Take him back? After 3years?

[Undecided1999]

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

1. He will miss how she looks
2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
3. She is too stressful for him
4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
5. She wants him to buy a house with her
6. The children are not his
7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
8. He chooses me over her
9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday

10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

Hi all,

Quick update

I've been having doubts about the whole situation, that voice inside me will not go away.

Met for a drink with him today, he announces that he doesn't think I'm ready for him to move back in and he's going to rent a flat so we can date and he can prove to me that he loves me and wants me back.

I'm not sure really whether this is an insult or a blessing - I've been down this road before and he met someone else while he was living alone.

He says he doesn't want to see anyone else and he wants us to spend time together, it all sounds sensible, but then again tonight he hasn't text me since I left him at 18.00 no the actions for a man who wants to shower me with attention ans be forgiven.

He's keeping me on the back burner again isn't he? He has no intention of being with only me

He has already met somebody and is still keeping his options open with you.

Open your eyes love and see what a mind fuck he is

Again he wants to see what else is out there while I'm here thinking about him- FFs, he doesn't give a toss about me it's what he wants.

Go off his actions rather than words.

When I was younger i had an ex that I treated really badly. He was my security blanket. I didn't want him but I didnt any one else to have him either. When I was low and feeling bad I would ring/text and he would be there straight away. I'm really ashamed of it but I actually really fucked his head up. Reading your posts about him remind me of myself and my ex. He is using you and he know it and he knows you know it - he will be that supremely confident you will swallow it he won't care.

If he is already back tracking you have already served your purpose eg.. Listened when he was feeling bad.. Sex.... Ego boost (it's all about the ego) he is getting back with ex or he has his eye on some one else .

You will be just a pawn in his game.

Fuck him off

Even if he does want you now (which I'm sure he does for reasons that benefit him) but there comes a point when you realise it doesn't change the past and what he's been doing to you for years (stringing you along, treating you poorly) and you decide you've had enough and deserve better... not giving him the chance to make that decision for you again.

Op you are still letting him decide what happens to you. He has announced that he doesn't think you are ready for him to move in? He had decided to date until he thinks you are ready?
Fuck that. Don't sit about waiting for him to run your life ! Tell him he is NOT moving in, full stop. Then move on. Join a club, get a hobby, do charity work -anything to fill youryour own life with other stuff. Please stop waiting for him to turn into a nice guy, the guy you deserve, the guy in your head. He isn't going to, he never was, and he never will be.
You have him 15 years, then wasted another 3 on him. Don't their away any more of your precious life

Seriously? You even need to think about taking him back. He sounds like a complete and utter tool who is playing you for a fool. The comment about having to lose weight would be more than enough for me tell him to crawl back under his stone.
He sounds like a loser (although there are far stronger words I could use).
Please just tell him to leave you alone. Stop letting him contact you whenever his 'relationships' go wrong.
Move on and find yourself somebody who thinks you're amazing.

Please
Take charge
He is SO selfish
You have to work to get him out of your mind and your life. Please do yourself a favour. Otherwise you will look back and say why did I do it? The signs are there. Good luck .

Is this for real?! Op just keeps repeating the same sorry 'but I love him and can't get over him' story, without making any changes!

OP we are not parrots y'know. After posting here I know mw that we've helped plant the seed of doubt.

The fact he has offered to get his own place is a good thing IMO.

Let him get it and then take it from there. I don't think you have anything to lose tbh.

I think he is torn really between his dick and his head

I think they are the same thing.

please don't touch him with a bargepole

I'm going to be quite harsh...

You do sound pathetic, it all sounds very teen drama. You're choosing to waste your life waiting around for him. It's desperate and embarrassing.

Life is for living, not for moping about hoping that some knobhead might eventually love you more than the women he left you for. He won't by the way, there'll always be somebody better (in his eyes).

You're listening to him listing your pro's and con's and what he'll be missing out on when he gets back with you. What about his pro's and con's, don't be such a fucking doormat. It isn't up to him to decide whether you're good enough for him. You are good enough. Too good.

Do you honestly think pining for him is attractive? Jesus. Get a grip.

I do know this is harsh but it's because I don't go in for all this "he's made me this way, he's made me insecure, he's kept me hanging on" ... Yes, he has but you've let him. Stop letting him. Start living your life.

Right.

Stop.

You know what he's doing. You can see it. You've written it in your posts.

This "man" (and I use the term loosely) is a fucking scumbag tosser.

You deserve better.

The problem here is that you don't BELIEVE that you deserve better.

Kick this wanker to the curb. He is keeping you hanging on and YOU'RE LETTING HIM DO IT.

Don't ever speak to him again, don't date him, don't meet him, don't let him waste any more of your time.

Go out and create a life without him, get a hobby, go on holiday, do online dating and see a counsellor - build your confidence.

In a few years time you could be loved up with a different guy who actually cares about you and treats you right, have a fun life maybe have marriage and kids with him and I promise you that you will look back and think lucky escape about this guy.

Blinking heck. You STILL haven't kicked him into touch. Is he a great shag or something or gives you a full credit loaded card to shop with?

Get real. Get rid.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

undecided, have you actually read any of the absolutely excellent advice you have been given? Please go back and read them again. Then have a shred of self respect and ditch this sorry excuse for a man forever.

Thn go and get on with your life instead of waiting to be 'chosen' again. Sorry if we are sounding harsh on here. Everyone wants the best for you. Not years more tears and sorrow.

Make the break. Stop letting him make the decisions and control you like a puppet. Do it and everyone here will be happy to help you through it.

He will leave you again.

That is all you need to know.

Undecided, have you ever watch When Harry met Sally.

You, at the moment, are very like the Marie character obsessing about her married man. No amount of telling you anything or advice is going to do anything for you. You are going to allow him to worm his way back in and stamp on your heart again and again and again.

