why does he act so cruelly :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

Please don't worry too much tonight; he's already fucked with your head, you don't need to give him any more space tonight. (Though you will, I know, it's impossible for you not to. :( ) But do phone 101 in the morning, and call Women's Aid too, just to chat, and help clear your head.

If he's bipolar, that's something only he can deal with, with the help of his GP/experts. You are not responsible for sorting it out. Don't make excuses for him, either.

This relationship is not making you happy. Why continue?

OP - so, he talks to you for hours about him and his problems, but can't be bothered to listen or give any sympathy to yours.
Then when you decide not to give him that air-time, he decides that it is your addiction to diet-coke that is the problem, not him at all, oh no. He's grabbed something that he knows is a 'thing' in your head - you know its not good for you, and he reckons that instead of you being fucked off with him being a USING BASTARD, it's the 'addiction'. It couldn't possibly be because he treats you like a doormat, cruel and uncaring. No, it's def the coke.

As for the 'recording'- who cares? Who cares if he's been recorded before? Or if he's seen it on a film or tv. Who cares?

This relationship has run its course. He doesnt care for you, and prob never did. He is no good for you.

Please concentrate on getting yourself better - without him. Vent on here instead. (Ditch the coke!)

He is definitely trying to mess with your mind, and also twisting everything to make it all your fault.

Diet coke? Well, certainly cut down if you want to but I have never heard of a drink that makes the person not drinking it behave badly. Utter tosh. Laughable.

Ignore ignore ignore! Easier said than done, I know.

just had a message saying my lifestyle re the amount of coke I drink is obscene and sometimes u have to be cruel to be kind....or just be cruel for the sake of it! oh and if I changed that then he would treat me nicely....its all so bizzarre and if it wasn't so upsetting it would be laughable x

If you were snorting coke he might have a point, but drinking the foul concoction it... nah.

A friend of mine once took up with another acquaintance. He loved her, he truly did, and if only she'd stop smoking, change her job, give up her pets and move house, everything would be perfect. (I saw the texts, there's no exaggeration. I was , had no idea he was like that!)

Yeah, that's how it panned out. Or she might have stayed single.

She has a lovely springer spaniel, btw.

Absolutely, oldlady. If it wasn't the diet coke, it'd be something else - you addiction to, I dunno, chips, or hoovering wrongly, or breathing too loudly, or shopping .... etc etc etc. He simply despises you, and all women.

It is laughable.

Change the contact name on your phone to 'cokehead' or something, so you can laugh at him every time he sends a pathetic, whiney, blamey and quite honestly stupid message.

thanks ladies :) he did ask whether we were still going away for the weekend on friday....I had to reply as wanted to say.....You're behaviour and total lack of any kindness atm really freaks me out...I don't think it would be wise to be stranded in a caravan in wales on my own all weekend with someone whos so delusional they think I'm recording thier phone calls....
made me feel a bit better sending that :) x

Fantastic reply, I love it! You're right, you don't want to be isolated with him for the weekend, don't break on this one, don't wobble. He'll try all sorts of bullshit to make you change your mind, he's been looking forward so much to snuggly cuddly time together, didn't you say you wanted that...? And/or there will be some other crisis only you can help him through, and/or what about the money he's paid up already... Guarantee it, these plonkers operate to a script.

Make some other plans for your weekend, perhaps visit distant friends, or even sort out a few DVDs and bubble bath, whatever you like. I'm guessing the dc are away?

I'm sitting here smiling, you sound so much stronger.

Kell - great job!

Now, what can you do this weekend that is better than spending it in a caravan, in a field, in Wales, in November with a dickhead?

What worries me is that you said you would try and change the amount of diet coke you drink. By all means stop drinking it [it is vile stuff] but do it for you, not to keep him.

Have you woken up to the fact that the person you thought he was is a front? This is the real him, controlling and weird...

if and when I do cut down on diet coke it will be my decision as I know its not a great vice....I said to him last night this sounds like a very controlling conversation and he said he was disgusted I thought that when all he was trying to do was care! x

Disgusted when you stand up for yourself. Uh huh.
Gaslights* you. Uh huh.

*Gaslighting: when he tells you your experience is the total opposite of what actually happened, to the point that you question your own judgement/sanity. He does this a lot, doesn't he? Says horrible things to you, but "only because he cares." If he cared, he wouldn't say those things in the first place.

Has he responded to you message about not going to Wales at the weekend?

(And have you got those blasted test results back yet?)

Hmmmmm, weekend away? Well, only if I can bring a tanker of diet coke and hook myself up with a drip.....

What a revolting man he is.

hey....never heard of gaslighting but this is exactly what he does!! I often think is it me going mad coz I think the conversation went alot different to how he said it did....no test results chased doc today :( x

and yes he phoned about 3/4 times after my msg....I didnt answer n hes text a few times which I havent replied to going on about this was his opportunity to show me he will be like I want him to be, had nice things planned to spoil me etc....I doubt that very much! x

narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Have a good, long read at that link, kelell. It won't all apply to you and this man, but I'll bet a few bulbs light up in your head as you read.

He may well have planned a few nice things for you this weekend. He might even have given you the first one - maybe, "Hey, I bought champagne, isn't it romantic drinking it out of plastic cups, listening to the wind whistle round the caravan and the rain lash off the windows, while we're cuddled up all snug and warm?" But then you'd do or say something "wrong", and the other planned treats would be withheld as "punishment". "Well, I was going to massage your feet with scented oils, but you said/did X so now I won't".

Cue you apologising profusely etc; I'm sure you're familiar with his script.

its like you have been watching a video of my life lol....thats exactly what he would do....will look at that link once my babys asleep....thank u :) you ladies kindness and taking the time to talk to me means alot x

Diet coke? The guys a bloody nutter!

just read the link .... its very true but made me really sad...it could be written about him right down to withholding any kind of affection...ive always thought he likes the ego boost when I ask for a cuddle n he constantly says no x

I'm sorry it made you feel sad, but hope it strengthens your resolve not to go away with him at the weekend.

And maybe think a bit more about dumping his sorry arse once and for all.

its not your fault it made me sad....it just showed me how weak I am and how worthless in his head x

But read the last bit.

"Don’t underestimate the power of recovery of these people; the fact that they have survived such extreme abuse is testament to their strength and determination"

He is 'training' you not to express your feelings when you want comfort. You tell him - he barks you down - eventually you dont bother - he's happy

very true :( my stomachs in knots tonight that I fell for this crap, that it happened again with another man I thought was kind and caring and feel like I def shouldnt trust my own judgement again men wise x

You're not weak, kelell, many, many people have been abused by people like him. My best friend was, and neither of us noticed to begin with.

They're plausible in the beginning, charming, even, till they have you hooked. It shows that you have a caring and compassionate nature, because even now you want to help him, don't you?

But Annarose is right to point out what she does - you too can come through this, because you are strong. You noticed something was wrong, and you sought help, he's fucking with your head but you're still strong enough to say "No", even when you weren't quite sure why.

Head up. You're better than him, and you deserve better than him, too.