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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Panorama, BBC1 now. Domestic violence

224 replies

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 20:58

Scary stuff.

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/12/2014 06:30

only when I saw the panic in my ex when he realised thay it was over did I see how much "power" I actually had.

the diary she wrote. wow :(

did he end up in prison? I missed where they said where that pondlife was

apologies to actual stuff that lives in ponds

StrychnineStew · 09/12/2014 06:51

The dependency/co-dependency thing completely explains the phenomenon of contraception sabotage, which I expereinced in a violent relationship in my early 20s and was absolutely staggered to learn later was a 'thing' with abusive men.

It explains the need for control, interspersed with seeming loss of control; It explains much of what is in the literature as well as what I've seen.

It just makes sense. If you're completely fucked up and can't manage a 'healthy' relationship, you 'need' someone to stay while you mime your twisted version of one.

LocalEditorEssex · 09/12/2014 06:57

hissy he got 10 years.

Hissy · 09/12/2014 07:15

10 years!

ok so given what normally happens, that's amazing. you get less for killing someone dangerous driving..BUT

he abused her for 10 years. she'll be suffering for way longer! I hope he dies in prison so she remains forever free of him.

Hissy · 09/12/2014 07:24

what's scary is that she met him in her 50's.

a message for us all, abusers come in all shapes, sizes and ages :(

her body language, when she held herself (and the broken ribs) and moved towards him.. because she was frightened, and being closer to him would calm him and she's be complying.

i'dd like to think that i've done the work to avoid ever being in that situation again.

the bloke on this programme was merely pathetic, which is why he was so violent actually, as he was impotent and weak he had to batter as he couldn't control in any other way as well. the preplanned attack is chilling.

I know abuser manufacture anger, but that's on another level. just shows the answer to the question 'do they know they're doing this?' is a "YES"

:(

CogitOIOIO · 09/12/2014 07:29

Probably not the part I should have been focusing on but I couldn't square away the description the charity shop woman gave of the abusive man ... essentially, a nice bloke .... with the pictures of him on the police camera... scruffy, unpleasant, shooting his mouth off. Must have been one hell of a transformation when he left the house.

BingBong36 · 09/12/2014 07:34

This also really hit a nerve with me.

My dad emotionally abused my mum for many years, the amount if times I was at the police station in bits over it for them to come and take him away but told 'nothing we can do until he he hits her'. It's just as bad in my eyes and hopefully soon in the eyes of the law.

ConfusedNC · 09/12/2014 07:43

My ex was Ea but thankfully never physical. If you met him you'd think he was sweet and gentle, bit dippy. As soon as he couldn't keep up that image, if someone's seen through him, then he's different. Mainly since we split and he can't maintain tge pretence he shows his nasty side.

A lot of people have now seen it. So I think with man on the film, he couldn't pretend in front of police as it wasn't fully in historical control unlike the scenario in the charity shop.

The nice v nasty... It's part of what kept me there too. I used to feel like I imagined Mr Hyde cos he was so normal at other times. It was that confusion that really affected my health, mental and physical. I still feel it quite often then my heart breaks again. You want to believe you're wrong and the nice him is the real one, and somehow you can get back to that version of reality.

He was definitely very dependant on me but nothing I did was enough.

ConfusedNC · 09/12/2014 07:44

Silly phone! His not historical!

BeeOrchid · 09/12/2014 19:52

My husband tried to destroy the relationship between me and my children, like the programme said these men do.

It is the most painful part of the whole ordeal. I have a good relationship with each one of them, he didn't destroy the relationship but he deliberately ruined my experience of motherhood and their childhood.

Everyone I went to for help, dismissed me. He was a good provider, handsome, charming. WTF was I complaining about?

I never had the severity of violence some of the women in the programme had. No broken bones. But I did have plenty of bruises, cuts, lumps and bumps. And I know I'm damaged emotionally. I'm trying to get over that, every single day.

BertieBotts · 09/12/2014 21:38

I feel like mine robbed me of my chance to be a good mother, too. I'm sure some would say that is excuses, I left when DS was one so I should have been able to be a good mother after then (and I believe I was a good mother before I left, too.) But I feel like he stole it because if it had been up to my judgement, I wouldn't have got pregnant in that situation or relationship, at that time of my life. He pushed and pushed and pushed until my heart won out over my head and I fell into that dream, of course as soon as it happened, I knew I'd be raising my child alone.