YOU need to stop him.

He says he doesn't want to see anyone else and he wants us to spend time together, it all sounds sensible, but then again tonight he hasn't text me since I left him at 18.00 no the actions for a man who wants to shower me with attention ans be forgiven

^You posted the above at 21:51. Why are you so annoyed he didn't text? Why can't you text him if you have something to say? Maybe he had nothing he wanted to text about?

In an adult relationship its a bit odd to think he should be texting every 30 mins to repeat how much he adores you, no? You need to have a think about what you want from a relationship. Who gives a flying fig if he texts you all night while he's off chasing other women at the same time. Geddit?

he is playing you like a priceless stradivarius.

he is also addicted to drama. he loves all these women fawning over him. whispering desperate promises of eternal love and showing you none of the real thing. he's probably doing the same to his ex.

you haven't met anyone else because this guy is taking up all your headspace! kick him out, and you stand a chance of happiness with someone decent.

op, i met a man once very like your man. I remember he openly told me how he had had a relationship with one woman who just did everything for him. It was easy. He had affairs and left her and went back. I asked him why he did that to someone. He replied it was handy.
You i'm afraid are handy, i don't mean to sound harsh.
I couldn't believe what he was telling me. but he said when he met me he realised his behaviour was so wrong and I was the one who was meant to put him on the straight and narrow. He said everything your man said. I actually believed him. I felt he had seen how awful he was and the fact he was so honest with me and open, proved it and proved how open we were. I knew everything.
What i didn't know was a while later he was fishing online. I eventually copped something was up and checked. He said all the lines your man said. I took him back. I thought everything you're going through and I'm a strong woman. I look back and realise how ridiculous I sounded/how childish/ lacking in self respect and for what? A man who just thought about himself. I almost convinced myself that he had changed. again. I wrote on topic boards and didn'tlisten to advice. I kept thinking my situtation is different. Those women don't understand. But in the back of my mind my gut was saying why does he do this to me? i'm supposed to be the one he loved. why cos i let him. I let him treat me this way.
that's what you're doing. he may at one point been a lovely partner. who really knows. but what you do know now is he isn't nice.
i think what stood out for me in what you said is how easily he slipped into family life with one woman and said that the kids would get over it.
He really only thinks of himself. He'll do and say anything to have a handy woman there. And i'm afraid you are her. I understand you're self respect is low/your heart is wanting the man you used to know and everything else you say. but the fact is he's using you and your insecurities/handyness.
one poster here put up what is probably really going trough his mind when he says what he does. i agree totally. what you're hearing is not what he's thinking. it has nothing to do with sex. he can be having sex with other women. instant gratification/ego stroke. you're his meal ticket. you'll do what he says and never question or disobey or ask too much. That's handy for a man like that. How can you wake yourself up? it's tough. but just think... he's treating you this way cos you're letting him.
not the way tolive and to be happy. i guarantee you.
ps i did take my man back and you know what? he didn't carry out promises. They never do cos they don't really mean them. words are cheap with this kind of person.

I am guessing she moved him in today then?

No he hasnt moved in (thank god!) he decided to rent a mates place for a while so we can 'date' and not rush into things - lol - after 3 years!!

We went out on saturday and had a nice meal and a chat, however he tells me he is really tired ( he works in a manual trade) and so i drop him off at his place @ 10.30

I offered to cook him meal yesterday, went to a lot of trouble shopping for items, his favourite things etc, cleaned the house from top to bottom.

7.30 comes and goes, he calls me at 8.10 and says he is sorry he fell asleep, the dinner is now nearly ruined, he says he will come round, he turns up and as i am in the kitchen i dont hear the bell, he calls me to say he is outside, i let him in he doesnt kiss me or says hello, just says he is really cold and wet as he was waiting outside for 5 mins :-/

No flowers no chocolates nothing

We sit down to eat the cold dinner- he eats half, i offer him dessert he says he doesnt want it, he stays for about and hour says he is tired and then leaves.

i got upset while we were eating, he says i make him feel gulity and am always crying, i say he because he always lets me down.I asked him to just tell me he isnt interested and let me go, If he did he wouldnt behave like this, he says he loves me but is just tired.

I am a f*ing idiot, he texts me and tried to call me last night saying he is sorry and today as well....

I dont give a crap what he says, i have given him chance after chance and all i get it is shat on, if he truly loved me he would move heaven and earth to win me back, he cant even be bothered to turn up to a meal I spent a lot of time and money preparing.

And when he does come instead of apologising he turns up with an attitiude blames me and leaves within the hour.

what a c**t

You are asking him to let you go?

You sound like a slave down on her knees begging her master to free her in his will.

Its bizarre. He plainly isn't that into you. You can't guilt someone into loving you, which is what you seem to be trying to do. Endlessly.

Why is it HIS decision? Why must he let you go? Can you not just dump him for good?

You've got to take control of your own life. You know this bloke is treating you like shit, and you're letting him. You can't change him, he'll never value you.

He'll continue to expect you to cook for him, will be rude and take you for granted, and why should he stop of his own accord? The guy has it made! Someone who will look after him, run around after him, do anything he wants and he'll be off chasing some girl. And if she's prettier or dumber or a better cook, he'll move in with her. Basically, you're a surrogate mother to him and he's a surly teenage knob. And you're aksing him to let you go? Jesus.

Take control of your own life. Block him. Tell him to fuck off, work on your own self esteem and you'll look back and realise how lucky you are to have got rid of him.

When you do tell him you're going to block him, of course, he'll suddenly up his game, declare he loves you, buy you those flowers and tell you how stupid he's been. And his good behaviour will last as long as the flowers.

So, block him, get rid of him, be strong, and you'll find someone far better and less manipulative in the future