Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[Italiangreyhound]

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset by this, I can see why she is upset but I don't feel she is in the right.

I think if I were in your shoes I would probably email and say I was sorry she was upset (I would be) but I felt it was a piece of news I only wanted to share when ready, and that I hoped she would understand that. It's fine that you feel that way, and it is fine that she doesn't understand it. Can you now move on.

I am pretty sure this reaction, rather than making you want to share information faster than with her, will make you more cautious to share with her! I am sure you can rebuild your friendship but you may both just have to realise that it is not as close as she thought it was.

After many years of TTC and a miscarriage I would have been very careful who I told about any pregnancy early on (for me before 12 weeks) and it's always a woman's choice to share something so personal when she feels ready IMHO!

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Jesus there are some nasty people on here.

uptown. Congratulations!! I hope it all goes really well for you.

I think your friend has been really honest with you. Saying how we feel isn't a very British thing, we are much better at seething quietly. She is really hurt that she feels much closer to you, than you have demonstrated you feel to her. She can't imagine keeping this from you and is surprised and hurt you don't feel the same.

Of course it's your news to do with as you please, no one is denying that, but in turn you need to understand how hurt she feels that you wouldn't want to share this with her much! much sooner.

I think the decent thing to do is to send her a nice email. Explain that lie a little that she was the first person you told, but you just weren't ready to talk about it before now. Apologise that you have hurt her by not telling her sooner and say that you hope she understands that you weren't ready to say it out loud to anyone until after the anomaly scan.

[Beangarda]

I would never use the weird 'mental', but yes, the friend's behaviour is insanely melodramatic and very teenage. The fact that someone she supposedly loves is having a longed-for child is ignored, apart from being fodder for her operatic screechings about what other important life events might be being kept from her, for god's sake. Could it be any more 'me, me, MEEE'?

Do adult women really have some kind of hierarchy of disclosures where they're compelled to share important news with a self-appointed best friend a set amount if time before a general announcement, in case Best Friend mightn't feel special enough??? Are you simply not allowed to keep even ver personal, distressing things to yourself?

[nottheOP]

Dear friend,

In the nicest way possible, this isn't about you

[UptownFunk]

Good luck, trilby!
And congratulations to you too, RaisingMen. Will you change your username if this one's a girl?!

MrsK, that's so nice. We told PIL in person, I'm not really showing but I wore my most well-fitting top and stuck out my belly. Felt lovely seeing MIL's face when she saw my tummy. They haven't been at all out out that we didn't tell them sooner, and they're the grandparents.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

She is special to me, and she knows it. I consider her my closest friend after DH, despite the fact we are oceans and time zones apart, but I don't think that means I have to tell her everything. I'm sad she has reacted like this, and tried to make it about her. I just think it was unnecessary

She doesn't feel it right now :(. She's not making it about her, she's making it about your friendship, which it is. She congratulated you etc and now she is telling you how hurt she feels that your friendship isn't what she thought it was.

[NotALondoner]

I totally understand where she is coming from. She's just had a bucket of water thrown on her, and is now seeing how differently you both viewed the friendship.

[HollyJollyXmas]

My best friend in the whole world didnt tell me she was pregnant until she was 24 weeks gone (she is also living abroad). She had anxieties about everything being Ok and didnt want to share her news until she was sure the pregnancy was viable.

A true friend (and a mature adult!) would understand this.

A ranting 'me me me' email and then a passive aggressive 'i'm so happy for you' is just piss poor.

She sounds deeply unpleasant.

[Beangarda]

People are making it sound as if the OP is married to the friend and has been unfaithful to her! The friend may think that friendship involves full disclosure of everything from the moment of conception, but the OP feels differently, as is her right. It doesn't mean she doesn't value her friend, it just means she hasn't signed up to the 'full disclosure' friendship pact.

[UptownFunk]

Thanks, greyhound.
chipping, well, she isn't British, so there is that! You may be on to something! She does like to say how she feels! Ok, I will chill tonight, and think about a peace-making email tomorrow. I am hurt she felt she needed to say what she said, and try and sully my happiness, but I do see that she was hurt too. Though really, I think she should have overlooked any perceived slight, and understood that it is my news to share as and when.
She would have been the first, had I managed to reach her on Skype, I'll say she was!

notOP, lol!
bean, I think you are right! well! I feel the same. I am entitled to some space, privacy, whatever. And I was really happy just chilling with DH with our news, after so long, it just felt like something I wanted to keep private for a while.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts.

