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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

exp is taking me to court....again

249 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 10:51

..or so he keeps saying Angry

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him Sad he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa Hmm ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not Shock and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 08/01/2015 20:35

you have no idea how much these posts have helped me. had a horrible 13hr shift yesterday but went to bed very happy after reading those posts Smile

the lawyer I saw today knows how the judges at my local court tend to operate and said it is more than likely it will be agreed that exp gets ds every other weekend then for a few hours on a weeknight the following week. they tend to order that Christmas day is spent with the mother and boxing day and after with the father, they prefer that year in/year out instead of swapping every other year, which is positive news for me Smile feeling pretty good now. why didn't I do this a long time ago? Grin

my mindset is slowly but surely changing. he is not the master of the universe, he is just a shitty ex...I love this! Grin

OP posts:
newyear15 · 08/01/2015 20:53

Fabulous update - well done. I bet you felt utterly vindicated after seeing the solicitor. I know we had all told you similar, but to have a professional agreeing with you and fighting your corner - well, is priceless.

What are you doing about replying to his email? Ask for mediation or ignore? Or is your solicitor going to write to him in reply?

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 08/01/2015 22:28

it's a great feeling. my lawyer will reply to his lawyer and then we'll see what happens

exp has no contact with his dad and stepmum. I still meet up with them regularly so they have a relationship with DS. after telling them the whole sorry story, they told me a few things about him too that happened year's ago. exp threatened them in saying that he would go to the papers if THEY did not do x y or z Shock (he was of course at it, no paper would be interested in his 'story')

he definitely has not declared his rental flats so does not pay income tax for them, and a few other bits of information, he hasn't chosen to stop working like he told me so, he got laid off and is currently going through a tribunal, and the lawyer who has sent me the letter is actually an old friend of his. the plot thickens, I always thought he enjoyed drama, my thoughts have been confirmed, and he truly is an absolute wan**r!

OP posts:
newyear15 · 09/01/2015 09:46

He most certainly is.

Will you report him to HMRC please? And poss the council too. Are the flats registers as multiple occupation?

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 09/01/2015 11:33

I've informed hmrc already and I'll phone the council today. yes they're all multiple residency, each has 3 rooms but his dad and stepmum know he had four people staying in a few of the flats at one time. what a chancer !

OP posts:
newyear15 · 09/01/2015 11:36

He sounds awful. Thank goodness you are no longer with him.

Have you applied for child maintenance yet?

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 09/01/2015 11:41

yes I've done that but will take a few weeks to process and may well get nothing but I'll fight for it

OP posts:
newyear15 · 09/01/2015 12:04

good for you. I bet you feel 100 times better.

NettleTea · 09/01/2015 14:05

I got to the point that I would rather have next to nothing, that he would be FORCED to pay by someone in authority, than a promise of more that would be dependent upon his whims and used as a tool to bully me with

wallypops · 09/01/2015 14:52

Ok just to be clear about these things - you are must always pla the long game. It has taken me 7 years of being reasonable to get where I am - my kids now see their dads in a contact centre for 2 hours every other Sunday. He tried for 50/50 after a year and was laughed out of court.

He has taken me back to court 3 times, and has never got what he wants.

Honestly a good lawyer is worth it, but if you really don't feel you can afford it don't worry - it should never stop you from doing something about it. The courts are surprisingly human places.

clairemarie5 · 13/01/2015 10:22

Let him take you to court the cheeky bstard! He gets your son EVERY weekend for 2 nights, that's more than a judge would give him anyway! My child has always stayed out 1 night per weekend since birth and even that's been a trauma for me up until recently when I've finally got used to it, so hats off to you for handling 2 nights , even though I know you probably hate it. He is a bully like everyone else has said, he's a pig who thinks he has some right to tell you what to do because you're a little woman and he's a big strong man, or so he thinks, he's a boy who uses intimidation to get what he wants just like a playground bully. The first thing you need to do is tell him a straight out NO to things that you don't agree with, you are his mum and he lives with you so basically unless there is a court order, everything is up to you! Don't let this twt rule you and tell you when he is taking your son like you're just some sort of baby sitter. Let him take you to court and see how happy he is when the judge turns him down! Ooh I'm fuming for you.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/01/2015 12:56

Well that's it, looks like I'm going to court Sad

my lawyer wrote to his offering every other weekend plus a day throughout the week, half school holidays etc etc. and it was outright declined. instead he has offered that he has DS every weekend. from Fri 4pm-Sun. 6pm then the following weekend from 1pm on Saturday til 8am Monday. and that I will be doing one drop of every weekend, so pretty much the same as before then, not much difference Hmm

can't help but feel like this is going to consume my life over the next few weeks/months. but then I read this thread again and feel a bit of hope.

could really do without all this crap.

