Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[slithytove]

I would ignore. I didn't tell anyone but immediate family that we were having DS until 23ish weeks.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

Even with close friends - there are boundaries. Set by both sides, this was your boundary (privacy between your and your DH about a very sensitive matter) that she just is not recognising.

This is not about her, its your pregnancy. Something between you and your DH until, and only until, you decide to share it with anyone outside the two of you. If this had been my friend with months of hoping, I would have been relieved and delighted for them - and respected their right to privacy.

[Meloria]

I can see why someone might be annoyed at this but there are lots of factors including what you did in the past, if this was something she could reasonably expect to hear about, did you tell her something untrue in the meantime.

[Lweji]

My own take on it.
I told my own mother and siblings straight away and a friend who had just told me she was pregnant (12 weeks). I couldn't simply lie to her. Nobody, actually, if anyone had asked me straight if I was.
A SIL found out at the doctor's when she was going for her own (late pregnancy) appointment.
Did you actually lie to her at any point? Or omitted the information?

[DaisyFlowerChain]

TBH I'd be hurt if my best friend didn't tell me until 20 weeks, 12 weeks I understand but 20 is already half way through. Your choice but she's perfectly entitled to disagree and be hurt.

[UptownFunk]

Thank you all, I am so glad it's not me.

She doesn't have form with me, as such, but she has lost friendships before as people have annoyed her or let her down in one way or another. Some reasons sounded valid to me, some less so. She is quite introverted (but so am I) and doesn't have many friends, but that is how she likes it. She tells me her DH and I are her only real friends. Everyone else is an acquaintance. I think she is very invested in me and my life, as we have so much in common. She does get annoyed if I am offline for a while, if I am just busy with DC1 and can't interact on social media with her sometimes. She has three DC and manages to be online more than me, so doesn't understand why I'm too busy to be online every night when I only have one.

And yes, I did say to her it wasn't about her, it was my news to share when we were ready.

Lynette, I did have a mc between dc1 and this one, early stages and I just didn't feel the need to tell. I was philosophical about it, dealt with it, started TTC again. You are right that I don't NEED her. But I like(d!) her, we chat about loads, put the world to rights, have a laugh, a good bond, so much else in common. I saw no need to tell her, or anyone. They couldn't change what happened.

Ok, so I leave replying? Her husband is lovely, maybe he will talk some sense into her.

And thank you very much, Bee.

[Lweji]

She does sound too needy.
A true introvert wouldn't need so much interaction (me) and would need some space (like you sound to).

[FannyFifer]

I'm kinda with your friend on this one & understand why she feels hurt, 12 weeks is when most people tell their news if not before.

[Riverland]

She's lonely and over invested in you and now driving you away with her neediness.

When you have dc2 you will have even less time to be online in the evening I should think, so her disappointment in you would likely escalate.

Not replying is probably ok to give her time to cool down. But if you two resume contact, I think it best if you tell her to dial back on the demanding ness.

and... congratulations

[UptownFunk]

Sorry, lots of xposts.

museum, lweji, meloria, no, it hasn't come up in the last several months at all/I haven't lied about anything. I've been happily going on about holidays, Xmas, other good stuff. Cute things dc1 is up to. Not focussed at all on TTC stuff.
And when I say TTC for a while, it's not been way beyond average, especially when I factor in how long I BFed DC1 for, so not like I have been going on and on about TTC heartache.

She would have been the first I told but I couldn't get her on Skype that day, so PIL got told first as we had plans to see them that evening. I didn't actually spell this out to her, for all she knows she was the first to know.

Thanks for all the quick responses. The general consensus is that she is being unreasonable, and that I will chill out for a while and see if she comes round to a more reasonable way of thinking.

Thank you all.

[Itsfab]

Wow.

Congratulations on your wonderful news and it is totally YOUR decision when you tell people. You have done nothing wrong. She sounds rather immature and I think that would be the end of the "friendship" for me.

It has reminded me of the day I had ds2. I texted a friend to tell her, she replied Wow, you kept that quiet! I did feel bad but I hadn't told people who live 100s of miles away as I had already had a miscarriage and wanted to wait this time just in case and then I just felt to to send a random text to her about it as more time went along. There was no other comment and we are as close as we always were.

[UptownFunk]

Fanny, yeah, and we told with DC1 at 12 weeks, but I am officially ancient now and with that comes the increased risks, so I wanted to wait til 20 weeks this time.

Thank you, riverland!