[UptownFunk]

Cross posts.

Bean has it. I DO value her, and I value our friendship. But some things feel private, between me and DH. I should not feel obliged to tell anyone until we are ready. It's not a reflection on her, or our relationship. I'm sorry she took it that way. But I really wish she has thought a bit more rather than ranting at me and making me feel bad, at this special time. I feel annoyed that she did that.

[SirChenjin]

I don't think you need to extend the olive branch at all. She's displayed her 'unBritishness' and now it's time for her to acknowledge that your feelings take priority over hers, regardless of what she might feel as a grown woman of any nationality, and apologise.

[LooksLikeRainDear]

\i have only read the first page. I wouldn't have written the big long essay she wrote but I think I would be surprised that a good friend waited so long to tell me. But I would have just reassessed the friendship and taken a step back, not questioned it, because you cant make people share things with you.

[Pelicangiraffe]

I don't think she's trying to make it all about her. I think she's just upset and has told you honestly how she feels. As people do when they are close.

[Legodino]

If she was more British she'd just take it on the nose and keep her chin up.

[HumblePieMonster]

congratulations!

and ditch the loony friend, you'll never regret it. all this 'right-on MN' stuff, suggesting you should feel for her, forget it. you had good news, she responded with hatred and jealousy.

[mineofuselessinformation]

I don't think you need to extend an olive branch at all. She has behaved very badly.
Any true friend would try to understand your reasoning even if they didn't agree with it.

[WorkingBling]

When you tell people is your right. But our friend sounds like she is trying to express her hurt that she felt you didn't trust her.

Quite honestly, if my best friend didn't tell me until 20 weeks I would be upset and I would reassess the friendship. Of course you have the right to want to keep it to yourself but she has the right to find that hurtful. And it does demonstrate that her place her in your life is not the same as yours in hers.

So you can email her and tell her what you think and she may listen. Or she might decide that actually she doesn't want to be friends with someone who feels the need to keep secrets like this. I know I would respect the decision of a friend who decided to be this secretive. But I also would never see that friend in the same light again.

[Legodino]

She didn't respond with hatred and jealousy. She's only upset because she thought you two were very close friends

[Beangarda]

I genuinely don't get the people who are saying they would reassess the friendship purely because a friend didn't tell them she was pregnant before a certain number of weeks. It's not as if the OP told everyone else the minute there was a line on the test window, omitting only the friend - she chose not to tell anyone, not even the baby's grandparents-to-be, until she had the anomaly scan. For very understandable reasons.

Do you really measure friendship in terms of how far in advance of everyone else you get told things? And do you go to the loo in pairs with your best friends?

[kaykayblue]

I would feel a bit weird if I considered myself very close to someone and they waited that long to tell me they were pregnant when I knew they had been trying. You expect people to keep it quiet for the first trimester, but I've never known someone to wait longer than that.

That said, of course it's a personal thing, and I would never send such a crazy e-mail to anyone!! Her comments about miscarriage and terminations? How the fuck does she think that is any of her business????

If you want you could reply with something along the lines with:

I'm sorry you felt in some way robbed that I didn't tell you of the pregnancy earlier. If it eases your mind in any way, we weren't keeping just you in the dark - you are one of the first people we told in fact.

In relation to the other major life events you mention - miscarriage and abortion - I find it very bizarre that you feel as if you have some inherent right to know of such personal issues in people's lives. I share with friends the things that I am happy to speak to them about. I don't feel obliged to uncover every aspect of my life as some kind of proof of our bond. This isn't Sex in the City. If that is the sort of friendship you are looking for, then I can't provide you with that.

[Sleepyfergus]

I agree with a PP that the friends reply make me feel v uncomfortable and claustrophobic. I think she has massively over-reacted and if she has lost friends before due to them not conforming to her friendship rules, then I'm afraid I thinks she needs to take a good long hard look at herself as she could very easily end up with no friends.

Congrats on your pregnancy and I totally get waiting until after the anomaly scan to tell folks. This is absolutely not you, she is the one BU. Good luck and here's to a h&h pregnancy!

[BertieBotts]

She's a frenemy. I've got one of those. I keep getting suckered in thinking she's actually nice but then she does or says something which reminds me she just likes to stir all the time. Avoid! It's hurtful and confusing, though, especially when you thought the person was a genuine friend.