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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shaking - help me, shall I go to confront DH

220 replies

Yikesivedoneitagain · 10/11/2014 13:06

I am shaking please could I have a bit of advice?

DH has had full rash over his body and also a chest infection so didn't go in to work today. I'm off on maternity leave.

He went to dr on weekend but lost his prescription so went to get another one also to see GP as OOH GP wasn't sure about rash.

He told me GP wants blood tests. I saw in his cupboard a blood test form saying 'STD check ' and convinced myself it was a 'standard check'...

He has just gone to his friends to get his lost prescription, as GP refused to give another.

I looked back in cupboard and I have found a leaflet from sexual health clinic saying to come back at 1 pm Sad

Please help - shall I go to the clinic (about 10 min walk) and ask him wtf he is doing there?

He wa out till 5 am on Saturday Sad

Has he fucked someone else?

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel2014 · 13/11/2014 16:12

Well done OP. Start of a better time for you.

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 07:43

This is really difficult. My mum owns the flat we live in, and he is refusing to leave. She will need to evict him! Months of legal battles and sums of money, while I camp out at my sisters Sad I feel sick, sad and awful.

He is making this as difficult as possible. He is being totally calm, just keeps asserting it is his right to be here (it is, we're on the tenancy together).

He has taken time off work, he says he wants to stay home looking after our kids? I literally cannot escape him today - nowhere to go but here. Hoping to move out over the weekend.

Oh god, this is all too much. I wish this had never happened. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 07:53

He has told me to move out (my only option), and leave my oldest with him! I can't be without my boy.

I'm going to lose my home, will have to move to a different area, will lose friends. Everything because of him.

I am so sad, no wonder I've been carrying on with a shit relationship - this is the fall out. Will he get residence of the children?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/11/2014 08:02

It is probably a blessing in disguise, though, isn't it - it's made you do something you probably would have done anyway, eventually - like lancing a boil rather than waiting for it to burst.

Will your sister be supportive? Might be a good thing to be with her rather than on your own. My husband did the same thing, refusing to move though it made it horrible for everyone. Don't hide; take up space in your home and make it uncomfortable for him too, he might get more of a move on. Could you get your sister round now?

ravenmum · 14/11/2014 08:03

oops, cross-post. Why is it your only option to move out?

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 08:11

OMG - he has told me to go with the baby. Have I got any right to move out with my oldest and baby? Oh shit I am shaking. He can't keep my son. Sad

Yes this is like popping a huge ugly spot. It is so upsetting. I know it will be better eventually but I have to get through this now. I am panicking I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 08:13

He won't go. Should I stay? My mum will evict us both and sell. Seems to be the only option?

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/11/2014 08:18

He's psyching you out. No, he can't take your son off you. You're the one doing most of the childcare anyway, aren't you? Maybe he thinks he can trick someone into believing he's the one doing most childcare by taking a week or two off and playing SAHD, but no-one will be fooled.

Do NOT leave your child with him when you leave. You shouldn't even have to leave.

Someone else will be along with more experience but I couldn't leave your post unanswered. Be strong! He's full of bullshit, don't let it get to you, play smart.

hesterton · 14/11/2014 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SassyPasty · 14/11/2014 08:22

Your mum needs to find out what she cans do legally. I have no idea whether it's possible but it's worth looking into whether his name can be removed from the tenency rather than evicting him. There's lots of knowledgeable peeps on the house buying and renting forum on MSE or she could look and/or post on landlordzone. Or, the more expensive route, consult a solicitor. HTH

Only1scoop · 14/11/2014 08:26

For goodness sake get your mum on side and request he leaves immediately....if not start his eviction process and stay safe in meantime....

He is bluffing re ds

Also get legal advice

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 08:28

I have tried to get him to move out. 6 months ago, before second baby was born, he had some sort of breakdown when I said I wanted to split up. He slept on a bench in the park opposite my home, I could see him out the living room window every night. He couldn't get help with housing as he had been 'illegally evicted' by me. He wasn't working and couldn't afford rent. I offered to pay a deposit to get him housing. He refused.

I found out my dad was terminally ill two weeks after baby was born, and took him back in. I couldn't cope with the multiple stressors. So I suppose, if I thought he was cheating, I could at least justify kicking him out again.

Now of course I want him to leave, but he has been advised by councils housing dept that he has the right to live here - we have tenancy together and pay rent to my mum.

He is saying it will cost my family £10,000 to evict him, and he will not go without a fight.

Shit. What am I going to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 08:32

Ok, she is consulting solicitor. Can I just take my son and jump in a cab and go?

OP posts:
NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/11/2014 08:34

It won't cost £10,000 to evict him. What an arse. Tell him he will be evicted no matter. Is it a possibility that a family member can come and stay with you for a while? Thanks

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/11/2014 08:36

Call a solicitor as soon as you can this morning. Get some advice.
I would be inclined to stay put if you can until you get some advice and if it's safe for you to do so.
He sounds very manipulative.

ravenmum · 14/11/2014 08:36

You have the right to live there, as you have tenancy, same as him. He can't chuck you out. Is this "just" a psychological thing or are you afraid he might get physical? Can your mum, sister or a friend come round this moment?

Buttercup27 · 14/11/2014 08:38

You need to seek legal advice. Whether it's a solicitor or cab it doesn't matter. You need to know legally where you stand so he has no power over you. Atm he's scaring you because you have no idea what he can/can't do.

Joysmum · 14/11/2014 08:42

What sort if tenancy agreement do you have and when is the end date?

Joysmum · 14/11/2014 08:43

Get your mum to go on the residential landlords association page. May be cheaper for her to join for a year and use their legal advice line and letter templates Smile

MediumExpectations · 14/11/2014 08:46

It costs about £150 to evict a tenant provided you represent yourself. I did this as a novice and it was straight forward.
Your Mum should be brought into the loop and serve a Section 21 notice (from memory) on you as tenants after which if you don't go she can start eviction.
I recommend that you stay I the property and get some on site support from a friend/family.

Chrissy41 · 14/11/2014 08:56

and if you feel in any danger call 101. He cannot make you leave or keep the children - I think you need a solicitor and pronto. Typical bullying behaviour on his part.

CrispyFern · 14/11/2014 08:57

What a fucking wanker he is. So sorry you have or deal with this OP.

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 09:01

I don't know. I need to get away! I am absolutely not scared of him, not in the least bit. But he will find a way to do me over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 14/11/2014 09:07

He isn't chucking me out - just point blank refusing to go.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/11/2014 09:08

My friend 'evicted' her ex partner without even a tenancy agreement it cost less than 200 pounds he read the first letter and 'departed'

Get your mum on the case ASAP ....get the notice served don't even discuss any of it with him.