exp is taking me to court....again

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

..or so he keeps saying

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement

I think line runner has it spot on and there are some excellent comments btw.

There are more ways to skin a cat and there's nothing to stop you shooting beneath the bows.

And asking for it to be written into the agreement that ex stays away , is non threatening etc is definitely in that league and I think you pulled a blinder.

Well done.

Who needs hot shot lawyers anyway . If I was a judge that would make me furious especially if there was an honest caring, hardworking woman in front of me fighting for her kids.

Come to think of it there were 4 women in the courtroom. Me, the judge and two female lawyers and him. I'm not saying he didn't have a leg to stand on but he'd lied, prevaricated, had a few goes at his solicitor( I saw one of the emails) and came armed to the teeth with a massive file of papers, when he thought he was going to have time to read them I don't know.

I think he thought he was perry mason. He jabbered to his poor solicitor the whole time who was jumping up and down like a Yorkshire terrier while mine just sat back and let it evolve. Every time the judge asked her If she had any questions she would say no mam. I'd be thinking , get up there and slay the beast but in the end quiet dignity, truth and honesty won. This was over the financial bit btw

Horrible scenario but it took me till about five years for the dust to settle to realise I did all right and he just tied himself up in knots with his lies.

The two solicitors meet the judge in private. You have no idea what is being said but I hope it goes something like this

His solicitor..What are we going to do with this lying toe rag, more tea ma'am?

Mine...I know, he's a right piece of work isn't he, couldn't lie straight in bed

Judge...I'll work something out. Got to be seen to Be fair though. However I'll give him the bare minimum. Poor woman. How on earth did she put up with that for thirty year. Is that chocolate hob nob going spare.....?

Also, do you or him drink much alcohol? If he drinks to the level of binge drinking (I'm hoping he's not teetotal! ) even if he's not with DS, you can ask for a hair strand test to be ordered..

There's a longrunning thread on here somewhere and the OP got shafted by a female judge. As did I - big time. So it doesn't always work out that a female judge is going to see the wood for the trees.

hence why you need to be CANNY, op. If you have to look like the poor little match girl then go for that image. The poor little match girl up against the big bad wolfy rich guy who is dodging tax. Anyway, you're going to have to channel rebecca brookes and wear a peter pan collar in court to look like sugar wouldn't melt.

Sexist as well as classist, the courts.

*butter!

to try to answer some questions...nothing on my medical history other than psoriasis (which each time I talk to him gets bloody worse!) and no I barely drink.

not sure of his medical history but one of his parents has schizophrenia and bipolar, so he could potentially also? but I very much doubt it, although he's definitely a narc! going to meet him at 6pm to get DS, will see how that goes

Not saying that all female judges find for the wife , there are good male ones too. I just hope that when they get behind closed doors they weigh everything up and hopefully find for the one who has tried to play ball.

I'm sorry that it didnt work for you.

That's great re: your medical history. And a big plus you don't drink. Sorry about the psoriasis though, sounds rotten for you. Cafcass will write a report for court after they visit both of you (at home I think). Definitely mention the bipolar and scizophrenia, that a huge plus in your favour as you could argue DS will be spending time/exposed to them? It's dirty, but if you want to win, you need to use everything you can to your advantage.

Yes, you have to play dirty/mean/spiteful - though it mustn't look like that. You must look genuinely concerned. Obviously, your concern is first and foremost for your son - don't even mention any concerns you have for yourself.

You have to play dirty because he's playing dirty. I remember the days when I thought goodness would win out in the end. I was totally shafted. Shocking.

He's got you where he wants you because of the money, yes? Can you look at living without that money. This is why I mentioned not living with dp for the timebeing and then perhaps going on benefits to pump up your income.

Needs must! Think of any and every way to jig things about for you. He has! eg giving up his job and going underground (or so he thinks).

Springy is absolutely spot on OP; it's mastering the genuine concern and not looking like you're trying to score points, that's key, but I'm sure you can do it. Also agree with Springy that nice and goodness won't cut it, dirty is unfortunately the only way, so keep good notes with dates and rack your brain for anything else you can use..
Things like not bringing your DS back when he should have will look bad in court.

That's not to say benefits will pump up your income of course!! I mean, perhaps, going p/t so childcare costs are lower, or stopping work so there are no childcare costs - perhaps do voluntary work to keep your CV - and mind! - healthy. You will also be spending significant time with your son, which is what you need at the moment, I think, to ensure bully boy doesn't have a good claim for custody (or whatever they call it now).

yy drastic but you're facing a drastic situation and you have to drastically change things for the timebeing...

I Can't see how they could agree 50/50 care due to distance...How could school possibly work.

He won't want 50:50 as he would then have to do the patenting during the week.
I think you have to be stronger and stand up to him. Otherwise it will be like this for years and years to come. Is that what you really want for your dc?
I'm trying not to sound harsh and I know how hard it is but I think you have to have faith in the system and make the stand. Good luck

If he's got npd traits or is abusive he should not be having contact with your son. Emotionally abusive men simply go on to abuse their children. He's already financially abusing you both and threats to keep him are further abuse. Men who are tight will not spend thousands on court.Men who won't make the effort to pick up and drop off won't suddenly be happy suddenly doing so. If he was going to use the courts he would have. It's a fear strategy and it works. He gets his son delivered and picked up. Will he really do pick ups and drop offs ? He sounds a lazy bastard. Make him work for it.

You need a solid plan and you'll need to be willing to not play by the rules. Don't subject your little son to this bully. This is what I would do.

