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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why does he act so cruelly :(

217 replies

kelell17 · 28/10/2014 01:05

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/10/2014 11:29

:( You're not moaning, that sounds miserable. Do you have any female friends or a family member you can call? Even a friend at work who would give you a hug? Stupid boyfriend.... Someone should be there for you!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 12:20

How is work going, OP ?

Can you try and treat yourself to something nice for lunch ? Is there anyone you can talk to at work...it must be clear you are not yourself x

ChickenMe · 29/10/2014 12:31

This guy sounds useless as a partner. The problem is, as you have said, your expectations are low so this kind of behaviour becomes normalised as it is what you are used to. But you're unhsppy so a tiny voice is telling you it's not normal. Listen to that voice!
If you like reading I'd recommend why men marry bitches and why men love bitches. The titles sound scandalous but the books are amusing and not about being a bitch, just about being strong minded.
My friend is married to her useless partner. He is the guy who turns his back on her when she is crying, walks away when she needs help, laughs if she is in distress. He clearly dislikes her. He is getting worse not better because he has been getting away with it for a while now and has become brazen. Don't end up pregnant/co habit ing with your man. It hurts to walk away but it will hurt more if you don't

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 12:46

I'm back at home now had to take half a days leave as my stomach so sore....my kids r away this week so its very lonely here ... Not looking forward to all night sat alone without them to occupy me but its nice being able to come on here n chat to u lovely ladies :) x

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 12:48

There is always someone around on MN.

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 13:07

just wanted to add thank you to everyone thats offered advice...just talking about it is invaluable n hope I can help other people on here too x

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub · 29/10/2014 15:44

If your kids are away tonight, treat it as pamper time for you. Switch off your mobile, disconnect the landline. Have a long soak in a warm bath, relax with a glass of wine or hot chocolate or whatever you enjoy. Snuggle yourself up on the sofa and watch whatever you want (bet he controls the remote when he's there, eh?) or listen to music you like and lose yourself in a good book. The aim is to let today just wash away, just for tonight, just for once be totally self-centred and turn all that care you usually give him on to yourself. You are a good person, and a good mum, and a good worker. You're thoughtful and considerate, take tonight to look after yourself.

And have a wee weep as well, or allow yourself a full on sobbing session, get the grief out. For you are feeling grief, for the man you thought you knew but who doesn't care about you, for the life you hoped you'd have but which is fading away. It's ok to feel sad about that, we all have unfulfilled dreams, and everyone has a touch of the "What ifs" in their lives. Just for tonight, let go of them.

Your worries will still be there in the morning, they don't need to be nursed tonight.

With your health issues, is it that you fear you have a particular condition (you don't need to tell us what that is) or that you have a number of unexplained symptoms?

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 16:20

ur right :) wont turn my phone off tho as I like coming on here but will ignore calls / msgs if I get any and not contact him....dont think it will do him any harm to be ignored for a while :) x

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub · 29/10/2014 16:35

Good for you. :)

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2014 16:58

Hello OP

First of all, I am so sorry you're poorly. I hope you can find some answers about it soon and feel better. Being in pain is just so exhausting. You must feel wrung out you poor thing

Noone in a relationship should "wear the trousers" in the sense that they are in charge. Or, as I suspect he means, that one should love the other more. In a good strong relationship you support each other. You are sometimes the one that needs support. Sometimes the supporter. Sometimes you both need support and you help to prop each other up.

He only wants it one way doesn't he? And that's not a partnership at all.

ImpossibleGirl · 29/10/2014 17:18

How about changing his name in your phone to TwatChops, SpoiltBratFace or similar, so every time you see it come up you roll your eyes and don't feel compelled to answer or respond ...

captainmummy · 29/10/2014 18:04

Oh op -is he your best friend? Because if he isn't, there is no point.

You should be with your best friend; everyone should.

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 18:43

sometimes when its good hes like my best friend but I seem to easily annoy him so it doesnt last long :( x

OP posts:
captainmummy · 29/10/2014 19:27

So - No, then.

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 20:02

No I guess not....best mates wouldnt treat each other like crap x

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 20:07

Quite

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 20:37

just had a msg saying are you ignoring me? I love u n hate not talking to u....I havent replied and am not going to even tho no doubt this will be used against me if I ever moan he ignores me...cant win!

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 20:44

Nope, you can't win so there is zero point in engaging.

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 29/10/2014 23:06

No, you can't win, and that's the point. Keep on ignoring - well done for ignoring so far - and he will try to reel you back in. Promises of reform, extravagant declarations of love, pretences of sadness etc etc etc. Flowers, calls, loving texts, all that stuff you actually wanted from him but he withheld. When he suddenly starts doing it, don't make the mistake of thinking he's changed, think instead "why wasn't he doing that all along?" (And you know the answer is because he just couldn't be bothered unless he absolutely had to).

The truth is he's had you trained, has spent a lot of time and energy getting you where he wanted you and doesn't want to have to start again with someone new. Much easier to just get the old one back in the box.

Don't let him.

Thanks
JuxtheDaemonVampire · 29/10/2014 23:07

And remember, as long as he's around, you won't meet a genuinely nice guy.

kelell17 · 29/10/2014 23:18

soooo true! and thanks :) ive had all that tonight....by txts from him...That I havent replied at all.. plus the occasional one thrown in saying not gonna bother as ur obv in a mood then 10 min later saying pls talk to me....I havent tho ive spent tonight doing things I never have time to do as I normally spend my entire evenibg after kids in bed listening ( not chatting ) to him...I say its not chatting as I pretty much say nothing n just listen to him moan about his problems...
tonight has been quite refreshing tbh! I hope he's worrying about me for once tonight but hes prob not!

OP posts:
JuxtheDaemonVampire · 29/10/2014 23:51

So, now that you have some free time in the evenings, what would you like to do with it? Maybe a course of study (any career development things you've thought "that would be nice, but...."), or a hobby you have an interest in? You meet lots of people when you join a society or club. Maybe there's something where you meet up at weekends in the day, and can take the children to, which could also involve you reading up on, or making things for, which would take up a few evenings? I don't know, a historic re-enactment thing, or something. (Sorry, it's late, brain not working!)

OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub · 30/10/2014 00:51

Sooo glad to see you've kept him at bay! And yes, as Jux says, what else could you be doing with your free time, other than listening to him whinge?

kelell17 · 30/10/2014 08:04

morning ladies....gonna go bk into work today even tho I'm not feeling well but dont want to mope around the house lol
feel a bit sad this morning...dunno y as felt good last night but I do miss speaking to him and know when/if I do now I will have to explain why I ignored him last night and it will start all the arguing off again :(
hope everyone has a good day x

OP posts:
captainmummy · 30/10/2014 08:11

Well you could tell him that you didn't feel like listening to his problems last night, and that as no one else seems to put your feelings first, you thought you'd do it for yourself? And if tell him it will happen every night, unless he shapes up, or ships out.

End of arguments. It he wants a sounding board, he needs to give, not just take.

Though personally, I CBA trying to change him. Move on.