exp is taking me to court....again

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

..or so he keeps saying

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement

No he isn't a great dad.
Great dads don't threaten the mother of their child.
Great dads don't threaten to cut off money to support their child when having a tantrum
Great dads don't threaten to not return child to their mum because of pathetic, spiteful reasons to get a the mother of his child.

The moving away thing is personal opinion and not a legally prescribed thing.

A court would look at his reasons for wanting you to and yours for not wanting to then decide

thank you castlemilk...I used to work there

feeling a bit stronger about this now, thank you everyone. I will go up to collect him tomorrow and when he brings up the situation of Christmas I'll tell him no and that if he wants to go to court about it then fine

but I will wait another week until I mention the no longer collecting ds. as he is due to pay cm on the 14th which he won't do if I refuse to collect next week and then I will really struggle financially.

no I'm not entitled to anything anymore as I have just moved in with dp, who earns 25k( before tax) , but we do still struggle as his wage plus my meagre income of about 650pm does not go far

I have exams coming up also, over the next two months I have 5. so could really do without this, aaarrgh!!

also....his sister and brother and law are both lawyers. which he used to enjoy reminding me of not sure whether they are family lawyers but he would probau use them and possibly have no costs?

one more question if someone who knows could answer please, re mediation, is that something he would need to apply for? would he have to pay for that and would I have to pay towards that also?

It frankly sounds like going to court would be a good thing, as you would then have a clear and enforceable division of responsibilities.

Right now he bullies you into getting everything as suits him: he gets weekends, has you do all the driving and most of the financial outlay… I think you should welcome the legal route, frankly.

Mediation he would apply for as he is the parent seeking court arrangements and he can't get to court without it. It might not be the same for all mediation centres but mine the person who applies pays the cost of it and it's about £150 per 30-60 minute session and you'll need at least 2.

If his family aren't family law solicitors they can't help as family law is something entirely different. And RULE 4-1.7 CONFLICT OF INTEREST; GENERAL RULE
(a) Representing Adverse Interests. A lawyer shall not represent a client if the representation of that client will be directly adverse to the interests of another client, unless:

(1) the lawyer reasonably believes the representation will not adversely affect the lawyer's responsibilities to and relationship with the other client; and

(2) each client consents after consultation.

So no as it would adverse the interest of you and his view would be skewed same as doctors can't treat family it affects their judgement

Would it be worth waiting until after the 14th to say about Christmas as well, as he might also use that against you then not pay the childminder? Just try and be as non-commital as possible if he brings it up, say you're still considering things or making plans as to how it will work. I get that you need him to pay the bill this month, but once done, I would then start afresh, stop letting him bully you, and tell him to take you to court for any contact.

You have been more than reasonable, you can prove that.

As an aside, do you know his national insurance number? All HMRC need is a name and national insurance number (I'm sure they could do it without, but would be easier with), and they can go back 20 years checking taxes etc.

ilovefluffysheep - yes absolutely, I swear he is looking for any excuse sometimes to stop payments. he thoroughly grudges cm. I think I'll do that, even though I'll feel stupid and like a walk over as I say it.

unfortunately I don't know his national insurance. hopefully his name, dob and address will be suffice couls also give them his previous job title and company name and address that he worked for though if it was of any use

thank you wrappedinablankie that's very helpful to know

I really wouldn't be dropping off, if he wants contact he can use his legs. Ds's dad drives the 45min drive every other weekend. It has never been discussed that I ever drop him off because I am the resident parent and do most of the child rearing. Your ex is getting off extremely lightly and I expect his siblings recognise that and probably think he's walking all over you !

Time to put your foot down

Ringing the police will be worthless if he is named on the bc and there is no court judgement in place.

I'm not sure about this, maybe someone can confirm - but I thought that if a non-resident parent refused to return a child after normal contact, the usual thing to happen is that the resident parent would request an emergency hearing for a residency order? - which they would then get, as the normal residency situation would be upheld?

If OP ended up having to do that, firstly - she'd then have residency, and secondly, it wouldn't do any future court cases any good from his point of view!

Maybe look that up and inform him of the procedure if it's the case that he has to go for contact before Christmas after you've told him he can't have him for Christmas Day, OP. ie warn him that any refusal to return would mean an emergency hearing and you certainly WOULD get him back before Christmas.

However, I don't think I'd be letting him go there the actual weekend before Christmas Day, just in case. Unfair? No, if you think there's a possibility he may not return him and cause him immense distress over Christmas as a result - with no court order in place, you keep him home if you think it's in his best interests.

thanks, yeah he's on the birth certificate. someone mentioned downthread about getting an emergency court application if that happened, which I guess would be the best option, I'm clueless

Have a chat with these people

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=contact_us

Free legal advice from a reputable source.

In essence yes that is what you do but they can tell you exactly how

I have read through the whole thread..Yes get the payment on the 14ththis will get you through Christmas...

Why does your DP only bring home £650 when he earns 25k ?

Are you doing drop off's as well as collection?

I agree Womens aid can be really helpful... You have nothing to lose here..You barely see your child, never mind when he goes to school. He threatens you.

