exp is taking me to court....again

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

..or so he keeps saying

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement

Russett - good words of wisdom, as I waste yet more time completing my statement for court next year.

:0) tedious isn't it-but as we know everything we do is for our children who we look after 24/7 unconditionally, whatever the order. We also can't control how others choose to parent but I have faith in the fact that my daughter will work it all out and ultimately whatever he chooses to do my relationship with my DD is fab and indeed how fantastic she is is not influenced by him...good luck to you too!

so exp paid cm (phew!) and when I collected ds alone, nothing was said. although he is still sending emails saying yes I am having him on Christmas day despite me saying no, you're not!!

but I am so thankful for this thread...I almost feel like a different person! ready to take him on, it's bizarre, but each time he acts like this I would always end up feeling guilty, and like I was doing something wrong, depriving him of something. and felt incredibly stressed having to text, Email, talk or whatever to him.

now I find him laughable, like I have seen the light and his threats aren't bothering me half as much anymore.

so thank you mumsnetters

Glad he paid up.

I really do think once you're feeling strong enough just state that contact will be EoW from now on and he can have one weekday evening as well but oh yes he needs to do all the travelling from now on

Good for you!

I Think it would be useful to send an email saying 'as previously agreed, DS will spend Christmas with me and come to you next Christmas' so that as others say above, you have a part trail. Glad you're feeling stronger.

Hello again mumsnetters...

I am fuming with exp who threatened do yesterday!

every Sunday when I'm due to collect ds, I text exp no later than midday to let him know what time I will arrive (as it depends whether I've been working that day or not)

so yesterday, as usual I text to say I will collect ds at 4:30pm. the time usually differs from 4:30 til 6:30 but more often than not it's around 5:30 I will get him.

exp replied to say no, and that he will be going to a party which starts at 3:30 so if I collect at 4:30, ds will only have a half hour at the party. if it's of any relevance, exp collected ds from his party at nursery at 11am on the Friday morning. And had also been to another party with exp on the Saturday, as well as another party through the week with me. so I don't think it would've killed DS to miss out on an hour or so of this one, but of course exp wouldn't view it that way which I accept.

anyway I explained to exp that I couldn't hang around for another hour and I would need to get him back at 4:30. (in hindsight perhaps I should've given the reason-which was to get to DPs elderly gran to walk her dog-as she cannot walk-and we specified we would be at hers at 5pm. but knowing exp, he would not have cared in the slightest anyway)

exp replied again saying if you cannot hold off til 5:30, I will drop him with you on the 26th or you can get him later on tonight

aaaaarrrrrggghhhh!!

there was no reasoning with him whatsoever

so dp and me are hanging around in the miserable weather, then spending money we don't really have on food indoors to stay warm (went on the train to collect) then when it gets to 5:30 exp is still nowhere to be seen, and eventually turns up at 6pm

bearing in mind we have still to make a trip to dps gran, then the trip home, make dinner and get ready for work today etc, we were both pretty kissed off at this point.

exp gets out car and immediately says to me, why didn't you let me know that you wanted to collect ds earlier? I said 'I'm here to collect ds, get him for me so I can leave now please'. then he looks at do and says 'what are you staring at?' I tell exp to stop his nonsense, we need to leave! do has said nothing at this point then exp says what!? do you want a fight?

I'm so angry thinking about this.

all started from a lack of communication granted, but still fuming. how dare he!

as he was so inflexible Isms kept mentioning the 'usual agreement' I admittedly said in retaliation, I assume you'll be as keen to stick to the usual agreement for next week(which would usually be Friday at 3:30 but sometimes Saturday morning) although he has already said he will collect ds at 9am boxing day.

I should definitely be emailing him today to say I will no longer be doing any of the collecting anymore, shouldn't I?

dp, not do!

yes of course - let him do the picking up and the dropping off. And you really do need to formalise contact.