Contact women's aid to get on going support and info.
Contact csa
Familiarize yourself with the court procedure so you are no longer afraid of it.
I would state the drop offs are over.
My son would be ill over Christmas and I would have a veiw to get him out of his life.
I would buy the book divorce poison. In fact I have a copy and would happily send it to you
In response to court threats I would allude to moving very far away.

Despite your fear of court there's really not much they can really do. Has anyone ever really gone to prison for not sticking to a contact order? . I know plenty of men who can't enforce a contact order . Check out families need fathers to see the reality.And courts can't order you to drop off. You don't have a car anymore. Register it to your parents. Besides , your scared of him and fear an assault.

Never mind what he has on you , what do you have on him ? Next time he threatens threaten him back 're his tax. Do a land registry search to see what he owns. Ask if his girlfriend knows he regularly trys it on with you and is she aware he refers to her by a derogatory name.

all very good advice hats off to all you mumsnetters.

I collected DS earlier and DP was with me at the time. exp said nothing! I couldn't believe it! not like him at all, very strange behaviour but all of course because DP there, I normally collect DS myself, very rarely does DP come with me.

just goes to show how much of a little weasel exp is, scared to say anything to me if I'm not on my own..Ha!

if he wasn't there, I could guarantee exp would've gave me shit about Christmas day without DS, and more threats of court action. next week however will be different, but he'll be told to eff off

The glorious BBB may disagree with me here but in my extensive experience, I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. The simple reason is these nasty sorts plumb the depths with nastiness - there is no low they wouldn't go to win. So don't think it's a fair fight because it won't be unless you're BBB

If, like me, you're a 'good' sort, you just won't be able to come up with nastiness to trump his. Better to be working away on 'nastiness' in the background. Pretend you're in court and be all mildness and reasonableness re 'ds is ill and can't come for christmas. We'll see how he is on nye'. Repeat. Keep moving the goalposts. Telling him to fuck off is throwing down the gauntlet imo - believe me, he'll take the challenge. He'll probably enjoy it.

You could, however, say mildly and reasonably something about his properties and tax. Practise taking the emotion out of it, like a statement. In passing.

Put the fear of god into him.

How assertive is your dp ?

Can you arrange for him to come with you next week and do the talking in a loud assertive manner ? Is his girlfriend usually there ?

Ie , Hi little weasel , the transport situation is changing as of next week. As you know tether and I have now moved in together so I'm not happy for tether to be used as a free taxi. Also I'm not happy about some of the inappropriate conversations you've been having with tether. The sexual issues between you and girlfriend and not our concern and make tether uncomfortable so this is going to stop. You will need to pick son up early at x time next week as were going away for the weekend. Big wink. Glad we cleared that up. Seeya.

Pinch tethers bum. Walk away. Get in car. Laugh till your face hurts.

hi ballerina. unfortunately dp is unable to come with me tomorrow to coleect ds.

however exp emailed me today to say that he will be collecting ds at 3pm on Christmas eve. Obviously that won't be happening however I'm going to act dumb and say I haven't checked my emails in a few days as tomorrow is the 14th, when he is due to pay cm and knowing him I think he will refuse to pay it unless I agree to that. so may even go as far as to say yeah sure, ok! to his face if needs be, to ensure I receive cm, but will play it by ear tomorrow (and will no doubt be in need of mumsnets support if he plays that nasty trick again)

collect*

and sometimes his (extremely young-albeit very nice) girlfriend comes along with him, but not very often as she works a few hundred miles away from him

Poor cow to end up with a cunt like him.

He obviously goes for lovely women. Shame he's such a turd.

Good plan batgirl! Get the bastard

yeah she has noooo idea, poor girl.

I will springy

He vannot have it both ways.either he says to csa he has no income (I am sure hmrc would be interested) OR he has the means to support his child if he goes to court.

The courts would award 50/50 anyway but they certainly won't if he has no job and no income.

Give him enough rope, he'll hang himself.

Worse case scenario he ends up with 50/50 - well that would mean you get all the weekends and school holidays...

However that is very unlikely as you have been his primary carer for years!!

It is in DS interests that he spends weekend time with you as well as his dad and you can use impending starting school as the reason as to why contact needs to change. As the ex doesn't work he clearly has the time to travel down to collect him from nursery mid week and spend quality time with him them as well as EOW

Be brave. I would suggest following next weekend after you collect ds is your time to announce in writing to your ex that you've decided EOW and Christmas doesn't work for you and DS anymore so next contact will be 3rd & 4th of Jan and you are no longer sharing the travelling. I would then not SPEAK to your ex at all so all his threats etc will have to be via text or email. If you changed your main mobile number at this point it could be a good idea!

Sorry haven't read all posts but please don't worry about having to pay courts/mediation. I've been through court and never paid a penny...I represented myself but when I say represented, I just said the facts. Dd's father had solicitor I believe because he had needed help to 'create' his story/justify the action. When it comes to court it's all just black and white children have right to contact and that's that. I was always ok with this fact so when the inevitable was ordered I just laughed at the fact ex had spent however much getting to the same point he already had....Difference was he felt he was in control and this is what bullies do.

It actually annoys me when solicitors take on cases (obviously apart from DV/abuse issues) when there it's simply a case of someone just wanting contact 'their' way. It's just an easy money maker for them but of course this is the system...

Oh and then they still have the audacity to call it 'in the best interests of the child' when you, as a lone parent, have been doing that from day 1 not just picking and choosing when suits. It's pretty insulting to the child I feel when everything is reduced to court. I accepted the situation by simply viewing it as Ex's 'show' which he had to perform to justify his complete ineptness. It got me through...Good luck!