exp is taking me to court....again

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

..or so he keeps saying

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement

also, nothing at all was mentioned about travel arrangements. however I specifically mentioned in my email that he has to now do all travelling, hmmmm...

his lawyer's email is rubbish - just because they wrote what he told them to it doesn't make it right.

You need your own lawyer pronto I think.

as I was reading it I thought, she sounds exactly like him!

Op please stay strong!

I said earlier that I've been exactly where you are now and I've come out much much stronger and things are much better for ds too.

stay calm in your response, don't back down and don't get emotional. Stick with facts and back them up- like bullet points.

i did have legal representation however, others are right that his solicitor had just written exactly are asked- how kind of him to offer cm as a gesture of goodwill! Knob!

I wonder if different lawyers firms charge different rates

gah! the email is ridiculous though. it said if I don't reply by Fri, court action would proceed. no it wouldn't, surely mediation would be the next step

yep, the lawyer has just written what he asked her to.
They can apply to court, but court will ask for mediation anyway.

post on the legal board, some lovely MNers have helped me in the past with their knowledge

btw he can't just decide to send your ds to private school without your say so - that is utterly ridiculous.

You can reply direct to his lawyer (you don't have to use one).

Personally I think you need to state that you will not agree to 50:50 shared care as you do not believe it is in ds' best interests and will not be workable with his pre-school and school education. You are happy offer EOW plus one fixed evening overnight per week.

Will you contact Women's Aid again btw?

thank you everyone. it really is ridiculous, basically the private school part was part of the 'deal' in order for me to continue to receive cm from him. Yeah I'll just agree to that right now exp, you fecking moron

I'll call womens aid again tonight

Yeah and whaddya know? He stops paying for private school a year into the " deal" or else can't afford that and CM...

how can he say that he can choose private school but you can't enrol in a school without his consent. How does he think that would ever be acceptable? He is an utter bully and talking out of his backside and using your son as a weapon to hurt you. He is an utter disgrace.

And affording private school but can't afford cm - bollocks

Interesting that his schooling choice would be very difficult for you to manage in practice due to the distance. All coincidence I'm sure. None of what he is suggesting is in your sons best interests. I'm not a legal person but I would hold onto that for some comfort.

Don't do private school. Your lovely DS will settle in & make lovely friends & nasty controlling f*k t*t will threaten to stop paying fees or take drop in maintenance. This has happened to my friend. Her exH who is loaded has agreed to pay for just one more year & she so upset as like all children they love their friends .
( have given up swearing for new year!)

His demands are unrealistic, they would refused he is such an a**e I'm angry just reading it. !!!

Be strong you have support xxx

the choice of school is of course to make my life difficult, with rush hour traffic in the morning-it would definitely take at least 40 minutes to get there, then I have to get back, then go onto work I don't think so

I wonder if the lawyer was cringing when having to entertain his nonsense, surely? although I doubt he wouldn've showed her the email I sent to him in the first place, stating that the reason for wotholding co tact is because he told me he would not be returning DS to me. and that he has told me he will hide income etc

hi 3. sorry to hear your friend is experiencing a similar scenario. very unfair, and I can see that happening I'm the future if I was ever to agree to that (which I definitely wouldn't, ever)

my client would be prepared to pay cm, albeit that he will have no obligation to do so as he is exercising shared care. the 'offer' of paying cm however will be withdrawn, if court proceedings go ahead.

I am dumbfounded

Well, that only works if the court actually awards 50:50 though, rather than him just "asserting" it.

Hi OP. I'm happy to be corrected by any of a more legal background, but this is what I have picked up from a close friend of mine who has been going through similar-ish contact issues as you.

Firstly, his lawyers demands in an email will bear absolutely no relation to what he would be awarded in court. For all you know, your ex has engaged the services of a lawyer, written a letter and told the solicitor to send it. My friend's solicitor told her that this happens frequently.

Secondly - you need proper legal advice yourself. Get some anyway you can. My friend paid a fair amount for a good family solicitor -but it was worth it. She has someone on her side who will not be bullied by her ex (and you would not believe some of the stuff he has written to her and the solicitor - it's jaw-dropping in it's sheer abusiveness).

She has detached herself completely and remained calm throughout, in the face of his bullying abuse - but she has her solicitor's support - it seems that a letter from her solicitor saying "it is not usual for a court to agree xyz -insert unreasonable demand here- stops him in his tracks. He has actually stopped threatening her "court" now! He used this threat to bully her - her solicitor wrote to him to tell him what is likely to be decided in court, and it just completely deflated him.

He can take you to court - but he will pay the costs I believe. He will have to apply for mediation first - this all takes time. Don't panic. If you possibly can - get a solicitor if it goes to court. I fear he will bully you via the court process. I'd almost be tempted to tell him to shove the cm and get legal aid.

Good luck, stay strong.

Solicitors' letters are often worded so it sounds as though they have the authority to order the arrangements for contact for YOUR child which is both intimidating and infuriating. Do try to stay calm and remember they are paid by their client to write such letters.

