Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!

[UptownFunk]

DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.

I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.

I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.

"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"

I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.

She replied:
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."

This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?

[Schoolaroundthecorner]

A close friend of mine told me she was pregnant at 17 weeks. While I was surprised she was so far along, it was her decision who she told and at what point. I don't consider her less of a friend, it was her news to tell when she felt ready. I've no doubt she had her reasons but its her business what they were.

[Lweji]

For one, pregnancy news are good, yes, but things can go horribly wrong and the OP is acutely aware of that. It's not good to have to share bad news (knock on wood). And her friend should know that.

Needy people can have friends, but should be careful not to strangle them or sabotage them, particularly if they want to be friends with reserved and introvert people.
A tantrum doesn't look good in any age let alone adults.

Finally, OMG at excusing her because she's not British. Fgs!

[PacificDogwood]

Well, as the varied opinions on this thread demonstrate, there is no right or wrong time to announce a pregnancy and there is no wrong way to feel about a late announcement, but IMO there clearly is wrong way to react. Being told somebody is pregnant (and happy about it!) MUST trigger "congratulations!" and best wishes and not criticism of the timing.

But then as soon as somebody is pregnant everything they do or don't do become public property, doesn't it? People feel entitled to comment on all sorts of things…

Of course needy people can and should have friends, but it can be hard work to stay friends with a needy person.
I don't know whether this particular friendship will survive, but clearly feelings have been hurt on both sides which is why I think OP should lie low for a while.
Maybe her friend needs a bit of time to get her head around this news. Who knows, maybe she has had her own problems?? You live so far away from each other that it's quite easy to not really know the ins and outs of each other's lives - you both may have been 'editing' and only telling the other what you wanted to share. Which is fair enough, but may work both ways.

[shushpenfold]

It's really interesting reading this thread as it is obvious that people are in 1 of two camps....the 'don't tell anyone except for immediate family (DH, DM,DD) until at least 12 weeks' group and the 'tell family and very close friends quickly' group. I was in the first group for the first pg and then ended up accidentally in the second for number 2 child when one friend who had some 'communication issues' overheard something, put 2 and 2 together, guessed and announced it for me!!

I don't think that either group really understand the other party on news like this....it's a very personal reaction and I think that both groups need to be understanding of the other's POV.

[Legodino]

The fact you didn't tell her about the miscarriage shows you're not that close to her

[Madmum24]

Yes she is being unreasonable. The email is nasty and self centred.

However, I have been in the position of your friend (I had my own thread) and I was rather miffed, I did feel deceived and hurt HOWEVER I said my big congratulations and kept my feelings inward apart from MN where I was told IWBU and have tried to be as supportive as I can.

It did make me initially reassess our friendship though. I would never have kept such big news from her for so long (and I am a very private pregnancy person) but had to accept she felt differently.

[saintlyjimjams]

I think it does depend what conversations you were having before hand & during your early pregnancy. I was about my friend becayse we had been going through tttc together & had had all sorts of intimate conversations. If I'd had no idea that tttc was on the cards, or she'd been very private about that I wouldn't have felt hurt. It was more that it was a joint thing, in it together, then suddenly frozen out.

Although of course I said congratulations & wonderful news then put the phone down and sobbed on DH's shoulder at the diminished friendship aspect

I do think she's 'entitled' to feel what she feels, and it may be understandable - but she should have sat in her hands & not said anything. Although as someone said above maybe that's the british approach & this could be about a clash of cultures as well.

[ivykaty44]

So she was left thinking you were still trying for s baby and all along you were already pg and didn't say...I can see why she is pissed of with her friendship with you as you are certainly not treating her fairly.

It is about you but you have hurt her feelings over a friendship she thought was close and by your actions clearly isn't. That's your prerogative but you may have lost a friend

[OfficerKaren]

I didn't tell my DMum or DSister until three months. My DSis only shared news of early miscarriages years after the events although we are close. I knew she was TTC and having problems and we discussed her treatment and ivf options etc. We are older and old-fashioned I guess and all went when a cousin announced a pregnancy at 8 weeks.

In our close family your behaviour would be considered the norm. I would be stunned at the thought processes and reaction such as ivykaty and saintlyjimjams describe. It's a sad situation with two incompatible views of what is normal to share with those closest to you.

[OfficerKaren]

Just saw Legodino's post. I must say that is a wrong conclusion to draw.

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

I disagree with all the people who think she has a right to be annoyed with you. I think it is wildly intrusive to demand to know such intimate news on her timetable rather than yours. I think her behaviour is demanding and controlling. Other people may relate to her and feel that it is the level of "closeness" they want in a friendship. For me it would be over the line into co-dependence.

[TheWindowDonkey]

I think its very easy to judge people from inside your own head, but I can see that a lot of people here are expecting your friend to react as if she were them, and we are after all people with different life experiences which shape us emotionally.
You say she is introverted and has had a rough run of things, so your stable, loving relationship thus far may mean far more to her than to you. Does she have a family of her own aside from her DH and kids? Sisters? If not it may be that she sees you in that role and therefore as being part of your 'inner circle' that get to,d everything.
It's always a shock when someone does something that you wouldn't do if the roles were reversed, it's not unhinged behaviour to express that, actually it takes a lot of guts to do so.
Whether you feel her feelings are unreasonable or not they are HER feelings and she has as much right to tell you them as you have not to tell her about your news until now. I think you both need an honest chat where you can both express yourselves and move on. It sounds like an important relationship to you both...they are not often found or maintained as adults.

