Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[ArcheryAnnie]

Congratulations, OP, on your pregnancy.

I'm another one who thinks your "friend" is nuts. I can see how it would hurt being ditched, but from here it doesn't look like much of a loss. Anything my friends - even close, old friends - choose to tell me is a gift, not an entitlement.

[Littlef00t]

Gutted on your behalf then op. To lose a friendship you valued in such a brutal way is so sad, especially with so much positive news to share in the near future.

I certainly think you've done everything you can.

[SirChenjin]

Whilst it's a shame that the friendship ended in this way at a time when you needed support from people who were genuinely pleased for you it sounds as if a long term friendship with this person would have been absolutely exhausting - you would have constantly had to dance to her tune and her 'needs'.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

Her response is bats and totally unreasonable. Step away from all that and enjoy the wonderful stage you are at - congratulations on that.

When I told my best friend I was pregnant three years ago she reacted really weirdly, and, I felt, unreasonably. I thought I would never be able to forgive and forget, and I'm pretty sure she thought our friendship would be ruined by the baby. Three years on we met up again and it was just all water under the bridge. I am v happy that I can see our friendship going on now. I won't ever forget, but can draw a line. Sometimes friends are going through intense periods at the same time, and it doesn't make for a good combination. Give yourself space from her negativity right now, you don't need this drama and she'll hopefully work out for herself that she's behaved like a twat

[Mintyy]

Agree with Bertie Botts. Am really shocked at some of the responses on this thread.

Dh and I chose not to tell anyone at all about my two pregnancies ... not parents, friends, strangers, not even dc1 when we were expecting dc2, until we were ready which was after the 12 week scan.

It would never occurr to me for one second that a friend would think they had a right to know!

[DrCarolineTodd]

She sounds very toxic. In my opinion one of the biggest issues is her lack of empathy - she can imagine how she thinks she would feel in your shoes but can't see that actually you may feel differently.

I would feel invaded and harassed by this kind of "friendship". Her feelings are not your responsibility.

[UptownFunk]

And I her, Lego - I don't have a bio sister. But even if I did, an ID twin, let's say, and she was the best sister in the whole wide world ever, I still wanted to have my news be private, between my husband, child and me, until I was good and ready. I'd expect a sister to just be happy for me, and not see fit to have a go at me because I didn't share sooner. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am that she did this. Honesty is one thing, but sometimes it is better to not say anything, or rant at your husband or online , not take it out on the person who most other posters agree has every right to keep her news to herself. This is MY pregnancy, not hers. She's had three goes to announce as and when she likes.
Maybe I could understand a bit better if I'd been on the phone to her every day upset about not being pg, or had been updating her every month with the news my period had arrived. But I hadn't. It was general news that I was TTC, obviously the gap between child one and child two was ever increasing, but not by a generation, still within the realms of them sharing a childhood which is what I wanted, I wasn't going on about a baby all the time by any stretch of the imagination, and I was happy and knew I was lucky at least to have DC1 if it never happened.
Re-thinking her messages, they are so weird, so much emphasis on what would happen if I had a mc or needed to terminate, how would she be involved then? Why focus on that, instead of just wishing me well with this pregnancy? Too much drama and negativity.

Riverland, onwards and upwards here I come.
Thanks, Little. Thank you, Odd and Archery.

[DrCarolineTodd]

She sounds like she has a personality disorder and I honestly think you are best off getting shot of her.

[UptownFunk]

Sorry, more cross-posts!

SirChenjin (LOVE your username!), you are right. I feel plain exhausted, I think it has been building, and would probably just escalate. It's a bit of a relief in a way. But I had accepted her, quirks and all, and felt I understood many of the reasons why she was how she was/is. Oh well.

Thank you, SaltedCaramel. I am glad for you that your friendship was salvaged, even if it isn't quite as it was. I am not sure this one will be - if it is, I guess things could change for the better.

Thanks for your input, Mintyy and Dr. I'm feeling in the right, so ok about that. Still, a shame.

[MurkyMinotaur]

Autism is a long shot. It would be hard to know. But a person with AS, in this context, would probably:

• Think in black and white catastrophic terms (e.g. One thing has gone 'wrong' therefore nothing will ever be happy again.)
  
• Be intense (or obsessive) in friendships.
  
• Feel empathy too much, excessively worrying about you.
  
• Conversely, not know how you are feeling unless you say.
  
• Fear change and fear that you will change.
  
• Misunderstand the workings of a friendship.
  
• Have immature emotions that seem to be a step behind chronological age.
  
• Be just as likely as anyone else to mean well.
  
• Be trustworthy, loyal and very, very honest.
  

That said, anyone can do those things. Autism involves a whole range of factors, not just social ones and even when autism is involved, it's no excuse for being intentionally unkind.

Before the updates, I thought oh my goodness, I could be described as unhinged, weird, nasty or needy when I respond in an autistic way (e.g. taking time to adjust, staying quiet, panicking, showing care in actions rather than words). I liked discussing how an 'outside the box' reaction can be genuine and well meant. Since then, having read the updates, your situation seems less like the ones I've been in, but I hope there's a good resolution for you in the end.

[saintlyjimjams]

Maybe I could understand a bit better if I'd been on the phone to her every day upset about not being pg
Ah now to add some context when I was a bit upset with my friend that had been the situation for us (although I still said all the right things & just blubbed to DH). If we hadn't been having intense conversations about tttc I wouldn't have been upset at all.