Courts do not want to become involved, as a general rule, in child support issues as that is why the csa/cms were set up - to separate contact from financial support.

You have offered reasonable contact but I really think that nothing you can offer will be enough. Although some posters have said they think he may shy away from court (and he will have to go through mediation first) the Judge will try to get an agreement between the parties. Hostile, enforced contact is rarely good for anyone involved, particularly the child.

Sadly a very small minority of men do get caught up in the court process viewing it as a huge battle where they will achieve victory and vindication. This is hugely damaging and 2014 was the first in nine years that I have not been taken back to court over niggling issues.

Although this has been very hard, he began losing most hearings and looking incredibly foolish. We used his applications (a couple of hundred pounds each time) to ask for tweaks to the order ourselves which were generally granted.

Be firm about private school. You are best with a decent, local primary school easily accessible each day to you. He cannot stop you sending your child there, but does have a right to be consulted if he has PR. He could apply for a prohibited steps order to stop you, but he would have to have very good reasons for doing so, such as strong religious views for example. If he has moved away, he needs to collect and return.

Please don't give in to his demands and think carefully and long term about what is best for your child, what will make her happy and also yourself as the primary carer and the impact upon you of demanding, onerous travel arrangements which will affect your future employment possibilities and be financially costly.

thank you SO much for the replies, they are all so helpful and keeping me feeling strong although I can't get it out my mind at all, it seems to be consuming my thoughts 90% of the day, hoping that will pass and I'll cope better as time goes on, lots of yoga for me!

I think I will reply to his lawyer directly, I have another meeting with a solicitor tomorrow which is free, so can perhaps show him/her my reply beforehand and get advice, but don't fancy paying 100quid for the pleasure. I now feel confident to reply all thanks to this

I think I will end the email saying that I wish for exps lawyer to communicate with mine (if I can scrape together the fees) although not sure if that is wise and will bump up costs considerably....

in the lawyers email to me it said exp wants contact this weekend and if they don't hear back from me by close of business on Fri court action will follow. which I know it probably won't, it would be mediation, but this will be killing him not being able to see DS so I expect it will all mover fairly quickly.

would we have to agree to a date for mediation? I'm unable to take time off work because of this so it would need to fall on my day off ideally.

I expected DS to wonder and ask questions about his dad and why he isn't seeing him as usual, but he isn't bothered in the slightest and I don't think he's even noticed. he is his usual happy self which I'm glad about

just wondering - does he usually pay by bank transfer into your account - so you have proof that he has been paying and can manage it, and you have emails/texts that show he is threatening to hide his income if you go to CSA. Although he may be more concerned about a trip to HMRC if he is playing dodgy with his income.
Just if it DOES get to court they dont hold too kindly on that sort of thing.

He can say what he wants in the solicitors letter - they really are just an extension of his bullying, via a third person.

He can threaten court, but as others say, bring it on. Its very unlikely he will get anything like what he says he wants, and he probably knows that if his solicitor is halfway good, plus once its an order he will have to stick to it. You can ask for all considerations to be taken into account, such as transport/school uniforms/school trips.

But yes, mediation may be suggested and you can arrange it at a time suitable for you. However remember that nothing that is discussed or agreed in mediation is legally binding at all, and cant even be used in court at a later date.

If you think he is going to try to abuse you and bully you in mediation, and then refuse to stick to any agreement (of course you too could agree to stuff and then not do it) I would say that because of the abuse you dont want mediation and you want it decided in court where the boundaries are firm and binding.

Heres the thing with his solicitors letters, just completely ignore them. They have the standing of junk mail from a credit card company. You are under no obligation whatsoever to deal with his solicitors.

Just tell him, this is what i have decided is happening. If you don't like it i'll see you in court. There is no need for a solicitor at all until court proceedings are initiated (sometimes not even then, many people successfully represent themselves and judges give litigants in person a really fair crack of the whip generally). You must change your mindset. This man is not the master of the universe. He's just a shitty ex.

I would stop contact for a while for the following reasons, unsuitable drop off pick up arrangements, threats to ex-p, threats not to return child.

With regard to CM. - Mentally accept that you will never get another penny out of this man. I know thats easy to say for me when you need the money, but if you can accept this then the whole process of chasing him for it becomes much more fun. Every pound you manage to squeeze out of him becomes a significant victory!

Finally a rare thing on mums net but i know this to be true without reservation. Even if he has 50/50 he still has to pay you CM. The NRP always pays the RP even if shared care. In these instances the RP is deemed to be the person who holds the family allowance book. If he has more than 50/50 he can apply for the family allowance book to be transferred to him. (i know this as i am in this exact situation)

It may be worth adding that i am a bloke with 50/50 care of my children. I very rarely support any curtailing of (usually) dads rights to see their kids but this bloke is being a grade a c*nt.

Oh keep every single text, e mail, letter and the like, Without fail. If he is a total knob you may want to learn how to record your phone calls.

In the nicest way possible, stop letting this bloke intimidate you.