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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

exp is taking me to court....again

249 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 10:51

..or so he keeps saying Angry

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him Sad he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa Hmm ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not Shock and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 11:01

I wish our relationship could be better. it's awful. and the next 10 years are going to be continually difficult if it doesn't improve.

ds in now at preschool and his Christmas show is on next week. I haven't said to exp about it because I don't want to even 've in the same room as him, it makes me so uncomfortable, but it's not about me is it, and I know ds would love to have his dad there watching him so I'm going to have to say to him aren't I.

OP posts:
WrappedInABlankie · 06/12/2014 11:40

Pick your ds up tomorrow as say you are NOT having ds this Christmas we've made our agreements and I'm not changing them this close to Christmas as you've changed your mind.

Let him say he's going to take you to court, smile and walk away!

1 - he will have luck getting a solicitor to see him next week! Who will then only send a letter requesting it if he does it ofc then all you do is reply saying he had agree earlier in the year and you've made plans. Next year is his year with ds and that is the end of the matter. That letter will cost him at least £250 If he keeps pushing he'll have to apply to mediation which cost more money! By then Christmas will of been over! To get a court date you'll talking MONTHS before they get one for you and even then! When you turn up saying he has him weekends/one day in the week and alternative holidays they won't make an order!

He is a bully! he's doing this because he thinks he'll let you walk all over him! if he's not paying CM then you need to get evidence of his earnings flats he owns, with rental prices, cars he owns etc and submit it! you can also apply for that through court and they can make an order on CM don't let him bully you!

prettywhiteguitar · 06/12/2014 11:44

He's stalking out if his arse. I would ignore his bullying. I would also alter the contact, every weekend is excessive. Change it to every other like every one else.

My ex p managed to bully me for a whole but I had counselling and realised I don't have to do what he wants. It's important for your ds to have family time at home with you at the weekend.

And even if he takes you to court, who is going to enforce it ? Seriously tell him to duck off

prettywhiteguitar · 06/12/2014 11:45

And second everything wrappedinablankie said !

prettywhiteguitar · 06/12/2014 11:46

Whoops talking not stalking !!

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 11:51

thank you, that's good to know! I am worried about the whole court thing as I cannot afford it. I pay the bills (just) and have little left so any legal costs to me would cripple me. would any of this incur a cost to me?

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 06/12/2014 11:52

He most certainly is a bully. About time you put your foot down isn't it?

First of all you need to apply to CMS for maintenance and secondly you need to make him pick up and drop off. Why are you doing the journey??

And he can have him every other w/e - every weekend is far too much.

Isetan · 06/12/2014 11:53

He has your child every Friday and Saturday and you travel 40 miles every week to collect him, wow! EOW would be the norm even if there wasn't the distance. The beauty of threatening court is that it puts the fear of God into you and he doesn't have to put his hand in his pocket for that privilege.

You might have to concede alternating Christmas but I would change contact to EOW and if he doesn't like it he can take you to court. You know him better than me but the 'I'll take you to court' is an often used stick bullies use to get their way, minimum effort for maximum affect.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 11:55

and would I be totally unreasonable to keep quiet about the Christmas show? I know it's wrong, however he bullies me consistently, well, tries to, so I struggle to want to tell him things like this

but he will probably have guessed there will be a show, and ds will no doubt mention to him that he was snowman Grin so I'd be the bad guy wouldn't I. sigh

OP posts:
LineRunner · 06/12/2014 12:00

If he does go the court route, you can represent yourself, as you are willing to negotiate on reasonable arrangements.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 12:02

isetan. I don't want to do the weekly trip to collect Sad I work and do all the running about Mon-fri (and work every other Sunday too) and feel that on his time with ds he should do the collecting and dropping off. However I told him that and he didn't pay cm because all that petrol to collect AND drop off was unfair on him and he would have to take that cost from cm Sad Sad Sad Sad but I NEED the cm to pay childminder fees every month, without it I would have no money after bills. so I agreed to do the collecting again. felt like my hands were tied. and I hate it. I've been thinking that when he goes back to work I could go through csa and get cm that way but as he's not working at the moment, the months it would take to get it processed and me being without cm is just not worth the stress Sad

OP posts:
plumquilt · 06/12/2014 12:02

If he went through the court to sort out the Christmas arrangements he'd need to be VERY careful that he didn't come away with less contact overall, as Judges recognise the need for the resident parent to also have quality weekend time with their child. There is every chance this could backfire on him big time, particularly if he shows himself to be controlling.

In any event, the chances of him getting a hearing before Christmas now are slim to none.

juicycelebrity · 06/12/2014 12:03

Are there 2 shows? Could he see one and you see the other?

I second what the others said. Don't swap Christmas and invite him to take you to court. He will then get EOW contact like everyone else. You deserve weekend time too.

juicycelebrity · 06/12/2014 12:05

You work full time too? OMFG. Cancel next weekends contact and let him take you to court. When do you get to spend quality time with your son?

plumquilt · 06/12/2014 12:05

Oh and it wouldn't cost you a penny to go to court, most parents represent themselves these days, Judges are quite used to it since the legal aid cuts. The only way it might cost you is time lost from work.

