why does he act so cruelly :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

That's not surprising, Kelell. His whole strategy, his modus operandi, is to make you feel completely unimportant, so that you will be focussed completely on him. Don't let him do that any more; he doesn't need your headspace as his own head is so full of himself, there's no room for anything else.

If it's been 8 days, then it would be perfectly reasonable to phone them tomorrow to make sure the letter's been done. They can probably give you the results over the phone if you want them.

Is this done through your surgery? At my surgery, test results are sent from the hospital to the surgery and to me, though sometimes the results only go to the surgey and then my gp calls me in.

I think the test gets sent to the local hospital and they write to me not the gp? had abnormal smear test results n had to have it repeated...never happened before so not sure??? yeah ur right about him tho....he hasnt asked tonight if I'm ok or if I got my letter (prob sulking as ive ignored him ) I dont have to worry whether hes ok tho as I can see hes online on whatssap talking to someone....Not me tho lol x

Have your results come through yet? It's the waiting that's the worst. :(

Nothing yet no :( x

I'm sorry to hear that. When do your dc return? Are you looking after yourself?

hi ladies had probs with my phone so had no internet :( caved last night n spoke to him coz he kept msging saying he had an emergency ( which he did ) n needed to speak to me....anyways I asked him to let me know what happened last night as was worried....he didn't and didnt sleep last night wondering if he was ok he finally txt at 4pm saying everything ok he had just forgot to txt as fell asleep n then out with his mate all day.....just shows I guess :( stupid me! x

I'm afraid so. This type of person will have all sorts of emergencies (flood, fire, heart attack, terminal illness) and any other means they can come up with - nice (flowers, chocolates) or nasty (threats of all sorts) - just to get you to talk to them. Then, once you're nicely entangled in whatever it is, and thinking about them again, lost your hard won detachment, they'll punish you.

You are lucky because you have seen who he is and you are not too entangled. You have not been together that long, you don't live together, and you don't have children together. Keep it like that.

Try to keep yourself busy. Give yourself a small treat every day, from a piece of chocolate to a theatre trip (budget allowing!). Buy some new bedding to symbolise your fresh start.

I can't help wondering what kind of dire emergency means only you can save his arse, but leaves him able and happy to fuck off out with his mate the next day. I note he managed to sleep fine, while you lay awake worrying. And I'll bet he didn't ask about your health either, did he?

no he didnt ask he just needed to talk...set me worrying then fell asleep n the fact that he knew id be worrying didnt even register in his head while hes been out for the day with his mates and ive been worried sick.....I did say this to him but he just said chill out x

Chill out again, huh? I'd chill him out, with a baseball bat and a fucking industrial freezer.

Sorry, I know that's not helpful. Will you be able to sleep better tonight?

~And again he managed to turn it all around to being about him.

He didnt have an emergency other than "OMG!!! I am not the centre of the universe, better fix that pronto!"

Please just keep being NC with him, its the only way you will recover from this.

hopefully sleep better tonight thanks :) not talking to him for days n then worrying if he was ok last night made me realise how much I do care about him which would be great but everyday he makes me realise how little he cares about me....its hard not to fall into the maybe if I do this/that he will act different x

But do you really care about him, or do you care about the person you wish he was? Do you really care about a man who treats you so badly he leaves you crying and sleepless, or is the man you care about the one who will suddenly realise what a shit he's been, come round to your house with flowers and apologies and tickets to Paris and hugs and support and love?

Because that Mills and Boon shit just doesn't happen in real life. He's made that abundantly clear.

You did the eggshell dance with your ex. You're doing it again with this one. Is it making you happy?

Sleep well, kelell. You deserve peace in your life.

Kelell, please check out the Freedom Programme. Just because 's not hitting you, doesn't mean he's not an abusive arse.

Oldlady is right.

He gives you odd glimpses of a wonderful man, just enough to keep you there thinking "oh but underneath he is really lovely" when the truth is that he isnt lovely at all.

The fact is that when a man loves you, truly loves you, and you are hurting he will do anything in his power to make it stop. Of course you will fall out and argue, we all do, but a loving man would listen and care and want to do whatever he could to help. This man doesnt do that. He wants you to do all of that for him but doesnt see it as a two way street.

You wouldnt be human if you didnt still have feelings for him, love doesnt die overnight, but that doesnt mean you should still be with him. I am sorry but I dont think that he loves you in the way you should be loved, I very much doubt he even knows what true selfless love really is.

Op - I remember a thread on the relationship board a while ago; the op found out about ow, her dh left her but still bombarded her with texts, phone calls, letters. Once he phoned late at night, crying, making veiled suggestions of suicide, then turned his phone off. The op spent all night in a state, trying to contact him, worrying, frantic.... Turned out he'd made the call, turned the phone off, and gone to sleep!!! He was playing her.

