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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shaking - help me, shall I go to confront DH

220 replies

Yikesivedoneitagain · 10/11/2014 13:06

I am shaking please could I have a bit of advice?

DH has had full rash over his body and also a chest infection so didn't go in to work today. I'm off on maternity leave.

He went to dr on weekend but lost his prescription so went to get another one also to see GP as OOH GP wasn't sure about rash.

He told me GP wants blood tests. I saw in his cupboard a blood test form saying 'STD check ' and convinced myself it was a 'standard check'...

He has just gone to his friends to get his lost prescription, as GP refused to give another.

I looked back in cupboard and I have found a leaflet from sexual health clinic saying to come back at 1 pm Sad

Please help - shall I go to the clinic (about 10 min walk) and ask him wtf he is doing there?

He wa out till 5 am on Saturday Sad

Has he fucked someone else?

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 10/11/2014 14:36

Sorry I may be being a bit thick but when I had sti tests in pregnancy and previously for a gynaecological issue I didn't have to go to a gum clinic they were done at my gp surgery... I don't understand why if you're seeing the gp for a medical issue they would send you to a gum clinic for blood tests to run stuff out rather than do the tests themselves or is my surgery unusual?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/11/2014 14:38

Then run away.
Not too far as you have 2 kids but just go out of the house for now.
Go for a long walk or go to a cafe and just sit and be with you and away from him.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 10/11/2014 14:48

I'm sorry you're in this situation. More important than any of the evidence what I'm hearing from your posts is that you are not secure and comfortable. That you have doubts. That this isn't just about what a bit if paper says or what proof you find. Those doubts in themselves show that something is not quite right and things can't continue exactly as they are. His response isn't what I would expect to hear from someone if they hadn't done anything wrong.

mmgirish · 10/11/2014 15:03

God love you Yikes this is a nightmare. It does sound like he is lying. Has he ever lied about big stuff before?

Where did he say he was when he was out til 5? If my husband stayed out that late he would come home to a locked door.

ravenmum · 10/11/2014 15:14

It is so frustrating when all the signs are pointing one way but you still don't know for sure. It feels like you need proof before you can do anything. But he is doing secretive nonsense, staying out without a proper explanation, then basically saying "You can't prove anything" instead of apologies or a proper excuse. That alone is enough for you to do something, as that behaviour is not loving or respectful.

NotAtHome · 10/11/2014 16:10

OP, is this the first inkling you had that he might have cheated? Or is it ringing bells about particular events?

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 10/11/2014 16:26

Mm I deadlocked the door then ignored his whining. I opened it at 6, he was extremely cold.

I felt pretty sure he wouldn't cheat, however, our relationship is a bit of a mess, so I wouldn't be hugely shocked if he cheated. Just disappointed, angry and disgusted.

We live in rented, it's our 'marital home', he won't just leave. I will have to.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 10/11/2014 16:33

Do you have somewhere safe to go? Family?

Don't feel ashamed about telling people, you have done nothing wrong.

He sounds pathetic.

averythinline · 10/11/2014 16:36

Whose name is on the tenancy? and who does most of the childcare? That's who usually stays in the house..Sad

Original poster
Yikesivedoneitagain · 10/11/2014 16:52

Both our names. I look after kids full time as on mat leave. I hate him!

OP posts:
magoria · 10/11/2014 17:12

I was giving the benefit of doubt in my first post.

He is just taking the piss out of you now. Laughing and making up bullshit.

Sorry I think you were on the ball from the start.

Good luck sorting this out.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 10/11/2014 17:20

Sorry but it does all sound very odd...

Not so much the antibiotics etc but his attitude to you more than anything ....
He must be aware it's all a bit strange and yet he isn't being honest about what the gp has said or requested, and when asked he is being an arse about it....

If he had nothing to hide surely he would've been upfront and told you ?

I think I would be tempted to tell him he's on the sofa if he won't leave for s day or 2 and give you space ....

And if you're thinking divorce as things are so bad he can't be honest....tell him that .... He seems to need it spelling out....

Redhead11 · 10/11/2014 17:28

Most blood tests now include an STD as standard, something i was very thankful for when XH left when i found him cheating. I do hope for your sake that this is all it is. Good luck and congrats on the maternity leave.