Well he's given you the perfect reason to state by email "This arrangement no longer works for me due to the recent difficulties in your facilitating me collecting DS. I am no only prepared to offer you x y z, if you wish to have some alternative arrangement please arrange mediation for us both to attend"

I'd send it as soon as he's dropped your DS off after his Christmas visit. I assume he won't want the inconvenience of having him over New Year

HELP! Exp collected DS yesterday. and has text me to say he will no longer be meeting me at the train station when I come to collect DS and that collection point will now be his flat only.

as I'm able to use dps car tomorrow i replied to say I will collect him tomorrow at 1.

exp has said he will be keeping DS until New year's day!!!! as per my email on 30.11.14.

that has never been the arrangement and he knows it. I need to check the email from that date but I know that's not what I said as I would never go so long without seeing ds. he has deliberately misconstrued my words.

I now have a war on my hands. he will not ba k down and he will not be there at his flat tomorrow

what can I do? someone mentioned upthread about going to court to get residency order ...is that the best option?

Not once was it mentioned that he would have ds from boxing day until New year. no way. he is going to stop me from getting him back

Yes you need to go to court and get a residency order - post in legal to see if there is anything that can be done over the weekend to get it going.

I would email him again asking him clearly - are you refusing to allow me to collect DS at any time on Sunday 28th Dec despite our agreement of xxxxxxx stating that contact with you would be from y until z?

I do wonder if you should go anyway so he cannot say that he waited in and you never showed up?

he's backed down already and said I can collect him, but at 5pm, not 1 like I said. but is now saying he won't be paying cm in January unless I write a cheque for his brother within 7 days.

quick backstory about that...two years ago I had a crack on my windscreen on my car, plus a couple of other things which I couldn't get fixed straight away as I didn't have the cash to do so. exps brother (who is a hell of a lot nicer than exp) came to me in confidence and offered to help pay it for me. I politely declined. but he offered again, and said if I ever change my mind the offer will always be there as he understands how shit my financial situation is. I actually started a thread about this at the time on here asking everyone's opinion on whether they would accept the offer if they were in my position and it was a unanimous yes. his brother and his wife are both in VERY VERY well paid jobs I must add, so it would have been no skin off their back. but exp found out about this and hit the roof. went no contact with his brother for over a month about it etc

anyway I was very grateful for his help, but it was never mentioned that I was to pay back. I did offer and he said no, but now exp is taking it upon himself to collect this 'debt' that I owe! I don't have 300 to give anyone

I'm now kicking myself for not contacting css sooner (doing it now)

I'm fed up with his contestant threats. I feel like I should start throwing some around myself. it would make me as bass as him but I have never once threatened him with anything yet he has done it plenty to me since 2010.

I feel like giving him a taste of his own medecine and saying well if you think it's acceptable to withhold child maintenance, I find it acceptable to cease your contact with DS.

this is all getting ridiculous I know, and so nasty. it's so sad but he finds it ok to use ds as a weapon ('re cm) why shouldn't I

I can't help but feel like this is his revenge for not having DS on Christmas day very well planned out in advance

So you will now go to CMS, and tell your ex he either picks up and drops off at the set times or you will stop contact until it is formalised properly. And do not communicate with him about anything else. Just ignore.

separate the CM issue and the contact, although he is being a twat about that.
I would go to CMS and set the ball rolling on that. Maybe say that his behaviour and blackmailing over CM has led to it, if you want to, or just leave it to them to deal with, but get it done ASAP so he no longer has that over you.
Secondly you could warn him, as a separate issue, that if he continues to mess around with prearranged collections and drop offs (including WHERE he drops off) that you will have no choice but to stop all contact until a court order is put in place to establish firm guidelines. You obviously have all the texts where he chops and changes? In many ways it would be good if he does go to court. sadly I dont think you can take him to make him have contact, but you can force his hand to take you.
you can go and get a residency order though.

I called a solicitor a few weeks ago regarding a residency order and was told they are no longer used, it's a contact arrangement order (I think) now.
Personally I would stop all contact and go through the courts. He really is one cruel bastard to use his own child against you.

excuse the typos in my last post.

