why does he act so cruelly :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

I know ur right deep down....its hard to believe u deserve better tho when u have no real personal insight into what better is....he is better than my ex ( for now ) but I know how he treats me isnt good but have no "normal caring" relationship to compare it to so you end up thinking is it me? I'm rambling a bit sorry...hope I'm making sense...
I dont get how someone can be so intentionally cruel....I say intentionally as he has been told how it makes me feel but still does it...
it just doesnt compute in my head :(
he makes me loose faith in people but u ladies have restored it that there are some kind people out there who give a damn when others are struggling even if theyve never met them! x

You're making perfect sense. :) As for how to spot a "normal, caring" relationship in the future, watch if he treats you with the same care and consideration you offer him. He doesn't have to put you on a pedestal, buy you extravagent gifts etc (indeed, those are Bad Things, esp in the beginning), but if he expects you to listen to his story of a shit day at the office, you can expect him to listen to your tales of woe, too. If you notice when he feels a bit down and has gone quiet, so you ask what's wrong, you can expect him to do the same for you.

That's all it is, nothing esoteric. You might still argue from time to time, you might both be a bit snarky every now and again, but each partner can apologise (and have the apology accepted, which is important too) and have a hug, and life goes on.

It's not a lot to ask for, is it? And I think you know this, deep down, too.

thank u :) and yeah I do know its not alot to ask....the things other people take for granted in relationships id love to experience....I feel so worthless tonight, sat by my baby girls bed stroking her hair earlier crying that I'm not good enough for her and she deserves better than a mummy like me :( x

You're not worthless to me, or the other posters on this thread, and you're certainly not worthless to your beautiful daughter. We all have down moments when we feel we're not good enough for our children, I certainly did, (mine are adults, and parents themselves now) and I'm long-married to a decent bloke, not in a relationship with a fuckwit who puts me down at every opportunity.

You can learn from your horrible experiences, and pass your knowledge on to your daughter as she grows. I don't mean tell her the gory details, she doesn't need that, but you can teach her not to take shit from anyone, and you can teach her by example.

I can't remember if anyone has suggested the Freedom Programme from Women's Aid to you yet, but it's worth a google. Also, there's a book called "Why does he do that?" by an author called Lundy Bancroft, which will shed some light.

We're not supposed to do hugs in this nest of vipers, but I send you some anyway.

Kelell, may I offer a little anecdote about what a better relationship is? We have an electric toothbrush, my DP takes my brush off, puts his on and brushes his teeth, then puts mine back on. It's the little things like that that make me feel loved and cherished. He's always done it, we didn't even discuss it. It does drive me nuts that he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle, mind you.

I have had many bad relationships over the years, (I'm in my 40's) but this one is about as good as it gets. I sincerely hope that you find someone who is as loving and supportive as my DP. If only I could train him to buy me flowers every so often....

I am going to google this freedom programme now and have a read as I feel another sleepless night coming on so may aswell occupy myself doing something constructive! id love to help people like u lot have helped me these last few days as this kind of thing is so soul destroying but feel like id be a fraud offering anyone else on here advice when im struggling so badly myself and got myself into such a mess...I hope I can bring a bit of comfort to someone tho like you ladies have brought me x

it just showed me how weak I am and how worthless in his head

In his head

No one else's head.

his head is a black hole of nothingness, a howling vacancy needing someone else feeling like shit to fill it

You didn't get yourself into this, he targetted you, because he could see you were vulnerable. You won't be vulnerable forever, and when you feel stronger, you'll be able to pass it on. See the 11th post on this thread, from emmalouise, as an example.

No, you're not worthless, not at all, Kelell. How can you be worthless? You are an intelligent woman, very strong and determined, and a lovely mum. Your children don't think you're worthless either; they love you with all their hearts. That's not indicative of a worthless person, is it?

I'm not strong but wish I was :( my children do love me but I'm not doing them justice being so upset all the time I just struggle not to be atm...feel like he ( and a couple of others ) have systematically destroyed all my self worth and I was so weak I let them turn me into this shadow of the former me with no confidence whatsoever....ive been here before with a man like this only he was more physical not the mental torture...I should have learnt the 1st time tho really n not let this happen again/read the signs better x

Kelell, you are strong enough to have reached out for help. There's enough of "you" left to do that, and we - all of the posters on this thread - recognise that. We respond because we do care, even as anonymous strangers on the net, because you are worth it. You feel weak just now, of course, at least two men have worn you down and out, but you have a "former self" and while you might be a shadow right now, your former self can become "you" again.