[jimmycrackcornbutidontcare]

Has either of you referred to you TTC unsuccessfully in the past few months. I would never voice my annoyance but I think I probably would feel annoyed with you if I had been offering sympathy and concern and you had been pretending you were still TTC whilst actually being pregnant. If you dropped the topic once you got pregnant then it is strange that she is upset but if you have been continuing to act sad etc in order not to arouse her suspicions then of course she feels annoyed. If she has been wasting her time and emotions trying to support someone with a pretend problem she will feel quite badly duped. If you haven't been talking to her / emailing her about fertility problems then I don't know what her problem is (other than wanting to know all your business).

[Lweji]

I didn't actually spell this out to her, for all she knows she was the first to know.

She may have got the impression she was the last, as you only told her at 20 weeks instead of the usual (and previous) 12. Does she know you only told everyone now?

But still needy.

[UptownFunk]

fab, sorry you had that reaction, but glad to know things are ok now!

Friend is needy, I have made allowances as I know she had a rubbish upbringing, has had various runs of bad luck etc.

I have been enjoying having some quiet around this pregnancy, enjoy it our way. All being well, it will be our last, and I just wanted to do it my way.

[UptownFunk]

jimmy, no, TTC has not come up at all in many months. Have not lied.

Lweji, I did tell her we were waiting til the anomaly scan! and had told no one til we knew thighs were as ok as the scan is able to detect. She knows very much she would not at all be the last to know. She really did want me to just tell her as soon as we got the BFP. I would never tell at that stage.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

For God's sake - I honestly don't know of I could salvage that friendship. I feel totally claustrophobic just reading your first post

I didn't really tell anyone outside close family that I was pregnant with DC1 until 20 weeks and DC2 until about 12 weeks

I've got plenty of friends but something's I chose to keep private and I expect that to be respected. I'm quite reserved and if anything happened etc, I feel that I could get support from my family and DH. Therefore, I wouldn't need or want needy friends' support.

[PacificDogwood]

I don't think you waiting to announce your news was at all unreasonable - equally I would not have thought it unreasonable if you had shouted it off the rooftops the minute you had a BFP . V personal decision.

I think you friend sounds v hurt which is a reflection of how needy and un-resilient she is. She needs you to need her just like she needs you.
It's an unequal friendship and as ever, the person who 'loves' more gets hurt more easily.

But this is her issue, not yours.
She needs to decide whether she can make her peace with this perceived slight or whether it is a game changer for her.
You have said your bit - I'd now let things lie for a while, send her Christmas wishes without mentioning this fall-out and see what happens.

Hopefully she will see the value of your friendship and get over her hurt.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

somethings ipad inserted rogue apostrophe. Honestly!

[Pelicangiraffe]

She has good cause to be upset but at the end of the day she has learnt a hard lesson about your friendship.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I've just read your first post again and it honestly gives me the shivers. How presumptuous to basically demand that you tell her if you needed a termination. I honestly couldn't be friends with someone demanding that level of disclosure from me and not having the insight to realise that it is very inappropriate.

[jimmycrackcornbutidontcare]

If you haven't lied then don't be apologizing or made to feel you have done anything wrong. You can tell people your news when you want to. We also didn't tell people until 20 weeks as had a miscarriage prior to the pregnancy at 14 weeks so didn't feel like we could count our chickens after the 12 week scan.

[IWantDogger]

I think of course it's your choice when to tell.

If it's helpful though - I will admit that when a very old and close friend turned up for a visit with a visible bump, 20+ wks pregnant with no.3 and hadn't said anything before (has just moved house so not seen each other for a few weeks), I found myself feeling a bit funny. My instinct was to feel that maybe we weren't as close as I had thought. She's had 3 close together and no mc as far as I know... Although I know you never quite know. I've shared with her my pregnancies after 12 wks at latest and miscarriages
. I guess the difference is I would never in a million years say anything to her because I realise its her choice, but I did see our friendship differently.

I'm 13 wks pregnant now myself. I feel a bit funny about telling people I don't see but am doing it over the next few weeks so that it's done and they don't feel kept in the dark, but that's just my way of doing things. In my circle most people seem to tell after 12 wks scan rather than waiting til 20 wks, if there is any 'normal' but it's an individual thing.

Does she realise you didn't tell anyone? Might make a coffee how she feels as she might think you told closer friends but not her.

[Beangarda]

I think her response was outrageously self-centred and borderline unhinged. That kind of bestest friend/'I'll tell you aaaallll my secrets' stuff is usually grown out of by the end of your schooldays, for heaven's sake. You don't owe her the lowdown on every aspect of your life, especially something so personal, and when it was such an emotive issue.

I was an anxious older first time mother, and told no one at all other than DH and my head of department until after the anomaly scan. My close friends and colleagues guessed, but were tactful enough to say nothing until I was ready, and no one was ungracious enough to complain they hadn't been let in on the secret, or to downgrade our friendship.

I would ignore for a while and hope she comes to her senses. She needs to grow up, frankly.