Deleting you off Facebook is weird indeed. But it's about how she viewed your friendship. I lost a friend because I got married - he came to my wedding as well. Turned out he thought I would pull out (WTAF???? Why? I never gave that impression at all??). Still married 17 years later. Anyway it was a lesson in finding out that you can't always tell what is going on in a friend's head even if you think you know them well.

[UptownFunk]

Not feeling it either way, Murky - some I'd say a clear yes, some a big no. But thanks. Anyway, I shouldn't spend my time dwelling, I have good things coming and can focus on those. Thanks so much for helping though.

saintly, yes, I can understand your position then too. Though still, her news to share as and when. But I am glad you at least reacted well!
How odd about your wedding friend! People are plain weird!

[MrsMcRuff]

Re-thinking her messages, they are so weird, so much emphasis on what would happen if I had a mc or needed to terminate, how would she be involved then?

Maybe there's a touch of......I don't think schadenfreude is quite the right word. It's just that some needy 'friends' seem to thrive on crises and problems, so they can be there for you, hand holding and sympathetic in your hour of need.

Perhaps that is how she sees herself, and it makes her feel central to your life. When things are going well, she might feel sidelined and not as important to you as she would like to be.

[UptownFunk]

MrsMcRuff, I know exactly what you mean (and am unsure of the right word too!). Both messages were overly focussed on how she would be useful IF things had or would go wrong. So freaking weird. Why even freak me out by mentioning my 'needing' a termination or having a mc - I already have those concerns, as do most pregnant women, I think. I'm 20 weeks along, and whilst I know it's not all plain sailing for us all, I am feeling as hopeful as possible. Yet she goes on about MCs and terminations. Not very nice for me, plus making it all about her and how she would want to know to be there for me. The more I think about it, the more angry I get she has twisted this and marred my happiness.

[PacificDogwood]

Oh my, I am quite taken aback at your update, Uptown and confirms my hatred of FB

And tbh I am surprised too that she is the age she is with children of her own - it just makes her response odder IMO.

Whether this is 'just her' (personality disorder) or whether she might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, either way I'd give her a bit of space. Let the holidays come and go, send a card if you wish, but keep it neutral. Do not apologise for a transgression you only committed in her eyes - you've already acknowledged that she is hurt and that you are sorry for than and you have already explained that you waited to tell other people close to you just as long. She knows - she now needs to get her head around your happy news and how you chose to tell it (as was your good right) and I think the next 'move' needs to come from her.

V best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

[PacificDogwood]

Don't allow her to mar your happiness - imagine living in her head!
Be happy, and let her sort out her own feelings and problems.

[XmasEveDallas]

Uptown, congratulations, I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful and you can look forward to your new arrival.

My DSis TTC'd for almost 10 years. She had 3 rounds of IVF and two MCs (that I knew of). I remember how much wanting a baby took over her life, to the point that she went NC with our other sister for a few years when she had her 2nd. She had a horrible, terrible time of it. It was all encompassing.

One November she told me that her and BIL were splitting up after Xmas, but playing happy families for her FIL (who was V old and infirm) over the Xmas period. The following March they were still together and I asked her about it - she said they were 'going slowly and trying again'

Imagine my shock when she announced her pregnancy in the summer! She had waited until she was 6 months gone to tell anyone. Despite the agony she had been through she wanted to wait until after an amnio before she decided what to do.

My whole family was overjoyed for them. No-one even commented on how long she had waited, we were too busy being amazed and ecstatic . My poor mother went into overdrive knitting cardis and blankets and our other sister could hardly stop crying. I'm smiling now as I write this, and my DNeice is now 20!

That's a decent reaction. Your friend is NOT a friend.

[PacificDogwood]

She displays some traits in keeping with co-dependency

The need to be needed can be quite pathological and can be hard for those around a person who must be needed. It can be a sign of low self-esteem and low self-worth.
No idea whether that describes your friend or not of course.

I am just trying to reinforce that this was not caused by you or your news, but you simply triggered a response that had been waiting in the wings by waiting until you were ready to announce your pregnancy to the world.

[Coyoacan]

Oh my, I am quite taken aback at your update

Me too, and there was I trying to promote understanding. I take it all back.

[UptownFunk]

LtEve, that is such a wonderful outcome! I'm so happy for your sister and your whole family. What a great story.

Ha, Pacific, Fb has its pros and cons, I guess.
Thank you for your kind wishes re my pregnancy.
Your link re co-dependency had me nearly fall off my chair. It's so so accurate, I am understanding so much better now. She is a recovering alcoholic, sober for 15 years and doing great, kudos to her for that. But that link, so much rings true. I'd describe her husband as very well adjusted, well rounded, lovely. He is also a mental health professional. I guess he knows how to handle her.

[kumamon]

It would never cross my mind to be miffed about when close friends or even immediate family shared this news. My only response would be genuine joy for them - I can't imagine feeling anything else.

I'm sorry you've experienced this OP, it sounds like it was always in the post with her - so please don't let it mar your happiness. You did nothing wrong in this situation. This is entirely about her. Such a shame, as she is likely to cut herself off from many people in her life.

Be happy OP. Congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy. Now surround yourself with people who will support you.

[UptownFunk]

kumamon.
I shall be happy, thank you!

[SparkleZilla]

Glad to see lots of support for you OP x
it is your decision all the way!

[RaisingMen]

UptownFunk I didn't even think of that - suppose I'll have to!

[UptownFunk]

Thank you, Sparkle.
Raising.