Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[MrsMcRuff]

ocelot41 I wasn't aiming my comment at you! In your circumstances I would have been very hurt, and I know I wouldn't have dealt with it with the good grace that you have done.

I was really addressing those who had said that they would have been hurt in the op's friend's position, which was that of having been told only second to grandparents, if I understood correctly.

[UptownFunk]

Sorry for disappearing, been offline.

Thank you for the extra thoughts.

For those questioning why I wouldn't have told her earlier, or what I would have done had I had a MC. I have had a miscarriage, first trimester. I didn't feel the need to tell anyone. I felt philosophical/pragmatic (not sure of best word here, no wish to offend anyone either) - it was early stages, I know the stats for MCs and felt like that was my turn to be one of those stats, I felt that that baby obviously had something that meant he/she wasn't meant to be/survive, so better early rather than late. Really sorry if that sounds insensitive to others who have been through MCs, it was how we dealt with it. I had DH, we dealt with it together, and he was all I needed.
It was about us: DH and me (and DC1) - absolutely no reflection on anyone else or how close I deemed them to be. It was DH's loss too, and had he wanted to share with someone, he could have, but he didn't. I don't think his friends are reassessing their status based in whether or not we had a MC and whether or not DH would have told them.
I understand other people deal otherwise, other people want people around them. That's up to them. People need to realise that we all react and need different things, and that the couple having the MC are all that matter - not how little or much someone else is needed to help (or not) them through it.

What we tell our friends should be no barometer of how we feel about them. I have been lovely, sweet, kind, funny, supportive to her, friendly to her. A really great friend. Doesn't mean I have to tell her everything, doesn't mean I have to tell her my medical history, doesn't mean I have to tell her something I don't want to tell her.
This is my pregnancy, I am not public property.

As for her and her reaction. Sure, if she feels disappointed, she can't help that. What she can help is the horrible messages she sent me, not considering how they would mar my happiness, not considering how they would stress me out, not considering anything but herself. It's not my fault at all that she has chosen to have minimal contact with other people. We aren't even in the same country, it's just too much. I feel now that there was a pressure building, and now it is off, and I feel more relief than sadness, I really do. I just don't need the hassle and drama. I had often encouraged her to have local friends, but everyone seems to piss her off sooner or later. I lasted rather a long time!
I have let this put a dampener on my week. It has drained me a little, and sapped my joy. Taken up too much headspace. How dare she do that to me at such a special time for me.

I have a good friend who kept her engagement from me for a month; she kept it from EVERYONE. I did not feel put out in the least. She had wanted to enjoy some privacy, get used to the idea, get the ring fitted. My only thought was pure joy that she'd found a good guy who loved her. No big deal, we are still as close as ever.

I have another friend going through IVF. If she does get pregnant, even if she doesn't tell me til the baby is here, I will be nothing but overjoyed for her.

[DistanceCall]

Mousefinkle, as I understand it, people often prefer not to tell even close friends and relatives that they are pregnant until the first three months or so are over. Early miscarriages are quite frequent.

[DistanceCall]

Congratulations!

And yes, she's unhinged. It's ALL ABOUT HER FEELINGS. Don't contact her. I think you have had a lucky escape there.

Moreover, I thought that pregnancies are often announced after three months - in the case of someone who has been trying to conceive, announcing it after five months sounds about right.

[SuperFlyHigh]

She sounds unhinged.... And overly invested in your life.

I've had 2 v close friendships in past 2 years go pearshaped but 1 of them has very skewed ideas on who to believe (rather than me!) and the other was a total nightmare who ditched me completely when her latest 'love of her life' came along. I admit with both they were v close friends but it was like that on both sides....

After the last one I've reassessed my close friends. I have a few and 1 who is v close but even she was strange recently. I'm now going to distance myself a bit from her as in my early 40s I cannot deal with a strange friend who expects me to take crap when she wants me to. If I could speak to her I would... But wouldn't work.

This friend I hate to say it but your friendship as you knew it is over. Probably for good on her part.

The only thing that could salvage it is a heartfelt letter (not email) or even phone call.

I thing she overreacted but I can see why.... You need to, if you want to keep this friendship to reestablish your boundaries but respect hers.

[Mousefinkle]

Haven't read the whole loooong thread BUT. I'd be pretty upset too, I can see her point. Maybe that makes me as selfish and horrible as her, not sure. I can totally get why you chose not to tell anyone as well of course! But if you were a close friend of mine and in my head I was thinking you were still going through a rough time TTC (had you also kept up the lie that you were getting negative tests each month?!) then to find out that all of my concerns/worries were unfounded because you were actually pregnant for FOUR MONTHS already, yeah I'd be pretty annoyed.

Depends how close you are but you sound it, especially considering you're practically her only friend. My best friend is my only real friend too and if he kept something as massive as this from me I'd be upset and yes, I'm also open and blunt enough with him to have told him in the way she did you. Try and see it from her perspective... Also would it have been so bad if your best friend knew you'd miscarried? If you had miscarried and obviously would have been devastated by that, would you have made up another reason for you being so down?

