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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

exp is taking me to court....again

249 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 10:51

..or so he keeps saying Angry

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him Sad he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa Hmm ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not Shock and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:20

a few months ago I had a thread on here (in chat) about the drop off/collecting. most people thought I would be unreasonable to not do at least one drop off or collection. a lot didn't mind you. but that swayed me to continue it (grudgingly)

if I was in a position where I had more money, it wouldn't be a problem, I would've said fine, stop cm and I will get it through csa, but i unfortunately really depends on it to pay the childcare bill and a few months without it would put me in debt

OP posts:
toothachereturns · 06/12/2014 13:23

Has he ever actually taken you to court?
Call his bluff. Have I mentioned he's an arse?Wink

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:23

it's not that I wouldn't ever go to cms, but he has admitted to my face that he would dodge the letters, and would try to conceal his earnings through rent income. so I worry I would get nothing and be in an even worse situation financially than what I am now.

but I know I need to regardless Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:23

no he hasn't tothe

OP posts:
toothachereturns · 06/12/2014 13:24

His rental income should be declared to the tax man..... If it isn't. .. well he's potentially got bigger problems than maintenance payments to worry about!

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:26

I know that he wasn't declaring it when I first met him. something about not having an hmo licence for his flats. but now claims he has declared them

OP posts:
toothachereturns · 06/12/2014 13:26

Do you have anyone else who could help drop off and collection? I think the less contact he's allowed with you where he can chuck his weight around the better.

Totesnamechanged · 06/12/2014 13:28

Ring your local women's aid, ask them if they can recommend a local solicitor who can give you some advice.

I did and it's the best thing I've ever do ex
Ex was EXACTLY like yours, he tried to bully me on a daily basis and I was scared of rocking the boat.

We ended up at court and his shitty behaviour soon stopped, he may well try to bully you but he won't be able to bully 2x solicitors and a judge.
Stop responding to him immediately, smile and ignore during hangovers.

I was in your shoes a year ago and now im not, get tough now and I promise things will improve

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:28

I'm going to have to prepare myself for a tough few months ahead aren't I. with no cm to help pay childcare, and the stress of him never actually returning ds as he thinks have to drop off AND collect is well and truly over and above his responsibility

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2014 13:29

At present he is saying jump and you are saying how high. The power and control he has over you still is frightening. He uses control and threats of 50/50 to get back at you; he knows all too well how to hurt you the most and he will use your child to do that,

This man is an appalling role model to his child and he is dodging out of paying for said child as well. He certainly does not have his child's best interests at heart.

No man is above the law here and you need to get tough with him via both the courts and the Child Support agency. Its the only way forward; such men like your ex have only ever thought of themselves and he is still doing that now. He does not care who he hurts in the process and that includes his child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2014 13:30

Totes's suggestion to phone Womens Aid is definitely an excellent one. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:31

would a judge in court, if it went that far, order that he does the pick ups and drop offs? it's a 45 minute drive from his to mine

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 06/12/2014 13:31

so you need to report him to the council about HMO, HMRC for tax avoidance and CMS for maintenance and Women's Aid and the freedom programme for yourself.

Patchworkqueen · 06/12/2014 13:32

a judge would not order you to pick up and drop off - no.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:33

although..I don't know any of the addresses of the flats he rents out, so would be hard to prove

OP posts:
WrappedInABlankie · 06/12/2014 13:34

If you have evidence that he hasn't returned ds once. I'd tell him he has to return ds if he ever tries a stunt like that again you go to court that day and file an emergency application on the basis he's refusing to return him, it can then be ordered your ds will be returned and police help with this and will state he is to reside with you! The courts won't even entertain his reason of he can't due to CM etc.

WrappedInABlankie · 06/12/2014 13:35

The parent seeking contact collects and returns unless you ever move then it will be half way

Totesnamechanged · 06/12/2014 13:38

Advice about him now returning ds is also excellent.

My ex tried this trick also, via text message so I had evidence. My solicitor took this very seriously, as did cafcass and the judge.
I was able to get an ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order.
It may well get more stressful initially, I won't lie. But in the long term taking action now will improve both your and your ds life no end.

