why does he act so cruelly :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

Morning pet. You don't need to argue with him, you know you can't win as he'll twist everything against you. Just quietly move on. You can end a relationship without explanation, you don't live together. He's showing his true colours now by sending you literally mixed messages when you dare to ignore him the way he ignores you.

Honestly, being a strong and brave woman feels good. You absolutely can do it.

he just phoned again n a msg saying hes worried about me ( yeah right! ) I didnt answer as dunno what to say...
you ladies advice means alot and just to have someone to talk to :) feel like I'm being needy now to people in here tho rather than him but hope it doesnt come across that way :( x

You're talking as though you hope he's going to change (if you ignore him etc). You sound as if you're hoping he'[ll come up with the goods, be a decent person...

But he's not going to. He's not interested in you. He uses you and that's all he's interested in, what you can do for him. How many hours have you listened to his drivvle problems? How much does he owe you if he was paying 40ph (average rate for a therapist)? yy in relationships we offload but it has to be equal. He's just dumping on you. You're a dumping ground. he is not interested in you at all. He says 'he misses talking to you'. I bet he does. It's all he does, he's not interested in you talking to him.

You say you've moved from your friends - how come? Did you move to be with him?

I'm a very easy going person and have learnt thru past relationships to not ask for alot back but a bit would be nice.... This is a worrying statement. Sounds like you're used to shit relationships - why is that? He uses you because 'you're easy-going' (he probably can't believe his luck, someone to dump on endlessly). Look, relationships are equal, there's give and take. You don't 'not ask for a lot', you ask for, expect, an equally supportive deal between you both. As it is he's taking the (giant) piss and bleeding you dry, getting angry when you dare to have your own legitimate needs.

What on earth has happened to you that you accept rubbish like this?

It's not coming across like that at all. Don't worry about that. There's always someone here to listen

Well done in the ignoring. I'm hoping it's starting to make you feel powerful and in control. It will get easier the longer you do it.

'needy' is very different to 'having needs'. We all have needs - and we can expect supportive people in our lives to support us when we have needs. You sound the very opposite of needy, to the point you ignore your needs. Are you embarrassed to have needs?

It sounds like you're saying 'don't worry about me, I'm nothing and no-one'. He believes you! Gets angry when you act differently to 'don't worry about me, I'm nothing and no-one'. Then you want him to give you just a little cuddle, just a tiny bit of support, then you'll be fine and back to supporting him to the hilt.

He was not worried about you when you rang to TELL him what was wrong, he hung up. He could not take that "shit". Please dont forget that.

He is only worried now that you dont want to talk to him, because HE seems to be losing control, and your listening ear.

Please dont prolong this. All you have to say is "I think it is best we part ways, this relationship is not working for me, please dont contact me again" And mean it.

my ex husband was controlling/violent/unpredictable etc...I knew exactly how to behave so not to set him off and my needs or emotions just fell by the wayside I guess as I didnt want to cause arguments....
maybe that's why I don't expect much??
This guy isnt violent or controlling but obv I am not telling him my feelings so as not to cause arguments :( I love doing nice things for him and making him feel loved but I wish he would just for once put the effort in to make me feel the same...

This guy is controlling. He is absolutely, 100% controlling.

He's controlling your emotions, he's controlling your head. He's controlling you right now because you've spent the entire morning thinking about him.

It actually worries me that you can't see he's controlling. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but can't you see how much you're jumping to his tune?

When you broke away from your ex, did anyone talk to you about the Freedom programme? I don't have personal experience but it's talked about on here a lot.

Have you done the Freedom Programme ? Your guy is being emotionally abusive - don't underestimate emotional abuse, it is right up there with physical abuse. I'm sure you've experienced both ( ). I've linked where to find a group near you. My guess is you have a lot of trauma that needs addressing. The reason I know that is because you have gone straight into another abusive relationship. Largely, probably, because you have no idea how to get your needs met, lovely.

Being nice nice nice to him isn't going to get him to be nice to you - as you have seen. You're pouring all your lovely love and care into an old rag - he simply won't return it. He's getting ALL his needs met and is entirely uninterested in meeting your needs, which he calls "shit".

