why does he act so cruelly :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

It's brilliant isn't it emmalouise? I had my perspective changed about five years ago and I'm so grateful. There's no way I'd have the confidence I have now, the great relationship, the communication I have in the relationship. Stick around OP, it's so worth it :)

The hard thing to realise when you are a nice person yourself is that not everybody is like you and thinks about others. It's especially jarring when you feel like you've got to know someone and you thought that they were a nice person, to realise that actually they're really self centred.

The problem is that although you've probably seen times when he can be kind, vulnerable, generous, funny, loving, just as a person who is generally nice can be selfish, moody, mean, grumpy, we all have these strains of good and bad, it's not as easy as a cartoon villain type idea. When you look at the root of his personality, he's not caring about you as a boyfriend should care, but he's also not even affording you basic human compassion as another person.

I bet his ex isn't actually as bad as he makes out, too. It's just his totally skewed perspective on the world. He's important, so why shouldn't everyone treat him that way.

Buy a copy of the book "Why Does He Do That", it will give you an insight into his mind.

Its all about him!

This may open your eyes a bit!

His relationship with his ex seems bitter and I think that probably he just doesn't have the emotional energy to give to you. When you hold so much bitterness for a person like he seems to do then it leaves little space in your life for anything or anybody else.

Seems like you may be the transitory relationship to get him over his previous painful relationship and maybe at a different time in his life you might have gelled better, but life's too short to be that transition person and waiting for him to be the man you want him to be.

ive seen him be compassionate so I know he can do it...hes a fantastic father n worships the ground his child walks on, has them 50% of the time without fail and more if his ex would let him....I do agree with him his ex is awful ( seen it with my own eyes ) that she will try any trick in the bpok to bring him down...stopping comtact with his child etc which I feel really feel for him for but I cant do anything about this apart from ve there and support him and listen to the hours of upset and moaning on phone....I'm a very easy going person and have learnt thru past relationships to not ask for alot back but a bit would be nice....
he says give it time things will get better coz they have since I went away just bear with him etc but I dunno how much things will change?
He just rang....I said he had upset me last night he told me he can't listen to this today I'm acting stupid and was last night, why do I have to carry things on etc...Then he put phone down :(

And so he is continuing to teach you how to behave if you want his crumbs of affection.

Question is - what are you going to do about it?

Do you know what it took me a long time to realise?

The compassion is an act. It's playing. The nasty, uncaring side of him is the real him.

And just because he's great with his children, doesn't mean he cares about you.

As someone else said upthread, I believe, and as I remind myself on a regular basis, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Just because you've seen him be compassionate, doesn't mean he is compassionate. Haven't you ever acted out of character?

How is his ex stopping contact if he has them 50% of the time? Be careful. Every trick in his book can be the actions of a desperate person trying to protect their child, or someone trying to work out a mutually convenient arrangement, rather than totally convenient to him. (Of course, she could genuinely be awful, but be aware he's going to see it differently to a balanced outsider).

Does worshipping the ground your child walks on = being a disney dad? Because I certainly don't worship my DC and I don't think it's good parenting to raise them up to that level.

I'm sad to hear that you've learnt not to expect much from relationships. That isn't right. You should expect love, support, sympathy when you're having a hard time, and not only that but respect, for someone to make time for you, for them to improve your life, for their view of you to lift you up and give you a new, more confident perspective on yourself that you've never had. It's not a relationship when you're putting in, consistently, far more than you're getting out. That's one sided.

They always say "things will get better". What things? How? They never give specifics, mostly because they don't intend to change anything at all. They tell you this vague wishy washy kind of promise either because they don't really know what you want or what they're supposed to do (but don't put any effort into finding out, either, even just asking which would be a start, and when you try to talk about it they cut off discussion or turn it around and make it your fault) but also because they can't really be bothered to make any changes when the relationship is working perfectly well for them without any extraneous effort on their side. He's still getting your sympathy, your support, your confidence in him, not to mention attention, sex, etc. (That's also why he's annoyed when you're ill or upset or need something from him, BTW, because you needing him not only expects him to actually do something and put some work into the relationship, but because it means you're less able to do that stuff for him.)

This is not what a relationship is or should be.

"I'm a very easy going person and have learnt thru past relationships to not ask for alot back but a bit would be nice"

I was going to ask you what you have learnt about relationships to date because I am certain you have learnt a lot of damaging stuff along the way; the above comment is indicative of that too.

This man you're currently with acts like he does also because he can and is basically dragging you down with him.

Such men are manipulative and he knows precisely what to say to you to keep you hooked in. You were likely targeted by this man and he saw your all too low self worth all too clearly. You stood out to him like a beacon.