DS has yet to notice that he hasn't seen his dad for a few weeks now, He's not mentioned it once Shock I'm surprised but of course very glad that it's having no effect on him whatsoever. I was thinking of saying something along the lines of 'your daddy loves you and is missing you, but has a tummy bug at the moment, he'll come to see you when he's all better'.... but no, nothing Smile he still mentions him sometimes ie my daddy has a jacket like that, but then talks about something else. exp seems to think that this is causing significant distress to ds however. which I will pass on to my lawyer that it in fact isn't, at all.

in the meamtime though, if I am withholding access, it'll make me look bad, or will it? wandering whether I should offer access anyway (on my terms though)

OP posts:
newyear15 · 16/01/2015 12:59

Has his solicitor said court or just demanded those access times?

Miggsie · 16/01/2015 13:05

Talk to your solicitor again - even if you go to court you are likely to get the standard settlement that someone mentioned above - if he is trying to use court to intimidate you, call his bluff and say "fine".

At the end of the day if he makes a massive fuss the courts will get pissed off and be less generous to him.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/01/2015 13:06

it said if I don't agree to his offer then it will go to court

I'm not agreeing to it of course, I want and need weekend time with my lovely DS.

it also said I have sought to exclude exp from all decisions relating to ds education, health and welfare Confused umm..no I haven't. he will not settle for DS going to the school closest to him because it is not a private fee paying school. argh!!

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/01/2015 13:08

the solicitors are closed now for an hour so will hopefully be able to talk to them soon. this is a nightmare

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/01/2015 13:09

Nah I don't think he's bluffing anymore. he will pay to take me to court to get what he wants (or so he thinks)

OP posts:
newyear15 · 16/01/2015 13:14

Let it go to court then. He won't get every weekend. Him using the court to try and bully you is just horrid.

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2015 14:02

I have logged on especially to write you a message :}
It will be ok.
I have been on the recieving end of bullying behaviour and its horrible but the other ladies on here are right. Treat them as the rantings of a bully and someone with a god complex.
Don't react.
Don't let it consume you. Its horribly controlling and it will make you ill. Limit the emails to him to factual and keep them in a seperate folder. If he strays from what you agreed then withdraw and let HIM take you to court and shoulder the burden of the costs.
I have no contact now and its divine. I let the CSA deal with money and I don't respond to anything from him unless its a direct question. If he tries to bully me re contact I just don't answer.
We are all here for you.....

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2015 14:04

I just reread the latest comments. Don't panic just ignore and let it go to court.
You are not under any obligation to reply.......... let him stew.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/01/2015 14:54

thank you wannabeSmile

that's what I need to keep telling myself, they are just rantings of a bully. he definitely had a god complex and sees himself as gods gift! (especially to women)

you're right, I'll let him stew. I got the email this morning at 11:45 and it stated that they want a reply by midday Confused perhaps his lawyer is on the same planet as him

but I have offered access, on Tuesday. he is welcome to see ds then and if he chooses not to as he has refused my offerings of contact then that is his problem.

thank you again Smile

OP posts:
CruCru · 16/01/2015 18:35

I agree. Let it go to court. Courts see this sort of nonsense all the time.

rumbleinthrjungle · 16/01/2015 21:31

You have supported a high level of contact at inconvenience to yourself - you only ceased it after he began to play games, tried to withhold your son against agreements and threatened not to return him. And is still threatening to withhold financial support for his son if you are not a good girl and let him play with your life and your son's as and when he feels like it. CM is a legal requirement not optional good will, and messing with agreed contact during contact is not in his son's interests. You are not being unreasonable at all. This needs to go to court and he can try playing his games with them.

RandomMess · 16/01/2015 21:37

I think the bottom line is you won't end up worse off than what you have been doing, so you have nothing to lose.

Save yourself money by self representing.

I can't think of the name of it but you need to be an order so that you are the resident parent and get the police involved if he fails to return him as per the contact arrangements.

Flowers
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