Shaking - help me, shall I go to confront DH

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

I am shaking please could I have a bit of advice?

DH has had full rash over his body and also a chest infection so didn't go in to work today. I'm off on maternity leave.

He went to dr on weekend but lost his prescription so went to get another one also to see GP as OOH GP wasn't sure about rash.

He told me GP wants blood tests. I saw in his cupboard a blood test form saying 'STD check ' and convinced myself it was a 'standard check'...

He has just gone to his friends to get his lost prescription, as GP refused to give another.

I looked back in cupboard and I have found a leaflet from sexual health clinic saying to come back at 1 pm

Please help - shall I go to the clinic (about 10 min walk) and ask him wtf he is doing there?

He wa out till 5 am on Saturday

Has he fucked someone else?

[QuintsBombWithAWiew]

Is your first step perhaps to start divorce proceedings? If your mother can hold off with the sale, then maybe you can buy the house later.

Your life will be so much better without him pulling one stupid stunt after the other.

[Audeca]

Thanks HoneyBadger :) The guy sounded a dick, so wanted to try and help!

I should have added; a Section 21 isn't actually the eviction, it's simply formal notice that if the tenant hasn't vacated by the end of the period that the landlord will got court to seek possession (i.e it doesn't actually end the tenancy in itself).

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

Thank you all so much! I will talk all this through with my mum today. We moved in 5 years ago. Didn't pay a deposit. Have had periods of not paying rent at all with prior agreement of all parties. My mum is an angel for putting up with this, but will of course do this all by the book.

Good point about divorce vs eviction one might be better.

[Mini05]

You can do what you want to do with your children!!!! You don't need his permission

He's playing mind games and being stubborn.
Everyone's saying stay put, BUT it's extremely stressful when your in the situation.

Your mums seeing what she can do to get him out ASAP, so would it be too much of an upheaval for you to stay at sisters/mums for few weeks till your mum can get him out?

You could then move back into the flat with just your name on tenancy

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

Thank you Audeca! He is a dick, a sad case. I feel sorry for him. Not a good basis for a relationship. I really loved him when we met, I think I'm going to miss him.

[QuintsBombWithAWiew]

I am sure you will miss what he was, not what he is though!

I really think it is easier to go through with a divorce. Then your mum can give him notice, and make a new tenancy agreement for you only. But take some legal advice on the right way to do this.

[Tobyjugg]

TBH dishonesty and stupidity like this makes me ashamed of my sex. Having read this throught, the only conclusion I can come to Yikes is that if he says it - it ain't true. Don't let him bullshit you. Get a lawyer. A nice hard one.

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

So last night husband went out and he didn't come back... He says he is moving out. No doubt he'll fuck me around for a few months making a 'final decision', and sorting out contact. Now what?!

[Only1scoop]

Now what??? ....offer to help him pack and then change the locks....

He wants to go....fantastic

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

Thanks Scoop! I am not even having him back in to pack, it's all a bit too volatile. My mum and sister are coming over to help and I'll ask his mum to collect his stuff.

I sort of meant - now what do I tell my 4 year old son. How do I afford to pay the bills? Do I need to go back to work earlier? Those are my now what's. How do I get a divorce? How long does it take? That kind if thing.

What am I going to do when I start to miss him? How will I have ended up divorced with two children before 30? What am I doing with my life and on, and on.

I'm not even sad! Am I numb?

Sorry, I guess these are all things I need to work through.

[Only1scoop]

Yikes....you make all decisions from now on. His pathetic behaviour is completely unacceptable and not conducive with family life at all.

Great to get your family to bag up his stuff and totally agree you need their support. If when he comes back he makes any kind of scene ....verbally etc then call the police and they will make him leave.

Just sort out the 'for now' things it's one day at a time for a while.

Most important thing is getting his pathetic self out of your home.

Your going to be ok. You really are.

[Vycount]

Op, have you booked an appointment to see a solicitor?

[ravenmum]

Thank goodness for that. All the chest-beating and refusing to go were just his last-ditch attempts to manipulate you / keep up the act even though you'd seen through it, huh?

It does take a while for it to sink in, and you're full of adrenaline at first. You're hardly the first to be divorced with two kids. What you're doing with your life is taking it into your own hands and removing a negative influence on it, so that it will be better in future.