Such men do not change; not all abusers are abusive all the time (because if they were no-one would be with them). He can do nice/nasty well but its a continuous cycle.

I doubt also that he very much worships his children as well because this man only loves his own self and wants to be his woman's number 1 priority at all times. He thinks nothing of his ex or his children really.

he prob wont bother calling or messaging even to check I'm ok even tho I was crying in pain when he put down the phone last night

For reasons known only to him, he finds your suffering irritating and has no patience for it. It is a truly horrible trait in a partner. If you really love someone, you care about how they feel and want to make sure they are okay. You deserve much better treatment that this!

Even worse he might actually enjoy it.

Anyone who calls you stupid just because you've said what you think is not worth wasting your time on.

He isn't showing you compassion. I would bet he's never shown you compassion.

What he does is show you just enough of what you want to see to reel you back in to him. You went away for a while, you were thinking of leaving, you started to detach - and he showed you just enough FAKE compassion to reel you right back into the relationship.

ANYWAY - over and above what I think of him, relationships aren't supposed to be this hard.

if he can be great "sometimes" then he obviously can turn it on and off voluntarily

he has decided you are not worth being a decent person for 100% of the time

if you accept this, it is all you will get

I got as far as the hours of moaning and groaning.

Genuinely compassionate people are compassionate all the time. When they get given too much change in a shop, they give it back. When they hear of a friend in need, they feel bad and offer support. When they see an animal suffering, they want to help it. When they themselves need support, they feel bad about how it burdens others. Yes they may be selfish on occasion - because they are human, and sometimes your own need is greater than somebody else's. The way that somebody acts in small ways is their true personality.

Likewise a selfish person keeps unneeded change. Feels unmoved by seeing somebody in pain. Would only help someone out if it made them look good. Wants to know what is in it for them about most, if not all, situations. Yes they can show compassion on occasion. Because they are still human despite being selfish, and because sometimes showing compassion works in their favour.

When you are trying to tell him you are worried about your health and in pain he switches off and is bored and uninterested. Some people just can't handle other people talking about their worries or concerns and your fella is one of them. You have your health to consider at the moment plus your children so why not take a break from him and give yourself some time to think this through carefully. Perhaps you won't just end the
Relationship but you could just let it naturally fizzle out. I hope to goodness it turns out that there is nothing wrong with you physically but what is going to happen if there is? He is not going to be there to support you in any way. He has his kids whom he loves but although he may care about you he does not make you feel valued and cared for and, as you have only been together just over a year, I would say that is very worrying indeed.

Just leave. Move on. Ditch him.

Don't knock yourself out trying to understand why he behaves so badly and doesn't give a shit about you and your feelings.

You'll find someone much nicer to spend your time and life with if you have the courage to end this miserable - nothing in it for you - relationship and move on.

Good luck! Just do it!

So you told him upset you and he said (in so many words) "Tough, get over it. I will not apologise, you will have to get over it and I wont speak to you until you do. Get back in your box of "shoulder to cry on"

Ditch the fucker.

I can't believe you kindly humour him for ages on the phone but he can't handle you requiring tests and needing a bit of sympathy for a health issue currently beyond your control, what a selfish man. "Chill" indeed.

Earlier disappointments with partners may have left you not daring to 'rock the boat' by asking for more considerate behaviour. If you don't expect to get as good as you give, people like your current boyfriend will just keep taking and taking expecting you to put up with it!

After this morning's call, I'd be rethinking a weekend away with him especially if you need to make plans for childcare. Save that time for happier times when you are with someone who treats you right.

Hope you get a diagnosis soon so the medical side of stuff gets addressed, take care.

Life is too short.

This man is taking up space in your life that could be filled in happier ways - a nicer man, time on your own or with friends, quality time with your children. Get rid.

hey ladies been out for the day with my kids to try n distract myself from whys he being an arse! lol....he did just ring and I answered as ignored his earlier call .... I was quite short with him on the phone tho no when r we seeing each other, miss u etc like he knows I normally say n then said I had to go as my kids needed my attention....he was all ok love u miss u loads ill call u in a bit before I went....hes not normally like that but realise its prob only to draw me bk in as he realises maybe hes pushed it too far last night n this morning....x

So, are you drawn back in ?

This is the nice/nasty cycle and you are currently the hamster on that particular wheel

No not drawn back in as I can see he only gives a little bit of affection when he feels hes pushed it too far therefore its not genuine affection is it its just a carrot to try get me to not walk away....I genuinely think he wouldn't want to loose me ( as I provide so much support ) but doesnt actually love me and have told him this ....x

You have your uses then ? (in his eyes)

Gosh, that must feel horrible