I am angry that he pushed me to make a decision I was doing quite well at saying no to, despite wanting it, and then dropped the ball. I can count on one hand the number of nappies he changed, I remember every one because it was such a drama trying to get him to do anything. He hasn't seen our son for four years. And yet occasionally when my six year old has a tantrum, something in that expression, my ex's face flashes through his, and I have to remind myself "You are not him".

I'm not a great mum. I'm okay but I'm not great. I'm still recovering from that relationship and I haven't had any space to do so, so I make my own space by pushing anyone and everyone away sometimes. You're not supposed to push your child away, but I have to to survive, and I am only just surviving. I am thankful every day that I happened across someone who is caring, who fills both gaps - my gap and my ex's gap. Really, they are both his gaps. His doing. Honestly if I think about my marriage too hard I know that I don't deserve it.

BeeOrchid · 09/12/2014 21:50

Maybe that's what I'm doing now, pushing my children away. They're adults and have been very supportive since STBXH left. But really, despite feeling lonely I'd usually rather be on my own. I'm not sure if I'm withdrawing unhealthily or just creating space to heal in.

All this angst and damage while these people just go off looking for the next victim while feeling like a victim themselves.

It was so striking, that bastard who'd actually just beaten his wife black and blue and broken her ribs, thinking he was the victim and blaming herfor getting him in trouble. Really, really believing it. Poor him. incredible.

BertieBotts · 09/12/2014 21:53

They DO always think they are the victim. It's why I'm always suspicious of male DV victim threads on here. That's terrible if they're genuine but I just can't not see that "poor me" abuser spiel. I did read once that there are quite clear signs to tell the difference if you know what you're looking for, but the DV charities quite understandably don't really want that kind of information to be freely accessible on the internet. I remember it made total sense when I read it, though.

BeeOrchid · 09/12/2014 22:01

STBXH ticks every box for an abuser. Yet somehow he is the victim in our current situation. I don't know how he's done it or believes it.

Hissy · 09/12/2014 23:03

minimisation, denial and blame...

TwoNoisyBoys · 09/12/2014 23:10

I must catch this on iplayer. I'm nervous about watching it because I know it'll bring back memories I'd rather keep locked away, but I'm glad that this type of abuse is getting more recognition. It's incredibly difficult to describe it to someone, unless they've been in the situation, so raising awareness can only do good.

Yazbulls · 10/12/2014 00:49

Just loved the gender balance of the program......and loving the way it is reflected in this thread!

WellWhoKnew · 10/12/2014 01:27

What do you mean Yazbulls, I can read your sentence in two ways?

TanteRose · 10/12/2014 01:33

For those who can't get iPlayer

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu4rP9wureY

Hissy · 10/12/2014 07:11

1 in 3 women report DV in a relationship.

report. REPORT.

1 in 8 men report dv in their lives.

2 women a week are killedd by their partners.

2 men a month are killed by theirs.

DV is more prevalent male against female. these are the facts.

the programme followed 1 woman's call to the police and was called DV caught on camera.

it may be upsetting for some to see that we're discussing male on female violence, and recounting our anecdotes, but the statistics are there, we are Mumsnet, predominently female.

we know dv happens to men by women too, which is as unacceptable as male to female violence.

men are not the enemy here, abusers are.

let's not look for division where there is none.

violence and abuse must end no matter the gender.

Hissy · 10/12/2014 07:15

it's well worth watching, it's distressing in terms of theme, but mostly because if you've been abused the fact that these sick vile people all seem to work from a script never ceases to shock, even years later.

the police (hants) really are good in this, and it will help othher victims find the strength to come forward.

i'm proud that these police are the force that protects me. i'm glad I don't need them to, but it's good to know they get it.

TanteRose · 10/12/2014 07:22

one thing that was mentioned also, was DV in same-sex relationships, which is apparently not talked about very much.

wonder if the 2 men a month who are killed are also mainly victims of their male partners?

Charley50 · 10/12/2014 07:57

TanteRose I've often wondered that too. I haven't seen a breakdown of the figures anywhere though.

StrychnineStew · 10/12/2014 08:06

Don't know if there is anything here that would should light Tante (in a DIY maths way?)

www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/expertise/resources

CogitOIOIO · 10/12/2014 09:51

Men - whether in a domestic setting or otherwise - are usually murdered by other men. According to ONS, statistically, the biggest victims of murder (per million of population) are children under the age of one. Males form 69% of murder victims. Women are statistically more likely to be killed by partners/ex-partners (45% vs 4%) and men are more likely to be killed by acquaintances (35% vs 5%)... usually male ones.

So the common denominator is that, in any given homicide, domestic or otherwise, men tend to be the aggressors.