[TheHoneyBadger]

straight on the phone on monday to tax credits people letting them know change of circumstances and your adjusted household income. call local council to get forms for housing benefit and council tax relief (though the former 'may' be problematic with your mother as the landlord so ask them about that).

child tax credits will go up hopefully and when you go back to work you'll get working tax credits as well and help towards childcare costs.

finances WILL work out honestly. start getting facts and figures in asap so that it is facts you are dealing with rather than blind anxieties and panic iyswim.

i'd get his stuff out and locks changed before he can change his mind. do you have it in a text or email that he is moving out? if not see if you can get him to put it in writing by bringing it up in a text exchange or such.

he's walked out in that case and abandoned the family home so can't claim to have been evicted - your mum has helpfully changed the contract.

the emotional stuff take your time over. nice cuddly weekend with kids, lots of support from family and take your time to think of how best to break it to them. for now daddy could have gone away for a few days.

[TheHoneyBadger]

oh and sorry to say but you need an appointment at the std clinic yourself.

[statementtotheedge]

You will be fine as a single mum with 2 kids under 30. I became one with 2 kids at 28.

I would get your free half hour with a solicitor.

But right now I would be throwing all of his belongings into bin bags and phone regarding child tax credits to start a new claim as a single parent.

Good luck. Stay strong when you miss him. Make considered decisions that are in the best interests of you and your children. Read this thread and remember how manipulative and nasty he has been.

[statementtotheedge]

My children were 2 and 3 at the time. The 3 year old figures out the reasons I gave for the absence of his dad were rubbish. It was a permanent thing so I should have just told them sooner that Daddy lived somewhere else now. I doubted it was true, but obviously emphasised that Daddy loved them.

[Audeca]

@Yikesivedoneitagain

Glad my posts were of some use :)

Get it in writing! If either you or your mum have access to a printer then knock up a quick letter (with your mums details as the landlord). It doesn't need to be complicated or long, just state that he is surrendering the tenancy on xx date and that there is no deposit to return (there is a free example document on the consumer action group forum here). That way there can be no further argument and you will be legally covered if he tries to make life difficult in the future /changes his mind.

Good luck!

[TheHoneyBadger]

realistically though changing his mind/causing trouble would involve effort and laying out money to hire a solicitor and pursue things. the chances of that are extremely unlikely imo from someone who can't even articulate a half decent excuse when caught lying and resorts to giggling and acting like a twatty teenager.

just get the locks changed and his stuff out.

[Audeca]

I'd recommend against that HoneyBadger. Although he has verbally agreed to surrender the tenancy it could, if he changed his mind and tried to be an arse, be hard for the OP's mum to prove without any documentation (although the verbal agreement will provide a defence as the LL can argue that they reasonably believed that he had left the property).

I agree it sounds like he is very unlikely to do so / doesn't sound clued up enough, but as illegal eviction is a criminal offence it seems wise to take precautions for peace of mind to prevent it ever being considered so.*

That sample I linked to is perhaps a tad over the top. It really doesn't have to be much more than 'I surrender the tenancy' signed xx, date xx...just something to provide protection if necessary.

*On the other hand, there's a very good chance I'm being too obsessive about crossing the t's etc ! If so please accept my apologies and ignore my pedantic nature OP, I'm sure everything will be fine whatever you choose to do :)

[TheHoneyBadger]

i just think that would be an invitation to be an arse and realise he has the power to be one.

having moved out is kind of evidence enough - given it accompanies a marital breakdown and changing of benefits etc and zero resistance or issues at the time i can't see what evidence he'd have of being evicted rather than having simply moved out.

wave paperwork around and he might think again about his decision to move out.

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

He changed his mind instantly! I've moved out, getting the rest of my stuff tomorrow. Good riddance, I am relieved to be out of there and have my family around me now for support. I'm never going to be able to have a straight conversation with him, my poor children. I have to get through this now. So hard.

Will be in touch with solicitor on Monday and have appt at GUM clinic booked. Thanks for all the financial advice, I think I'll be ok, as living with sister and mum lives nearby.

He knows the law, and as dim as he is, knows he can't be evicted illegally. I am not sure about what contact I need to have with him. When he asks how the children are, I have to let him know? I want to change my number and have a few days/even weeks off. I don't want to antagonise him though.

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

He has offered to move out if I give him a massage! Oh I can't do this!

[AnyFucker]

A massage ?

What are you, some kind of happy ending kinda girl ?

Tell him to fuck off

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

I am ignoring him. Just texting about contact. I want to rip him to shreds. He had the cheek to say 'it's quiet in our flat tonight'...!