Your ex is doing the same. 'He just wanted to talk'? That's all he ever wants from you. Any thing YOU want, is disregarded.

Back to nc. Please.

due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him

Oh yeah - what's the betting he treated her the same way and any reasonable request is met with indifference etc.

hi ladies sorry to not message back/msg so late my phones had no internet again all bloody day...think ive sorted it now thankfully as tonight everything went really weird.....
he called....I answered (stupidly) but my plan was to be all nonchalant, what do u want etc, not interested ( id had a few glasses of wine on a rare kiddie free night so my mess up ) but anyway he asked what was up with me....I told him ( feeling all proud of myself I had the balls to say u treat me badly ) he then spent an hr telling me how that he has a massive problem that I'm addicted to diet coke...sounds pathetic but just got weirder....that I'm actually worse than a drug addict as at least those people addicted to drugs do it to get a high even tho me/him wouldnt but I get nothing from diet coke...apparently its been bothering him for ages n thats y he acts the way he does and dont expect any sympathy off him re feeling ill as it may be diet coke related!!! ...
I know people will think y didnt u slam down phone/tell him to go jump etc but I literally didnt say a word I was that dumbfounded I didnt speak for nearly an hour and just listened to him assasinating me about diet coke ffs!!! he had joked earlier in the conversation he had been getting drunk all night n I cant really say whether he was or not but it just really blew my head..I came off the phone n felt like id lost my mind...too late to call a friend to chat, no internet to come on here .... he also said im a liar ( as I said id try n drink less diet coke as 1- didnt think it was that much of an issue if I didnt and 2 - was trying to please him but as I havent I'm a liar and if I can lie about that what else have I been lying about ( absolutely nothing! )
so sorry for ranting...my heads blown :( no sleep again tonight it looks like :(
thank you all for your earlier replies it really does mean alot!! x

oh plus at one point.....when I hadnt spoke for 20 min or so as was so head blown by what he was saying I couldn't talk or either put down the phone as I needed to know where he was going with this he said....ur silence makes me nervous ( couldnt get a word in edgeways more like ) as I feel like I'm being recorded!!!!
am I crazy or is that a weird thing to say????
I have never recorded a phone conversation with anyone or would know how to even if I wanted to ( which I dont) I was silent as I was so shocked but even more shocked now where that came from????
am I being crazy....pls say yes if I am lol dont sugar coat it coz Im starting to wonder myself and a yes is slightly better than not knowing .... x

My, but he's a headfuck and a half, isn't he? The only proven addictive ingredient in diet coke (and I personally would think all "diet" drinks with artificial sweeteners are the work of the devil, if I believed in such an entity, but there are several other totally unrelated rants there, so I'll sush my mouth) is caffeine. The same caffeine that is in tea, coffee, and "full fat" coke/Pepsi/other similar drinks are available.

I have started and deleted many other parts to this post, outraged on your behalf, but my ranting won't help you.

Remind us all again why you love, or care about, this man?

Don't you think you deserve better?

the diet coke bit doesnt bother me tbh...I know its not good and my family/friends go on about it too but in a massively different way...what bothers me is how he spun everything ie I lied n said Id try n cut down ( which I did try to please him ) and all his behaviour is down to this!!! plus the am I being recorded thing reallt threw me...why would anyone worry they r being recorded on the phone?!?!?! x

Sorry, wrote and rewrote so often I cross-posted with your second... YOU ARE NOT BEING CRAZY, I promise you that. As for him, are you aware of any psychiatric problems he may have? That sounds like serious paranoia. I'd be calling the police on 101 (it's not a 999) for advice.

I know you're not ready yet, but his behaviour is verging on harrassment, please keep a diary of his calls/all his texts. His behaviour is escalating.

he just seems very emotionally selfish as I sit for literally hrs on the phone listening to his problems....i was really upset on the phone tonight as In alot of pain and worried and he went Ill talk to u tomorrow I cant deal with this tonight I'm tired n put down phone

there you are, that's your answer about why he does this. You said it yourself, he's emotionally selfish. He has to be the sun around which all other planets orbit. He won't change, it is an intrinsic part of his personality.

thank u for just being there to talk to :) I feel like hes trying to make me think im crazy....was all over the place at midnight when I got off the phone n couldnt talk to anyone...
No I dont know of anyone physiological conditions although ive often wondered if hes bipolar as hes so stressed/down one min n on the next call singing/joking etc but obv never said that to him....he said at the end of the call ill ring u /msg tomorrow....I just put down phone didnt even say bye....I may be on here alot tomorrow reading and re reading these posts to keep the strength not to answer or respond....tonight has massively blown my head...am thinking maybe someone has recorded him previously on phone and if so thry must have had a reason for doing so as its an extreme thing to do....worried now x

This man is a serious fruit loop, and he is messing with your mind. You really need to tell him to fuck off. Diet coke addiction my arse.