Please pm me if you need a hand hold, I know how tough this is

3teenageboys · 06/12/2014 13:43

Oh my goodness, please listen to the knowledge and advice that is being given to you. You poor young mum, your not living a quality of life your just existing. He is a totally nasty, manipulating fuckwit twat that needs to be shown that he is not above the law.
Be strong, you've been naive but no more!! Yes it will be difficult in the short-term, but long-term your quality of life will be so much better.
What an evil little shit

JamaicanMeEatMincePies · 06/12/2014 13:45

All of the above, but just wanted to point out wrt the show- he is also the parent here and, assuming he knows which school ds goes to, is perfectly capable of finding out these things himself if he is actually bothered about going. So no, it is not your responsibility to tell him and if he asks you, don't lie and say you forgot, just tell him straight that you are not a messenger and if he wants to know about school events he can call them and ask. My exh was told to go shove it up his arse when he suggested I should be telling him about important events in his own dcs lives, I am not his mum nor am I willing to be his personal calendar Grin

Castlemilk · 06/12/2014 13:46

So you're actually in an even stronger position, because the next time he jeers 'Right, go to CMS, I'll conceal my earnings' you reply 'Ooh, good point! I suppose the first thing I should do is go to HMRC with details of your properties, how long you've owned and rented them out, and check that you're all registered for tax...'

You have a LOT of power in this situation...

... not to bully this guy in return, but to use THE LAW to make a fair financial and contact plan for you, your ex and your DS. Instead of one where your DS gets no quality time with you, learns that his dad is a bully, and has less disposable income supporting him because his dad is a nasty piece of work.

I would send a letter or email pointing out that the normal pattern of contact is every other weekend, so that the child gets quality time with both parents. He wants that for his son in order for him to have maximum happiness, yes? Of course he does. Every other weekend it is then. Next thing, maintenance. The current situation is not working, not least because you fear that when his son is older, he will end up realising that his dad did not fairly support him and used money to bully his mum. That could be disastrous for their relationship. So to ensure all is fair, you will be going to CMS, unless he is willing to be fair and just about a private arrangement. (You regret that in advance of CMS claim, you will have to make enquiries with HMRC, as you of course want to know that you are correct in your estimation of his earnings :) - you will of course make no reference to his stating that he will hide income, as you're sure he didn't mean something so potentially disastrous, in his position as a parent possibly off to court soon) As for Christmas, no, this year will not be possible, as he has changed his mind too late - you have plans and it's not fair on your son for these to be disrupted. If he wants to take that to court, you will be delighted, as it will save you the application fee AND you'll be able to get a proper order in place which will define, among MANY other things you will raise, travelling, petrol money and drop-offs/pickups. Happy Christmas, Ex!

You have him over a barrel. You really do. He has NO hold, as taking you to court will honestly be the best thing for you that could happen.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 13:50

thanks wrapped. when ds was first born, I lived in the city where exp lives, just a fifteen minute drive away. being a lone parent and having been dumped, I of course needed to be surrounded by my family so moved back to my hometown when ds was 4months old. would that count as having moved away?

thank you 3teenage, I often think he is downright evil. he has a nice family, (a 22 year old girlfriend which I think speaks volumes-he is 37) and is oh so charming-plus he adores ds and is a great dad to him. he is Jekyll and Hyde!

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 06/12/2014 13:53

You don't need to know the address of any of his lets. You just need his details, even if its just name, address and dob.

Stop letting this thug control you. He has nothing apart from him being a thug. It's not about him. It's about what is best for the child. The child isn't a possession that he can claim when he wants.

Tell him actually, this is how it is going to be -:
Every other weekend.
As agreed, alternative Christmas, and mention what has originally been agreed to. That is as agreed is to start next year. For this year, as agreed, it will be whatever.
All collections to be done by him.
That actually you are fed up of being messed about with regards to CM and having him say he will stop paying it at a drop of a hat. That this money is to provide for the child, so you are making a claim with cms, you are letting him know this as a courtesy.

School holidays he can have 2 weeks in August, and a week in the Easter one.

Do all this in an email to him.

When he comes back to you and tells you that he will take you to court, tell him fine. This is his perogative.

Also are you claiming everything you can? Tax credits, help with childcare costs or childcare vouchers? If low wage, some councils you could get help with housing benefit for your rent. Please do a check with entitledto.

rumbleinthrjungle · 06/12/2014 13:54

In addition to all the above: it is not the resident parent's job to inform the NRP about every day school events. The school will have a website, newsletters, all this stuff is freely available to any interested parent who wants it.

If he wants to go, he can inform himself and make his own arrangements just the same as you do. You're no longer a couple, why would you act as his PA?

For multiple reasons going to court seems like a great idea to me.

rumbleinthrjungle · 06/12/2014 13:56

Sorry, cross post with Jamaican who said it a whole lot better! Grin