Handywoman · 10/11/2014 17:48

Most blood tests include STD test as standard? Since when?

Poor you OP. He is being an arse.

Flimflammer · 10/11/2014 17:55

I take it the GUM clinic is a walk in? Can you get him to take you back there with him tomorrow and have him give the nurse permission to explain what tests he's had and why? You have an absolute right to know, and if he won't do that tell him he will need to get some condoms because no way are you having unprotected sex with him.

I was at the clap clinic myself last week, and the only other service they offer is contraceptive advice and supplies which is why I was there. Separate services are protective of their budgets. My GP won't supply me with a cap because they are expensive and the FP clinic gets the funding for them. GUM clinics are funded to treat GUM not allergies.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/11/2014 17:57

OP: "he won't just leave. I will have to"

No you will not!! Do not leave if you don't want to / if it's not for a bit of head space

MyNameGotChanged2 · 10/11/2014 18:27

I read this thread this morning and then was reading the news and found this article that talked about a woman who got sick and had a horrible rash that kept spreading. A guy she had been seeing sent her a mean text message when she said she didn't want to see him anymore saying he hoped she remembered him forever. For some reason that caused her to go get a HIV test, it was positive.

I'm not saying that's what it is, and you said you get an STI check, but just in case I think you need to go an get a HIV test as well.

I just couldn't imagine my DH going to a doc's appointment without telling me (after tests results would be fine in case he was trying not to worry me), let alone lying to me about what the diagnosis was.

wallaby73 · 10/11/2014 18:55

Myname - cripes, that'll calm the OP right down that will Confused

namioexchangio · 10/11/2014 19:03

Hmmm... I think you are being hasty. Your DH has a rash and the GP suggested a blood test possibly including for STIs. Even if your DH had said to his GP he had been faithful in his marriage, the GP doesn't know how faithful you are (sorry - I am sure you are, but GP won't assume that). Round where I am, the GPs no longer do blood tests and they are indeed done at the GUM clinic... you just take a different coloured ticket. I think the idea is to make it easier for people to go to the GUM clinic because it is not so obvious. Give your DH the benefit of the doubt and don't lock him out! I am not sure that you have any reason so far to doubt your DH.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 10/11/2014 19:05

You have rights. Probably more than you think.

Go see a solicitor. Most will give you 30mins free.

Eekaman · 10/11/2014 19:11

namioexchangio - careful, we don't need level headed logic in these parts. :)

And good work mynamegotchanged - let's ramp up the situation here as high as we can...

GarlicNovember · 10/11/2014 19:28
  1. He said he'd lost his prescription so had to go back to GP.
  2. He said GP wouldn't give him prescription so he had to go to friend's and pick up the lost one.
  3. While he was supposedly at friend's, he was really at the GUM clinic.
  4. OP checked at GUM clinic, there he was.
  5. He claimed he was at the clinic for an allergy test Confused Hmm
  6. OP has regular tests at the same GUM clinic, so H knows she knows what they do & don't do Confused Confused
  7. OP's upset and H is laughing at her.

I'm really sorry, Yikes, this is shit! I hope you have gone out with your friend, or at least chucked the idiot you're married to out for the night.

Flowers
slightlyworriednc · 10/11/2014 19:31

Mynamegotchanged, that's a classic urban legend. Unless you have a link to this 'news article'? Hmm

Pacificrum · 10/11/2014 19:44

Mynamegotchanged, I also read you can get cancer from vegetables in a newspaper once.

Let's not freak OP out unnecessarily as this is a horrible situation as it is and yes all possibilities are possible however this is worst case scenario and doesn't need to be dealt with tonight.

OP I can't find the flower icon but I'll share some virtual wines in thought.

MyNameGotChanged2 · 10/11/2014 19:56

slightlyworriednc Yep. Here you go: www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/a-young-woman-reveals-what-living-with-hiv-is-really-like/story-fneuzlbd-1227118353620?sv=f076fc038227357e781077ecb129eb14

The woman is telling the story about herself. Pics and all.

Again, I'm not saying it's the case but I don't think HIV is covered in normal STI check and I thought it was creepy that I read this article right after reading this thread.

He's being a twat either way. Laughing about it (gaslighting to make you feel foolish). He's up to something.