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Original poster

Take him back? After 3years?

336 replies

Undecided1999 · 24/10/2014 15:06

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

  1. He will miss how she looks
  2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
  3. She is too stressful for him
  4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
  5. She wants him to buy a house with her
  6. The children are not his
  7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
  8. He chooses me over her
  9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday
10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

OP posts:
Gelfbride · 24/10/2014 15:11

Absolutely no way. Nope. Not a chance. Never. As if. NO.

GemmaTeller · 24/10/2014 15:12

Run and don't look back.

He sounds very manipulative.

IrianofWay · 24/10/2014 15:13

Erm...no Shock

JustAShopGirl · 24/10/2014 15:14

RUN!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2014 15:15

Absolutely not re giving it another go with this person. Its not now or never for you, that is not the attitude you should have at all. Being with him at all will stop you from meeting someone who is actually decent.

No trust - no relationship.

Is your self worth really this low that you would even consider giving this another go at all?. I would think long and hard about what you have learnt about relationships to date and start unlearning all the rubbish you have picked up along the way. Counselling for your own self would be helpful as would be addressing any possible co-dependency issues you have.

Stop meeting this man any longer for dinner and delete his number from your phone. He needs to be gone from your life for good, you do not have to be his fallback girl.

stressed39 · 24/10/2014 15:15

He did what ? He patted and said what ?!
Oh girlfriend..... NO WAY IN THIS OR ANY OTHER LIFETIME !
What a pratt !

CheersMedea · 24/10/2014 15:16

1. He will miss how she looks
2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
12. ... he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

splutters

WTF?

Are you kidding me? Basically, he's telling you she's more attractive than you, you need to lose weight and then in the same breath asking to come home.

Er... NO. A BIG FAT NO.

monostar · 24/10/2014 15:17

like someone said...run and don't look back!
I know I would...

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/10/2014 15:20

Christ Almighty. He's done a number on you and your self-esteem if you're considering this!

Definitely get back together with him. If you want to feel insecure and shit about yourself.

Otherwise go no contact with him. You are wasting your time!

CheersMedea · 24/10/2014 15:21

And another thing . . .

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mum

This sounds to me that she kicked him out rather than he left, whatever he is telling you. An adult man leaving voluntarily makes his own plans and does not go to stay with his mother.

Everything you posted about him does not scream "I love you and am begging for another chance with every ounce of my soul" - which is where he should be if he left you for an OW.

My guess is he is at a loose end, needs somewhere to live and is tapping up his old options. If he moves back in with you, I would bet you a large sum of money that within 12 months he will have found someone else and will be out the door. You will be hurt and for no reason. It's all so avoidable.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2014 15:23

Oh HELL to the NO! He wants you to be his 'fallback girl'. Run like hell and never look back. He's poison!!

GoatsDoRoam · 24/10/2014 15:24

Nope.

"I [...] would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good."

Moving on for good is the best gift you could possibly give yourself.

Gelfbride · 24/10/2014 15:24

Oh and he does realise that if you get pregnant your belly will get bigger or is he going to as insensitive as hell about that as well? Block, bin, dump. Start dating if you are worried about being alone but please set the bar higher than this OP. If when please you say no, he will be back with her, telling her everything he has told you.

Get out there among all the other fishies to the point where you look over your fishy shoulder at him and think WTF was I thinking?

GoatsDoRoam · 24/10/2014 15:25

Someone upthread mentioned going no contact, and I second this.

He can keep pulling you back in as long as you don't cut the strings. Cut them - this man is NOT good for your self-esteem.

TallRedhead · 24/10/2014 15:26

One word.

No.

Actually 3 more words....

Run. Away. Fast.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 24/10/2014 15:26

I want him in my life he has been part of it for so long, I'm frightened to lose him completely.

How I feel is that he isn't attracted to me like is his to her, but I am more of the safe option, no kids, nice house, good job, he knows I will treat him right.

I think he is torn really between his dick and his head

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 24/10/2014 15:28

Agree with everyone else. He wanted to "maybe give it another go" and while saying this meets and moves in with someone else. He also insults you. Move on. Block him from your phone etc. This man does not love or respect you.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/10/2014 15:29

He's a twat and you'd be a colossal fool to fall for any of his flannel.

You are worth more that this.

Looseleaf · 24/10/2014 15:29

He sounds awful and bad for your confidence and generally a bad sort. This is no way to treat you and a bit manipulative but without thinking of your best interests, just self gratification really.
I would try and stop all contact if you can. And the right person will love you exactly as you are- I can't believe he told you you'd need to lose weight. What an idiot and he doesn't come out well of what you say about him. Sorry.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 24/10/2014 15:29

He wants to move back in on Sunday, she does want him back he has shown me texts, he was my life when we were together I suppose I feel no one else will love me

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 24/10/2014 15:30

I want him in my life he has been part of it for so long, I'm frightened to lose him completely.

Look, you lost him completely when he left you for another woman. Even after that broke up he didn't come back to you. He went on to another woman.

He is not yours and has not been for 3 years.

The ONLY reason you feel like this is because you made the terrible, terrible mistake of maintaining contact with him. There was no need. You have no children together. He is not your friend. He has not been kind to you and is still not.

It's normal to be scared of moving on particularly if in your head you have been using him as a mental crutch.

But really there are better things out there. Set up a profile of Plenty of Fish today with a flattering photo and you'll see.

GoatsDoRoam · 24/10/2014 15:30

By removing him from your life, you will be freeing yourself from a source of anxiety and negativity. Honestly. Any man who says such bloody hurtful things about your appearance deserves not one single second more of your time, let alone all the rest.

I know it seems frightening, because he is so familiar, but you will be fine without him. Better than fine, I promise.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 24/10/2014 15:31

He can be so lovely to me and times and when we were together I was happy for many many years, but I do feel he is manipulative

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 24/10/2014 15:31

It seems to be all about what he wants and what this OW wants. What you want OP is to get away from this total pain.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2014 15:32

Why are you so frightened of losing him completely. Is this man all you think you deserve.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I would certainly consider counselling for your own self as well as dealing with your own co-dependency issues because this person will destroy you in the end. He's already done a right number on you already, you need to let him go completely now before he completely destroys you. You are not his muse.