Thank you for the link ill have to have a look :) wish I was strong enough to just tell him everything I feel rather than just ignoring him coz I hate confrontation and know ill end up apologising anyway as that always seems to happen somehow ... x

In your third post, just before 2am Tuesday morning, you realised things had been better recently because you'd learned to tiptoe round him. This morning, you say of your ex that you'd learned how to behave round him so as not to set him off... Do you see a pattern there? The current bf may not be physically violent to you, he may not have explosive rages, but he is controlling how you behave. He may be better than the last one, but he still isn't good enough.

You deserve much, much better.

He is what he is and it doesn't sound as if he will change any time soon. So you must decide if this is the person you want to continue to have a relationship with or not. Why does he act the way he does. Who knows. But it's enough that he does.

This:

*What you have is not normal. It's not how a relationship should be. You should be in the honeymoon period. It only gets harder from here on in.

Tell him that you have had enough of being supportive and getting nothing back and that you don't want to see him ever again. He will show you how loving and supportive he is capable of being. But you know what? All that tells you is he could have been doing it all along, he chose not to. Words mean nothing. Actions are everything. He will spend a short time being who you want him to be to reel you back in. You know who he really is. Don't fall for more lies!

There are lovely men out there. Don't waste your time on a horrible one. Being alone is better than being actively hurt and ignored.*

There is no need for confrontation or apologies.

Just text him and say "I've been thinking a lot over the last few days and I don't feel this relationship is right for me any more. I don't want to keep on seeing you. Best of luck for the future."

It really, really, really can be as simple as that.

Hi op. I'm really sorry about your illness and the physical pain you're in. I hope you get some support from mumsnet for that too.

I've read your thread. You come across as a lovely caring intelligent woman who unfortunately has had some bad luck with men. But who hasn't eh?

You're in the right place here darling. I hope you get the strength to do the right thing and ditch this loser. There's a better man out there for you petal

"This relationship does not work well for me. It is over." The more you try to explain, the more likely it is that he'll persuade you that you're wrong. You don't have to explain why or in what wayit doesn't work. He already knows as you've tried to tell him before, and now he's put on the Cloak of Pretending to Care, which shows that he knows. He knows, he really, really does. And he will drag you back in if you give him the tiniest little chink. So don't. Don't give him an inch, don't engage at all.

Send the text, then block him.

Investigate The Freedom Programme. It will help you see what these guys do, how it works, and help you raise your own esteem and what you deserve so that you don't get dragged in or taken in again.

Just because you were once with a Grade A bastard, doesn't mean you have to settle for a Grade B bastard.

You could not be with a bastard of any grade. You could have a happy life instead! Choose that

You dont owe him a relationship!

You also dont need his permission to end it!

I know I don't owe him anything but in some stupid way I miss the bits when we did have a laugh .... I know saying everything will be fine if I don't mention my feelings is not a way to live tho....
expecting I may have a letter when I get home with my test results...scared now :( I said days ago id ring him as soon as I got letter....but I won't now x

feel sick at the thought of going home tonight to potentially my test results letter...an empty house and not even him to talk to as a bit of ( albeit halfhearted ) company :( x

Good luck, let us know if your letter is there, will you?

I know, but imagine a relationship where you can have a laugh all the time, even when things aren't going well. That's exactly what a supportive relationship is like, it doesn't make you scrabble around for crumbs.

Call one of your friends who lives far away. I'm sure they'll be glad to hear from you.

no letter when I got home...wish it would just hurry up so I know one way or the other...x

Have you chased it with the surgery/hospital? Did they say it would be there today? Hope that whatever the results, when they come, they are helpful in getting your health sorted out. Nothing looks better when you're ill.

Are there things you could be doing which could help improve your health, like resting or trying to cut down on stress? You can have some very lovely stress-free evenings in a bath with chocolate and wine, you know......

I havent chased it no...They said normally 7 days and I had the test last wed so its 8 days now...hopefully tomorrow! was hoping they would rush it through a bit as they said I needed tests done urgently but it will take as long as it takes I guess....
Don't think stress helps in the fact that I get more upset...I never used to get stressed and was always chirpy but being in pain n him making me feel worthless on top has broken me a bit tbh :( x