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Original poster

If you wrote to the OW asking her to stay away

186 replies

avrilinca · 14/10/2014 14:55

Would you expect a response? Affair has been over for more than a year, but we have remained in (intermittent) contact. I care about him deeply but have been clear that the day is long past when any relationship between us is feasible. Her email is very sad, essentially begging me to safeguard their marriage by blocking him.

OP posts:
InfinitySeven · 14/10/2014 14:56

Oh crikey.

Umm...well, do you feel like replying?

Why are you still in contact with him?

Are you single?

cailindana · 14/10/2014 14:59

That poor woman. I think in your shoes I would reply apologising for my role in the whole sorry business and promise not to contact him again. Then leave it at that.

Why are you still in contact with such a horrible piece of shit?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 14:59

I don't recommend responding but, if I did, I would tell her that she's mailing the wrong person. A marriage can only be safeguarded by the people in it. If she's struggling to trust, it's not in your gift to fix anything.

quietlysuggests · 14/10/2014 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea · 14/10/2014 15:00

I've never been in that situation but as a wife I wouldn't expect a reply.

This is actually not your problem. If she thinks that her marriage needs o be "safeguarded" by YOU blocking HIM, then she probably needs to start talking to her husband a bit more. HE should be the one going no contact with you to save his marriage.

What can you say to her? In her eyes you are the devil. There is no response here that will make her feel better. So I would vote for silence.

TheRealMaryMillington · 14/10/2014 15:01

Be kind
You could reply and tell her what you have said here, the affair is over, although if you are still in contact, perhaps, emotionally, if not physically, it is not.
Or it might be kinder not to reply at all. I don't know.

The saddest thing is, probably, that you are not the problem in their marriage, he is.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/10/2014 15:04

I think you should just reply "I am so sorry. Of course I will block him"

And actually do block him.

Jan45 · 14/10/2014 15:07

Talk about desperate, I'd not respond, give it time, she won't have to worry about keeping tabs on him soon.

inlectorecumbit · 14/10/2014 15:10

Don't reply but l would stop any contact with him.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImperialBlether · 14/10/2014 15:13

This is Jolene, isn't it?

I can't imagine how bad she would have to feel before emailing you. If you have an ounce of humanity in you, write back apologising sincerely and then block him.

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 15:17

Yes, I am single. Totally inclined not to respond - tbh am only remotely tempted to set the record straight, as I know it's helping her (in the short term, IMHO) to think I'm the devil. We're still in contact because he's very, very fucked up (huge childhood trauma swept under carpet, emotionally entirely shut off) and I care about him. It seems at this point the most caring thing I can do is leave him to the control of the person who (it would appear) has always controlled him. It's complicated by the fact an enormous lie she told him 17 years ago has now surfaced. Not my problem, beyond my control. I can't fix this, I can only do more to cock it up and I really, really don't want to do that. I am very sorry for being complicit in causing her pain but I'm not sure it would help her to hear that.

OP posts:
worserevived · 14/10/2014 15:18

Why are you in contact? What are you trying to achieve?

I feel for her, she's really suffering. The kind thing would be to step right out of her life and her marriage, not by sending an email to her but by blocking her DH.

I'm sure she does blame her DH, not you, but people do things when they are feeling really low that they regret afterwards. I imagine her email falls into that category.

Thumbwitch · 14/10/2014 15:19

I think if she screwed her courage together enough to email you in the first place then yes, she probably would like some acknowledgement of it - so I would just very briefly say that nothing is going on between you and of course you will block him.
And do it.

It really doesn't matter if you care very deeply for him - he should be focusing on his marriage or leaving his poor wife to find someone who truly loves her, and at the moment, he's still playing her false by keeping you "on the sidelines" (regardless of how you feel about it, he obviously thinks there is something worth hanging on to) - you are still a third wheel in their marriage as things stand, so please butt out of it.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 15:19

AnyFucker Tue 15-Jul-14 21:22:27

Are you the poster who repeatedly starts threads just so you can talk about your angst, and how difficult it all is, and how wonderful he is really because you actually have fuck-all of any of it in reality ? You pissed people off massively the last several time you did that, if you are she

It's all in your head

This bloke is with his wife and when he feels like it, he will start shagging you on the side too

But only when his wife thinks they are reconciled and you have been put on the shelf for long enough you will be desperate enough open your legs without question and continue to do so for as long as he sees fit

-------------

That is what I posted on your last attnetion seeking, angst-filled, wah-wah it's all so difficult thread

And here you are again, starting another one.

Purpleroxy · 14/10/2014 15:19

I would write back saying simply that you will block him (nothing else) and then do so.

Although as someone has rightly stated above, he needs to be the one safeguarding the marriage, it will still help the wife psychologically to know that he is blocked so if you knew he was married when you were seeing him, them yes I think out of humanity you do owe it to the wife to block him. If you didn't know he was married, then you don't owe it to her but you could do it for her out of kindness. If she feels in any small way better, it may give her just that bit more hope and strength to rebuild their marriage so they can both be happy again.

It's not that I would "expect" a response in the wife's position, it's more that I think I would be grateful for it and as someone else mentioned above re her thinking of you as the devil, perhaps she will be able to tone that down.

Are you willing to block him/do you think they are making progress? You said that you still care for him deeply but if he also still feels that way about you, he won't be fully invested in his marriage. Also even if you've made it clear that no further relationship is feasible, he will still hang onto any glimmer of hope if he loves you and contact may be that glimmer?

InfinitySeven · 14/10/2014 15:20

No, you can't fix this.

He has to walk away, if she is a problem. While you were having an affair, he had the perfect time to do it. On discovery of the affair, he could have gone. He didn't. He wants to be there. His actions speak far louder than his words ever could.

I hate the idea of not replying, if I'm honest, because you're hurting her again. You're discarding her - you slept with her husband, and then you've deemed her unworthy of a reply. But if you can't honestly say that you'll stop contact and you're sorry, then there isn't a reply that would help her anyway.

Stop caring about him. You're getting fucked up by association.

CinnabarRed · 14/10/2014 15:20

So it's not his fault because of his childhood trauma. But it is her fault because she lied 17 years ago and is controlling? Hmm

Just stop the contact.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 14/10/2014 15:20

Fucks sake.

Whether he's 'fucked up' or not its none of your business. Perhaps he'd be more able to talk things through with his ACTUAL wife if you fucked off?

The poor woman.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 15:22

here it is in all it's glory

are we really going to go over all this again

just so you can talk about your "relationship" with this bloke

RightHereRightNow · 14/10/2014 15:23

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2133973-How-would-did-you-handle-this-betrayal

Did you not get the message when you posted back in July??

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 15:24

OP just wants to talk about this shit.

She doesn't even mind if she gets slated. It's all more fuel to the fire of her and her terrible, terrible ^dilemma

Deary me.

Only1scoop · 14/10/2014 15:27

Blimey you must love all this crap.

wannabestressfree · 14/10/2014 15:28

Anyfucker your a ledge :)

Notagainmun · 14/10/2014 15:29

Wow. you are rather mean. I think you like the feeling that you could snap your fingers and he would come running back and his wife is afraid of that, therefore you have some control over her happiness.

You are keeping contact because it feeds your ego. If you really cared you would leave him to sort his marriage out.

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