else's Fb post then I was obviously not that busy after all! (Yes, I know, I might sign off Fb for good!!!)

Lweji, omg, she HAS isolated him from his friends and family. He is not Canadian for a start, so has upped sticks to live in the back of beyond with her out there. I thought this was cool; I've left my hometown to follow DH and his job, I like the adventure. And the Canadian outback looks lovely. They have so much space and wildlife, looks idyllic. And she has fallen out with his family. He has minimal contact with them, though my understanding of him is that he is a strong and capable character and can handle himself, and if he wasn't happy with how things are, he would say so. But yes, I know he doesn't speak with his family much, and she doesn't like them.

[TheWindowDonkey]

Yup, I have to agree that ditching you is way ott OP. Sorry to hear that, please don't let it ruin your FABULOUS news. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[UptownFunk]

Thank you, Donkey.

[DreamingOfABlueKaroumas]

It sounds very much like you had differing opinions on what sort of a friendship you two had.

My best friend and I are incredibly close, but don't live close enough to see each other daily/weekly. We share pretty much everything; I have known about her pregnancies from the start (well, I've been next in line after her and her husband in the finding out) and she knows all about my IVF journey so far. So yeah, if she told me that she was 20 weeks pregnant I would be devastated that she'd taken that long to tell me. I would know rationally that it was her news and her life, but it would shake my view of our friendship.

So yeah, it sounds like she had a different idea of the terms of your friendship than you did. If I were you I would leave her be and focus on your baby and your family (not that you've said anything to suggest you were going to do anything otherwise!)

[Riverland]

Gosh. What an outrageous thing to do to a newly pregnant close friend.
How incredibly OTT.


Uptown you sound very well balanced! I'm sorry this has happened to you.
There's no emoticon for handing you Christmas cake, or I'd have put it here.

lweji offers sage input, indeed.

[UptownFunk]

Good luck with the IVF, Karoumas.
I hear you. But it wouldn't mean your friend values you less than you do her if she didn't tell you she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks. It just means she wanted some privacy over the matter for a little while. I don't think it should be taken as an indication that the relationship is unequal. Keep the rational thoughts overriding the irrational, and know that it is up to the pregnant couple to announce as and when they feel like it. It's not a personal dig at someone that they weren't told the second that second line got dark.

[UptownFunk]

Riverland, lol, I can't stand Xmas cake. I'll take carrot cake or chocolate though, please!
Thank you. I am fine. Really shocked, but such is life. Actually, I feel a bit freer, lighter in a way.

lweji is wise! . I need a friend like that!

[SoonToBeSix]

I understand why she is upset , not saying until the 12 week scan maybe but the twenty week one and you knew your friend was worried about you.

[Riverland]

Taking things personally when they aren't personal is a problem for the ego - centric person doing the wrong headed thinking.

It doesn't mean we all have to pander to the egocentric to prevent their tantrums.

walking on eggshells = dealing with a person with a personality disorder.

[BertieBotts]

I've also found this thread enlightening! People feeling offended because it was a "shared thing", WTF, no it's not it's a shared thing with your husband or boyfriend. Not anybody else. And up to the two of you who you tell and at which point you tell them.

I can't believe that people think it's some kind of slight on the friendship if you don't tell them straight away What a very very strange view.

[Joysmum]

I guess for those feeling hurt or slighted in some way, they are projecting how they think they'd behave onto others.

We don't all think and feel in the same way.

[Riverland]

Uptown have a slice of virtual carrot cake on me then!
Glad you feel lighter...that tells you something, doesn't it?!

[Littlef00t]

If communication channels are open still, I would send her an email saying some of the things you've said here,

How much you valued the friendship, thought you had so much in common, two peas in a pod etc,

And that your sorry that your need for privacy during an uncertain time has ended this friendship. Reiterate that no one else apart from your husband knew before she did, and you'll feel the loss of her friendship if she can't come to terms with your friendship being slightly less close that she thought.

This at least gives her food for thought and leaves the door open if she cools off and realised what she's done.

[UptownFunk]

SoonToBeSix, I really don't think my friend was overly worried about me. Yes, TTC had taken me longer than I had hoped, but as I have said, we (Dh and I) were not feeling despondent yet as taking into account my age, and the extended BFing of DC and it wasn't far off average that we finally made it. It wasn't like I was talking incessantly about TTC, crying about not being pg etc. I was busy with other stuff too, you know?

Bertie, Joy, my sentiments too. I know everyone is different, but I really would have thought the main priority here is that someone is finally pregnant, rather than oh damn, you didn't tell me straight away. And to know that any feelings of hurt re a delayed telling are not a reflection on anything. AND that there are valid reasons for people waiting.

Riverland, yum, thank you very much!
And sadly, yes. I am not belittling her or our friendship, I did truly like and value her, but yes, she had a lot of baggage. Much not her fault, just various runs of bad or sad luck etc. And no reasons to not be friends with someone. But it is how she has handled this. I need to surround myself with people who enhance my life, not bring me undue stress, especially at a time I shouldn't be dealing with stress.

[MrsMcRuff]

Even if my best, oldest, closest friend in the whole wide world had waited for the 20 week scan to tell me her news, if I knew I'd been second only to the grandparents to be told, I think I'd consider myself incredibly privileged!

Congratulations!

[UptownFunk]

Little, I said absolutely exactly all that in my response to her last night in our private Fb group. She has read it, and rather than reply, has removed herself from the group/Fb/my friends' list and shut me off. She has also deleted my DH from her Fb.

[UptownFunk]

Mrs.McRuff, thank you.

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

I think your analysis is spot on Brucie.

[Riverland]

Uptown it's just as well she's gone. I know she had her good points and you two had a rapport. But you know more about her now. Takes a fair old while to really get to know someone, doesn't it.

Onward and upward with the life enhancing!

[OddFodd]

I agree entirely BertieBotts.

I'm sorry this has happened Uptown; it's a real shock when old friends behave in a completely frenemy way. I'd leave the dust to settle and if you want to reconnect at some stage, then you can extend an olive branch. I wouldn't bother now though - you'd just be legitimising her entirely unreasonable behaviour.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

[Legodino]

I think there was no need for her to apologise to you and no need for her to send a second email

I think she must have felt you were more like sisters maybe?