Maje handover as brief as possible and no I wouldn't be telling him about DS concert... Enjoy something yourself ..He is taking so much from you already.

My ex threatened me with court a few times each time I backed down in the end I decided for different reasons to yours. It was the best thing to do. He actually withdrew from court case and never heard of since.. this was just before legal aid finished for the masses. He had threatened it before. I think he expected me to cave and just give him what he wanted.

Good luck

Tell him that you feel that going to court would benefit everyone as EOW is the norm for most parents. He needs to do a bit more travelling to and from getting your son as you cannot afford the petrol

Re DS play... he is perfectly ably to ask the school for the information himself. If he can't be bothered to ask, or have them send info to him too, then I wouldn't bother telling him.

If he kicks off... I would ask him how you were supposed to know he didn't know. Are you now supposed to ask if he knows every little thing because that's just ridiculous. If he want to to know things he can ask the school.

Also, I would try and get the arrangements made official. He can't keep threatening you then.

Out of interest because im not in the UK, how will anyone know you're the main parent. Couldn't he, in theory, keep your son whenever he wants? If so, I'd welcome court so you can get this sorted officially and stop listening to his blackmail

Our court order listed very specific contact arrangements eg exact time for handovers. A court order would specify transport arrangements, taking into account your incomes and time constraints re he is not working and you are working f/t yet you are doing all the transport.

Agree contact is usually every other w/e. Also agree you have all the power here and you should be welcoming with open arms any legal intervention.

You haven't answered suggestions to contact women's aid. You do know they're there for precisely your situation? Please contact them asap, they are the experts and will give you all the practical and emotional support you need.

It sounds like you still feel he holds all the cards and you're running scared - probably because he has thoroughly terrorised you and you believe he has all the power. He really really doesn't!

Do write up a diary of events eg the threats he has made and his behaviour. He is NOT a good dad btw. Good dads don't torture their dc's mother. You also haven't responded to suggestions you do the Freedom Programme - please do it! You will quickly see how he terrorises you and how little power he actually has.

I do so hope he gets done for not declaring his rental income. He's a nasty little bully and I hope he gets his comeuppance.

Some of the advice on here is totally at odds with my own experience in the family courts and the advice I have received from my legal team incl barristers. The cost of mediation is usually split evenly. Any reference to abuse needs to be independently noted - my ex is financially and emotionally abusing me even now. No one gives a stuff as there was never physical or sexual abuse and it was not reported to the police.

The Freedom programme is very limited where it runs - my nearest one this year was over an hour away. Apparently there may be a course more locally to be run some time next year.

If you both have parental responsibility (PR) - then informal contact arrangements can be very difficult to enforce. I had a very big issue earlier this year when ex refused to return DS despite emails (it was not a long period of time). There was no point calling the police (until ex partner assaulted me but that is a different story).

My ex lied to the courts earlier this year and I ended up with orders against me that my barrister didn't seem to be willing or able to stop. incompetent lay magistrates are now hearing some family matters.

My "faith" in the court system has been destroyed - I now totally believe that a bully with money and the determination will be likely to win.

Hi

About his income. HMO flats tend to create a great yield. He hasn't declared his great yield to the tax man. He may not have declared his HMO to the council (he may have lied to you). I am not aware of any way that paye income can be hidden behind his rental income.

His rental income has to be declared to the tax man. They will fine him for witholding tax in previous years.

You don't realise this but you hold many many cards.

You don't need to know the property addresses, they are on his credit file! Hmrc can check with his mortgage lenders which are on his credit file and maybe they are unaware he is renting them out!

He will call your bluff but hmrc will be very very interested.

My ex threatened not to return my DC - only threatened, and I had no evidence of it only my word that he had said it.

I saw a solicitor, who applied for a prohibited steps order. Ex wasn't aware that the order was being made until after it was done (ex-parte I think they called it). It meant that he couldn't take my DC.

It was so easy to do and made me feel more secure. After that he was invited to a residency hearing a few weeks later. He had a solicitor too, and it was only a very short hearing. I was given full residency, and we were advised to go through caffcass to work out access. Ex got bored though as it was costing him a lot of money so didn't bother following it up. Going to court sounds like the best option for you.

Also if he is being watched by the taxman due to non declaration of rental income then he will have to be careful about 'hiding' things.

I am not a solicitor, but surely rental income as declared on his sa302 will count as income for child maintenance purposes. As I said before

His net income could be so low because he asks the tax man to take tax from paye for his rental properties. I bet he didn't tell them he has rented out previously and not declared. Bet he owes em!

Someone mentioned he only gets 650 pm net. He thinks he is very clever. I really haven't got time at the mo to sit and try and work out what yield he may be getting to end up with a net of £650 from an income of £25k but someone else may be kind enough to do so. (Meant to be dressed and leaving my house in 20 mins! Eek). Your situation has struck a chord with me, hence me replying again!

meant profit not yield above. Sorry. Must dash...

The £650 is OP's own income from her job. Her new DP earns £25k. I don't think she knows what her ex's income is from his property