I don't know, it's a bit weird to me. I get not wanting to tell colleagues, extended family etc but close relatives and friends I don't understand the reason to keep it from them tbh.

[ocelot41]

I guess what I an trying to say is a small, private ouch moment is one thing, a big, public hissy fit is just infantile and self absorbed.

[ocelot41]

MrsMcRuff I was hurt because I thought this was a very close friend (to whom I told everything) and it was obvious that she had told lots of other friends months before me. In fact she didn't tell me at all, another friend did. My immediate reaction was ouch, that sends quite a clear message that she doesnt regard me as a particularly close friend, but these other people obviously are.

But you know, you just swallow it, get over your own insecurity and offer your congratulations don't you? This event is SO not about you! There may also have been all sorts of reasons for it happening that way around which you don't know about.So theres no way I would even raise it as an issue - her body, her choice who she tells and when and how!

[Jengnr]

I would have been hurt too if my bf didn't tell me. We have always shared stuff good and bad and celebrated and supported each other as an when required. If she suddenly shut me out of a major life event I'd be very hurt indeed. I would certainly feel that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was. I probably wouldn't say anything though because I'm a wimp :)

I don't think your friend WBU for the first part - all this business about her being dramatic and controlling and demanding is nonsense - you hurt her feelings and she told you so. Had she left it there she would not be U.

The facebook rant and flounce is ridiculous though. For that alone I think you're better off without her.

[MrsMcRuff]

To all those saying they would be hurt, would that be in the full knowledge that no-one had been told? I find it hard to believe that even very close friends would expect to be told before relatives!

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I agree that the friends relation was over the top. However, I find it really weird that people are saying a tell all type friendship should only exist in you early 20s, and real grown ups only properly share with their husband! This idea that when you marry or have a partner you become some married matron who doesn't discuss your husband or personal business and keeps friends at arms length is bizarre to me, and a little sad. After all, statistically, women live longer, so what happens when hubby dies (or clears off with another woman) ? Alot of reactions along the lines of " oh she must not have children / be jealous" when actually the friend was just hurt that you kept her in the dark. I would never send the email she sent, but if it was a close friend, I would feel hurt tbh.

[ItIsntJustAPhase]

I really don't think it matters if I, in the friend's position, would have been hurt. The WHOLE point of being a grown up is that sometimes people do things that hurt us or make us reassess our relationship with them but we don't have massive strops or tantrums.

So what if I'm hurt? I don't get to send a horrible email like that. I get to lick my (perceived) wounds and tread more carefully, spend my affection differently.

[Legodino]

I also would have been hurt if I'd only been told at 4 months

[lurkerspeaks]

I've supported a couple,of friends through infertility and IVF.

I would be very upset if they hadn't told me the outcome 'til 20weeks.

Maybe this says more about me than them but I genuinely worried for the, esp. for the IVf crew.i have never been more pleased than when my friends told me about their pregnancies - both at about 6 weeks.

I would never have sent that e.mail but I might have thought it.

I'm rapidly realising through family strife that my attitude to health /life issues is much more open than many others, eg?I don't think my Gran's dementia diagnosis should be a secret and don't really understand why my aunt finds it so hard to tell people it isn't embarrassing people knowing just means we as a family get the support we need from family, friends and agencies.

[ocelot41]

A dear friend of mine only told me she was PG after 4 months. I did feel a little hurt she hadn't chosen to tell me but reminded myself that she is just a private person and may have had lots of other reasons for keeping it to herself. So of course I kept schtum, gave her a big hug and congratulated her. I would never even dream of sending a mg like that!!!!

[gointothewoods]

Coming from the perspective of someone who has had several miscarriages and struggled to conceive without medical help, I find it odd that you wouldn't tell one of your best friends that you were pregnant before 20 weeks.
IMO it's your choice but why not tell a close friend? Someone who cares about you? I chose to tell friends early in my pregnancies as personally I learned from my first pregnancy (m/c @ 10 weeks) that being open worked for me and gained huge support and love.

[Italiangreyhound]

UptownFunk so sorry to hear your date. all the best.

[UptownFunk]

Thank you, Sparkle.
Raising.

[RaisingMen]

UptownFunk I didn't even think of that - suppose I'll have to!

[SparkleZilla]

Glad to see lots of support for you OP x
it is your decision all the way!

[UptownFunk]

kumamon.
I shall be happy, thank you!

[kumamon]

It would never cross my mind to be miffed about when close friends or even immediate family shared this news. My only response would be genuine joy for them - I can't imagine feeling anything else.

I'm sorry you've experienced this OP, it sounds like it was always in the post with her - so please don't let it mar your happiness. You did nothing wrong in this situation. This is entirely about her. Such a shame, as she is likely to cut herself off from many people in her life.

Be happy OP. Congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy. Now surround yourself with people who will support you.