[MurkyMinotaur]

Is there any chance your friend is on the autistic spectrum? If not, forgive me, this reply isn't relevant.

The reason I ask is that I am autistic and when I hear about a change, my world collapses and I have to make a new one that assimilates that new development. This means that whenever I hear news, even good news, I panic inside and my mind is in turmoil and the mental pain is severe. But I have the good sense to say 'Congrats' and 'I'm happy for you' because that's not a lie, I can have more than one feeling and also be happy for someone.

Your friend's response was not right, but her motive might be less simple than it seems. In any case, she might want to be reassured that you love her. You could go above and beyond, reassuring her, even though your friend doesn't deserve it because that's love - giving grace and forgiveness when it isn't deserved.

[Reddeb]

I think I may have been a tiny bit hurt and may have wanted to reasses the friendship. I wouldn't have said something as we are all so british and God forbid we express our real emotions or feelings about anything that is considered mental.

I did have a friend who I considered my best friend she kept pregnancy news from me, miscarraiges and other stuff. Whereas she knew everything about me even the bad stuff. I didn't say anything but the friendship did become more distant as I realised that I was more open than her and regretted what I had shared with her.

[Joysmum]

Announcing a pregnancy for some isn't just about announcing a pregnancy, it's about announcing there will be a baby.

I think it's perfectly understandable that there are people who want to have gone through the riskier times before they announce.

To make this about anything other than concern that the person is happy, comfortable and confident in their pregnancy is selfish.

[Mammanat222]

I didn't tell a few of my friends until I was more than 5 months gone (they had been away traveling so I waited to tell them in person)

I have known these friends for over a decade and had either of them reacted like your "friend" I'd have been incredibly shocked.

Maybe this explains why you are her 'only' friend

[UptownFunk]

Thank you everyone for so many replies, I really wasn't expecting such a response here and can't quite keep up! Really sorry for not answering every question or namechecking here.

Lego, I didn't tell anyone about the mc, apart from DH, though well, he was there at the scan so found out when I found out. Didn't want to talk about it. We dealt with it. It's not a reflection on anyone else.

Murky, I don't know if she is on the spectrum, I am afraid to admit it is not something I know much about. How could I tell?

The responses have been interesting, mostly agreeing with me that her message was out of order, but the few seeing her side and why she was hurt are valuable, so thank you. That said, I agree she is entitled to feel however she feels, you can't help that. What I think she can help, and it's nothing to do with not being British (she is Canadian, not much of a different culture to here?) is to contain those negative thoughts and not rain on my parade. Especially at a time when we have been trying a while, finally have a pregnancy and I am happy.

Anyway. I got a long email late last night from her on our group page we have on Fb (it is just her and me on it, we find it easier than messaging via the email system). No apology, more an extended rant like the one in my OP. More along the lines of 'but you wouldn't have told me if you'd had a mc or needed to terminate, waaah, I would have thought you'd needed me to be there for you to support you' etc.
I rattled off a quick reply saying it wasn't about her, and the support I needed is not for a mc/termination but a happy pregnancy (hopefully) so can she just be happy for me please.
I have just gone to check the group page to be more accurate in my reporting ... and she has removed herself from it (and so the messages have disappeared), and either removed her FB account or blocked me.

I'm really really shocked.

[UptownFunk]

victorian, she has three children. We are both in our 40s.

She is as lonely as she chooses to be - she chooses not to have many people in her life. She has always said her husband and children are enough, and I am a real bonus. Well, I was! I've been deleted.
I think you may have missed my update!

[Lweji]

You know the red flags for potential partners?
They include:
Not having friends (or any previous partners)
Giving you the idea that you are special and different from the others.

Because it's people who can't get along with other people and you will end up being like every one else.
It's the same with friends.

Let her go and perhaps be a little bit more cautious about being that friendly with someone like this. I hope you are not too hurt by her.

[saintlyjimjams]

I think Canadian/north American culture is VERY different to here.

I worked in Japan for a bit, and yes there were lots of differences, but I actually found my north American colleagues had a very different approach to relationships and friendships & boundaries - I found my Britishness more like the Japanese in that respect.

[Lweji]

I'm in Portugal and have South American friends, and lived in the UK for over a decade.
My friends are the type of living and let live. We share what we want to share and see each other when it suits us. No stropping.

It's the people, mostly, not the culture.

[UptownFunk]

Gosh, Lweji, I did not know that.
She does have a great husband, I took that as a good sign!

I'm doing ok, thank you. I emailed DH at work and he was sweet, and said well, the signs were there! I guess I knew that, but she and I really felt like two peas in a pod in so many ways, and I enjoyed our friendship. I'm ok, am deliriously happy to be pregnant after what has felt like ages, finally a sibling for DC1 who has desperately wanted a little buddy for so long, I have good friends all over the place, and a lovely family. It's a shame, I really didn't think she'd go so far as to remove me from her Facebook.

[basgetti]

I think your friend has behaved outrageously. It is your private medical information to announce when you choose, no one has a 'right' to it. And as for her thinking you should inform her of a termination or MC, WTF?

I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and I've still not made any official announcement, never made a comment about it on FB. I had a MMC a year ago so wanted to be cautious, and then have suffered from severe HG all the way through and tbh had doubts at some points about continuing with this (much wanted) pregnancy and just wanted some privacy. Obviously my close family were told pretty early on due to being so unwell, and local friends are aware because they see me, but distant relatives and friends may not be aware unless they have heard through the grapevine and I certainly won't be making any apologies for that when I finally announce the birth.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP, and try not to let her ruin this time for you.