Part of me, however. thinks you should take HIM to court as the current arrangements really aren't fair or child-centred. It would cost about £215 to make an application - you'd need to fill out a C100 for what we call a 'Child Arrangements Order' now as opposed to 'Contact' or 'Residence'.

Patchworkqueen · 06/12/2014 12:19

but he must have a self employed income? Yes you have to pursue maintenance and through the correct channels, stop letting him blackmail you with money, and access, and transport, etc.....

NewNamePlease · 06/12/2014 12:29

I think you need to write him a serious emotionless email/letter. Don't bring up the past but talk exclusively about the present. Is he paying CSA amount of maintenance? Outline all the costs of caring for DS including heating/food/CM/clothes etc. Point out that you are getting the crap end of the seat, all the mid week drudgery and the collecting DS after a fun weekend with daddy only to start the drudgery again.
You have to tell him Xmas this year won't work for you. He agreed to next year and you already have plans for this year.

I do think he has been good to let you have all the Christmases up until now but changing his mind last minute is not on. I think you need to tell him about DSs show, that's just a bit spiteful to hide it from him.

WrappedInABlankie · 06/12/2014 12:32

I'm sorry but you need to put an end to this for yours and your sons sake.

You need to tell him that contact will be every OTHER weekend and a day in the week if he has that already! Tell him and don't ask he WILL be doing the drop offs and pick ups and he needs to start paying CM if he refuses go to the CMS even if it is a hassle you're showing him you're no longer being a walk over and he can't change things that suit him at your expense! If he says he's going to take you to court so "okay then Smile" there is only two things that can happen!

1- He won't take you to court as he's all mouth and wants to scare you and he doesn't want to jump through hoops of mediation which he'll have to pay for, and the fact the judge would take into account YOU NEED time with your son In the mean time change it to eow.

2 - he'll pay the cost for courts and you'll get eow, and he collects drops of anyway! You can't loose and when that order is made you don't have to amend it to suit him as its a legal document you can also ask them to outline holidays as every other year or half Xmas eve to half the Xmas morning one year and Xmas eve and Boxing Day the next!

Don't let him bully you anymore and if you don't want him at the show personally I wouldn't mention it for now and if asked id just say with working full time, no support from you and having to drive 40 miles every week it must of slipped your mind.

Blueskyfluffyclouds · 06/12/2014 12:34

I think it would be of huge benefit to you to go to court, get this all arranged legally and take control back.
This man is a bully and also full of shit.
He does not get to dictate the terms of contact, these should be agreed between yourselves. You may have to alternate Christmases with him unless he's an unfit parent.
Him havig your son every single weekend is too much, you should alternate and maybe he could take him for tea or overnight one night a week if he's able to do the travelling.
Also try and arrange a halfway point for drops offs and pick ups, you should not be doing the whole trip.
Go to the csa, getnthenmoney your child is entitled to.

RandomMess · 06/12/2014 12:34

Just stop doing anything, let him take you to court.

He can't continue to have him every weekend - what happens when he starts school, how are you going to have any quality time with him?

toothachereturns · 06/12/2014 12:35

Hes an arse. It would never get to court unless he accused you of being unfit in some way. Do your have access arrangements clearly outlined in a document? If not... you should get that ASAP.
Don't talk to him when you collect your Ds. Just be polite and leave. Then I suggest a mediator. He won't be allowed to bully you in front of a mediator. Tell him all access arrangements will be agreed thru the mediator, documented and only changed thru mutual agreement (and also thru a mediator). I'd keep this up until he realises he is not in control of you anymore.

JustSpeakSense · 06/12/2014 12:40

He should not be having your DS every weekend.

He should be transporting your DS himself.

He should be paying you CM.

You should be welcoming court action!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 06/12/2014 12:53

He'd get a shock if he did contact a solicitor! EOW and a night in the week is the norm. Alternate Christmasses/Boxing Day is fair too - but I think you've agreed he can have him next year? So not a problem. He shouldn't be having every weekend - a court will say the mother has a right to weekend time as well.

I would deny him contact the weekend before Christmas, on the grounds that you fear he will not be returned to you as previously agreed. A friend of mine has been through this too - and he soon found he didn't have a leg to stand on. Call his bluff.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:15

the thing is, the one time I said no to doing the collecting, he didnt bring ds back! ds had a dentist appointment which he knew about. he would simply keep him until I came to collect, he doesn't have work to go to so no problem there. and he would immediately stop paying cm when I stop collecting (he currently pays monthly, but only because I collect)

However if he doesn't pay, and yes I know this is wrong as ds is not pay per view, but I would have to cease all contact with him, as i would barely be able to pay childminder to work, which he knows fine well, and would be putting me in that position intentionally. so I would struggle to want to answer the door to him when he did come to collect ds

this is such a mess Sad

he has always also claimed he wants ds 50/50 and I think he would definitely fight for that. is that something he could get?

if I say to him he can only have him eow he will also no doubt stop paying cm so I can't win.

if it went to mediation, would that be of any cost to me? he is using cm to have power over me Sad I feel so stupid

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 06/12/2014 13:18

why won't you go to CMS?

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