You're not alone, you're not the first person to go through this, you won't be the last. You'll make a start on recovery, and then have a setback, it's all ok, your journey won't be a short one but will lead you to a better place. Promise.

How are you Kel? It was good to see you on another thread, advising others. Paying it forward, I think it's called.

What a horrible, selfish man you have. Your self esteem must be on the floor to accept this. He is all about him. He doesn't care about your feelings at all.

I really hope you realise you deserve far note than this. A weekend away doesn't make everything ok.

Kel, it's harder to tell what's going on with emotional abuse; when someone's violent and jurts you physically it's clearer (I know it starts of under cover too). We're nothing like as aware of that very subtle, gradual diminishment of our sense of worth, so we tend to miss it or excuse it. It dressed up as "a joke" or "over-sensitive" and even "mad"; we think we're misinterpreting, seeing things wrong, because what it looks like is not how you treat someone you love, and he loves you, right? It's so hard to stand putside your relationship and see it clearly.

Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's him, all him. Plenty of women get dragged into this sort of marriage, you know you're not the only one. Do you blame them? Of course you don't. So don't blame yourself.

Try to check out the Freedom Programme. It will help boost you ego, and - most importantly - help you recognise the signs early on, of a controlling fuckwit.

Bump for OP

thank u bitoutofpractice for sorting this for me :) havent been able to come on in a while coz of my stupid phone! have missed talking to u lovely ladies....still not seen him feels like its getting harder not easier I know thats stupid but I'm struggling :( x

just seen the other replies....thanks ladies :) .... I dont feel empowered by ignoring him I just feel sad....trying to pick myself up not let the kids see me upset etc but there feels like even more of a gaping hole now as I'm so lonely..... I'm sorry if I'm being stupid this is the only place I can talk or be honest with anyone ... really appreciate u ladies listening :) x

As weird as this sounds, I'm glad it's your phone that's kept you away, I was worried you'd gone to Wales, had a rotten time, and felt too bad to come back to us.

I gather the weather was pretty rough in Wales over the weekend, so I was worried about that too, so it's good to see you back here.

I'm sorry you're still struggling, and that won't go away overnight. There's a phrase I've seen used here, "Keep on, keeping on", or KOKO. That's where you are now, just keeping on going, day to day. Do the daily routine, work, childcare, housework... And once the dc are abed, there's no shame in having a wee cry to yourself. It is hard, you're grieving still, and you're allowed to feel a bit sorry for yourself.

thank u so much for ur kind message :) no just had phone issues which was a right pain in the arse as could have done with coming on here! x

there is always someone with a kind word on here

bump your thread any time you feel like it

I am sorry you are feeling low

I'm glad you're still having no contact with him, well done on that score. Is he still phoning/texting, or have you been able to block his number? (I know some phones allow this, most don't.)

I havent even tried to block his number tbh...I dunno why, the texts/calls r getting fewer... I'm not sure why that makes me sad but it does a bit, like hes giving up now so I obv didnt mean that much :( x

Ah, I understand. It's kind of fucked up thinking, but as his previous way of "showing he cares" was endless harrassment with texts and calls at silly o'clock, now he's not doing that, it's becoming clearer to you that no, he really doesn't care.

And of course that hurts, and makes you feel sad. If he really loved you, he'd fight for you, eh? He's thinking that too, his silence is a way of trying to make you beg him to come back, panic that he's ill or some such.

I'd expect another barrage of messages from him, some crisis or other, soon, possibly before the weekend. Be prepared, stay strong.

Kel - it's good thing he is not texting as much; maybe he is getting the message that you want to move on. It's not a sign that he didn't care about you (although I don't think he did ) - if he was texting and phoning all the time, that would be harassment and you would be in a different sort of confusion and fear.

Oldlady is right, he is not bothering with you until he has another 'crisis' that needs 3 hours of him talking at you.

Thanks ladies :) hate the evenings once kids r in bed I'm so bored and lonely ... at least he was someone who wanted to talk to me :( its really depressing sat here night after night on my own with no one to talk to. .. This site has helped tho :) x