I'm so stressed, can't stop crying. not sure what I've do e to deserve this and really wishing I had never met exp. he is incredibly cruel

also feel like I can't talk to dp about any of this he has seen me get so upset so many times over exp behaviour. and then got threatened himself last week so I understand him hating the subject. but each time I get upset he gets annoyed, today we went for a long walk and was of course discussing exp then there at the dinner table asked me to stop talking about it as this is what exp wants and he's winning each time I get upset, which is probably true but I can't help but get upset. and I'm scared that this is going to tear us apart. it will put a huge strain on us financially and I know my stress levels will be through the roof when it comes to court and having to represent myself

I earn barely anything as it is but the cm covered my childminders fees and now I won't have that I will be working 30hrs pw for nothing

dreading 2015 now this is not how I should be feeling

thank goodness for mumsnet, at least I can offload here!

Take a step back. Breathe deeply & slowly xxx(((hug)))))

Your exp is a controlling nasty person intent on controlling both you, your son & those around you. Your DP is right, he still gets 100% attention from you everyday & your not even in a relationship with him!!!
There are some very wise ladies on here who are giving some solid advice. Do yourself a favour , start the legal process. He can't just keep hold of DS.

Your son has an opportunity to live a normal life with you and your Dp. His father will always try to control him as he grows up as that is the type of person he is. While he is with you & Dp he will at least grow up in a stable & loving environment. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE & YOUR SONS. You are wonderful mummy & are trying to appease a nasty piece of crap unworthy of the time you allow him to take from you. You & your son need to look after yourselves.

Would you be able to get an order for harassment against him for constant texting emails & threats to DP. I'm not very knowledgeable but at least get it recorded so if any future situations arise you are legally logging everything.

Don't ruin your Christmas, you hold all the cards , not him. Also, could you contact the brother who paid for car & see how he feels any being used. I'll bet he has no idea that his is happening.

You are in my thoughts xxx

You should be entitled to 15 hours free nursery per week which hopefully will cut your child care costs. Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. It may even be worth weighing up the cost of working and paying for childcare and not working (for a little while). I not advocating giving up work to live on benefits indefinitely, maybe until your child starts school. This may not work for you but in any case not relying on your ex for money cuts his control further and it's better to be skint than having this evil man in your life.

thank you 3. that helped me, I have a feeling that his brother knows nothing of this, although I could be wrong. but I have messaged him there apologizing for getting the wrong end of the stick-although I didn't, he definitely said no when I said I'd like to repay him at some point.

I'm not surprised dp doesn't deal with it all that well, it's a tough situation he's in, and one he has never been in! so it's difficult for him perhaps to understand how it gets to me but I just hope it doesn't break us.

I'm shaking with anger/fear of the future but know this will all be over at some point and if it goes my way in court then I can relax

thanks just want. I'm not entitled to anything as we're over the threshold. goodness knows how as we are scraping by each month but that's how it is. DS does get those hours each week at preschool. but my shifts at work means I don't benefit from it at all as they are before or after the afternoon session he gets.

I have thought about that today, believe me. but I think the best option for me is to actually work full time and in a better paid job. I have a few ideas of what I can do but it's whether the jobs come up anytime soon or not, job hunting it is for me tonight!

Good luck, I was made redundant last year and find it impossible to work as I can only do 10-2 mon to fri when my son is in school and due to his autism I cannot leave him with anyone, I start a degree course in feb so hoping that's helps my job prospects a bit.
You sound so lovely and certainly don't deserve any of the crap you are having to deal with. My prayers are with you and if anyone deserves a little luck it's you, I really hope you have a much better 2015 x

aw thank you justwant

I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulty getting a job, its so hard isn't it, trying to find one that will work around the kids. good luck to you also, the degree sounds exciting and I'm sure the hard work will pay off

I need to try to control my reaction to exp texts/emails. my heart skips a beat (not in a good way) when I see his name pop up. the last text was me saying he leaves me no option but to go to css, to which he replied , do what you want...I'm not working. screams