Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[UptownFunk]

Gobbolino, that's me - reserved. Not a reflection on how I feel about her, or anyone, it's how I am. I am very open with DH and DC1 (age appropriate), and that's enough for me. And yes, that's how I felt, like I owed it to her to tell her every single thing, no matter how personal.

Pacific, I've felt we are equals. I just don't need to tell absolutely everything. And this news, it just felt so special after TTC a while, I wanted to savour it a little, enjoy our space, breathe. And wait for the anomaly scan.
Thank you for the good luck wishes.

[IWantDogger]

Make a coffee? What was that about? Meant make a difference obviously!

[debbriana]

She went to far with her email but I think she is right on the kind of friendship the two of you have.

With my best friend I could not wait to tell her. She even quest it within a week of me finding out. I had to tell her after that. It was the way I was talking to her about it. Nothing to do with signs.

[RandomMess]

She is BU, however when/if you do reply, I think I would consider including something along the lines of "yes I would have shared a miscarriage or termination with you as soon as I felt able to tell anyone other than keeping it between DH and I, just the same as I told you as soon as DH and I were ready to share our pregnancy news beyond each other"

Perhaps she really doesn't get that you are more private than even her.

[UptownFunk]

Sorry about your loss, jimmy.

Dogger, funny you said that! I did just turn up on another friend's doorstep after the anomaly scan, and told her in person. (We now live a fair distance away.) She was nothing but delighted for me, and I think it was nicer to tell in person than on the phone, under these circumstances.
Good luck with your pregnancy.

Thanks, Bean. No one guessed with me at all, am barely showing at 20 weeks. Now I am letting it all hang out though!

[ThePinkOcelot]

I cant understand ppl saying she is deranged etc. She isn't. She sounded hurt and upset to me. I can see where she is coming from. She was obviously under theimpression that you are close friends and share things. She has now found out that is not the case.

[UptownFunk]

I have shared with her, Pink, just to my own timescale, about something about me, that was private, super special, and something I wanted to savour. Everyone will find out sooner or later.

[Blue2014]

I can understand her being a little hurt (I was when my best friend told me she was sick rather than revealing the pregnancy at 11 rather than 12 weeks) but for me, that's my issue - I share things and she's private and that's ok. She entitled to whatever she wants, it's not my place to be mean about it!

I don't mind your friend being upset, but I do think she way she communicated it was disrespectful and unfair.

[specialsubject]

how bizarre. And insulting.

keeping it quiet until 20 weeks is perfectly reasonable. Or whenever you want to announce. But there are good reasons to wait until after the anomaly scan.

not everything has to be 'shared', we don't live in the sodding big brother house.

ignore or tell her you'll be back in touch when you can be guaranteed not to get a stream of abuse.

congratulations!

[FrogIsATwatInASantaHat]

The email was very dramatic but i can understand why she felt bad.

[Pelicangiraffe]

You've basically told her at the same point you'll tell any tom dick or Harry.

[Pelicangiraffe]

I'm surprised you seem so justified in your actions when you have such a close relationship

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

There is nothing odd about keeping this news to yourself until 20 weeks. She is your friend not your partner. Her reaction tells you a lot about her perspective, and also gives you the opportunity to have a guilt free clean break!

[girliefriend]

I think the fact that she sent you that msg is weird, it is one of those situations where you might think 'oh it would have been nice that my friend felt she could have confided in me sooner' but you wouldn't actually say it out loud!!

[Quitelikely]

I think she was a little too invested here. She cared immensely about your desire for another child. So she cared too much about you. Is that really a bad thing?

I do think her response was disproportionate.

Good friends, real friends - the type you can call at 3 in the morning are hard to come by so you should think carefully about discarding her.

[HollyJollyXmas]

She sounds MENTAL and self absorbed. Ditch her.

[FrogIsATwatInASantaHat]

Bloody hell half of you seem a bit precious? As i said.. email dramatic.. but to say she is 'MENTAL '? Fucking nasty.

[GristletoeAndWhine]

I rather doubt that she cared too much about OP, or spent a great many months worrying about the OP TTC. My guess from her behaviour is that she cares rather a lot about being #1.

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

Good friend, or self centred, controlling and demanding? Inappropriate boundaries in my opinion.

[FrogIsATwatInASantaHat]

I think she thought she was a better friend to op than op did! I'd be very upset if my close friend kept such news quiet til 20 weeks... I must be MENTAL

[merrymouse]

I think she is very wrong to try to control you like that. Some people feel comfortable sharing this kind of information, some don't. There is no right or wrong way to be. Many, many people don't share this kind of information with their own parents, even when they would say that they have a very close relationship.

A true friend would understand.

I really wouldn't reply.

[MrsKCastle]

Uptown, your friend is being ridiculous. I have been in your friend's situation only about a week ago- a fairly close friend of mine has been TTC for some time (years rather than months). I hadn't seen her for a while but had spoken every few weeks, with her saying nothing major was happening in her life. Met up with her last week and saw her pregnant belly immediately! She's about 6 months. My immediate reaction was joy and excitement for her and a week later that's stilly reaction. I understand perfectly why she and her DH wanted to wait until quite late to share the news.

[trilbydoll]

I think some people are very positive about pregnancy and don't even contemplate something might go wrong. Personally, I am constantly dreading the next milestone in case something has!

We won't tell friends until we have heard the heartbeat at the 16w appointment, we are so superstitious and terrified of jinxing it. But a lot of people openly laugh at us for being like that, they genuinely can't understand it.

[RaisingMen]

Maybe she did feel hurt, and that's fine. What is not fine is that she sent you such a shitty email telling you how she felt! She should have kept it to herself, allowed herself a day to feel pissed off before getting over it and celebrating your news. You don't need "friends" like that. Don't reply.
Ps - im almost 18 weeks pregnant after recurrent miscarriage so understand your apprehension. Congratulations!!

[UptownFunk]

Just to clarify. TTC took longer than hoped, but not way beyond the realms of average, especially factoring in my age, and that I BFed DC1 for a long long time. It's not like I was on Skype to her every week crying that we weren't pregnant yet. Our chats were not all TTC. Barely at all. Yes, we were trying. No, we were not at the IVF stage yet.

We haven't told every Tom, Dick or Harry. Have not done a Fb announcement, and won't. We have just told family and close friends. Partly because I am more sensitive now to those who may be struggling to conceive, or have had losses.

She is special to me, and she knows it. I consider her my closest friend after DH, despite the fact we are oceans and time zones apart, but I don't think that means I have to tell her everything. I'm sad she has reacted like this, and tried to make it about her. I just think it was unnecessary.