Take him back? After 3years?

[Undecided1999]

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

1. He will miss how she looks
2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
3. She is too stressful for him
4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
5. She wants him to buy a house with her
6. The children are not his
7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
8. He chooses me over her
9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday

10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

"I suppose he is all I've known for so long and I want to try and make it work I want to believe in him"

It will never work, there is nothing in this at all for you.

This is really the sunken costs fallacy; you've known him a long time that's all. The sunken costs fallacy here causes you also to make really poor relationship decisions. What you forget here is that the damage has already been done.

What you're telling us is just getting worse and worse. You need to dump him for good...I can't believe you'd actually consider getting back with him. What is even more unbelievable is that you'd consider having kids with him!

I get a garage to help eith my car.

Not a selfish twat who makes me feel pathetic and worthless.

As Oprah Winfrey once said,get rid and buy your own flowers.

This is what I don't understand I have my own home, a good job, I'm stable financially, I'm good fun etc etc but in this part of my life I am weak

I would rather be completely alone than with someone who makes me feel unattractive and second best. And who has previously just upped and left and then tried to screw me out of money. Wtf woman! I almost hope you made this up. Just read your OP!

I'm wavering, there is a voice inside me which I can't shake telling me no, but my heart yearns for what we had

You won't have what you had. It's gone. Whatever happens now, it won't be an extension of what you had before, because of what wen on in the last three years (and the affair(s) probably started well before then, anyway).

Why can't I just walk away completely?

You can. If you don't that is your choice.

"he did try to take me to court when he first left didn't get far though"

Didn't he try to get money off his other woman as well when he moved in with her?. There's a pattern here.

At the core of it, I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never meet anyone who will love me again, scared he was my best shot, scared of be alone and having no one in my future

"Sorry I'm blurting this put I'm just so confused, he did try to take me to court when he first left didn't get far though"

It just gets worse and worse.

Sometimes people post on here and they need a guiding hand and gentleness other times people post on here and they just need a good bloody shake. I'd love to come and give you that shake (followed by a big hug after, I am not a monster) but you really do need to toughen up here.

This man is a shit. He is disgusting. He is a user.

I imagine that during the 15 years you were together it was a pretty dreadful relationship?

"in this part of my life I am weak"

Yes you are and you really do owe it to yourself to be happier and to no longer be his fallback girl to this Mr Emotionally Unavailable.

You need to determine exactly WHY you are so weak when it comes to him, will you now consider counselling to unravel all this properly?.

Group shake?

And as for what do you say to him? Either nothing at all and never give him so much as the time of day again, block his number and just blank him. Or else just a good old-fashioned "fuck off."

I want to believe in him

It's all very well to want to ... but DO you believe in him? He left you for someone else. That fell through, he wanted you back. He left you for someone else again. That fell through, he wants you back. What's going to happen the next time he meets someone else he thinks is a better prospect? Exactly the same thing, only next time you'll be a year or two years or three years down the line, with your chances of having kids getting increasingly small.

Even if he did turn out to be your best shot (which I doubt), you're still better off saving your ammunition.

No, no, no. While this man is standing in the way, you will never see how wonderful your life can be without him, and possibly open the door to better, truly fulfilling relationships.

I can see you want children but don't have them with this unreliable twat who doesn't actually care that much for you.

I don't think he wants marriage & kids, OP. He's telling you he does to get back in with you, but if you let him back I would put money on that ring and those babies never, ever appearing.

And I bet all that "own home, good job, stable financially" stuff is very attractive to someone who, in his 30s (40s?) is living with his mum!

Don't sell yourself so cheap! You are worth so much more than him!

"At the core of it, I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never meet anyone who will love me again, scared he was my best shot, scared of be alone and having no one in my future"

These thoughts have come from somewhere and who taught you that piece of complete misinformation?.

He's used you throughout your whole time together.

What you want is something he will never give you. Being at all with this man will never give you what you so want. You will not have any sort of a future if you have this man in your life in any shape or form.

No, no, no.

You will not be happy with this man. He has told you clearly who he is please kisten

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

In fact, the only reason why she's dumped him now is because she wants stuff which he should in all fairness step up to the mark with her, if he's serious. He sounds about 5 saying he'll miss her for her looks (and that unfair to 5 year olds who are probably more mature!).

I suggest if you can that you get some therapy (it helped me with a problem like this). we here can tell you NO all we like but it's your mindset that's got to change.

The relationship was good for a long time, we was wonderful to me but he changed and he seems not to be able to change back.

He says he loves me , I'm so sorry I just help to see my way though this it's all coming to a head

OP of course he says he loves you, he knows that will tug on your heart strings and as others said see him for his good points (wherever they are) and take him back.

FFS I've just seen your OP - he wants you to lose weight etc. The word MUG is written all over your forehead for him.

please for the love of god say no and work on getting your self esteem back so you do meet someone nice who can make you happy!

He says he loves you but words are cheap. He can tell you what you so want to hear and read you far better than you could ever read him. He is truly a master manipulator and you are sadly allowing yourself to be so used.

What did your late parents think of him?.

What if I never meet anyone else, I haven't looked for the last couple of years I've been getting my life on track again

Talk is cheap, OP. Easy to say 'I love you' but it's actions that count.

You're not pathetic, but you do need to grow yourself a backbone where this vile little man is concerned and tell him to get to fuck. And mean it.

This endless to-and-fro with him is actually getting in the way of your chances of meeting someone decent. You do see that, don't you?