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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you wrote to the OW asking her to stay away

186 replies

avrilinca · 14/10/2014 14:55

Would you expect a response? Affair has been over for more than a year, but we have remained in (intermittent) contact. I care about him deeply but have been clear that the day is long past when any relationship between us is feasible. Her email is very sad, essentially begging me to safeguard their marriage by blocking him.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 14/10/2014 16:38

TBH, I disagree with Cogito that it will not necessarily stop at one email.
She has made a request that you butt out, not asked you for endless sordid details - so a short but polite acknowledgement and agreement to butt out/block him is only courteous, but make it clear that there is no conversation to be had.
Block her as well if necessary - but if you do, then tell her.

Unanswered requests in these situations can be torture.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 16:40

You couldn't wait to drop that in, could you ? I am surprised you didn't see a golden opportunity between 15:17 and now.

It's none of your business. None.

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:40

That's what I was worried about, thumbwitch. Thanks to all of those taking my request seriously, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/10/2014 16:41

D R I P

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:42

I've asked for that to be deleted. Jesus, AF, what's with the personal hounding? We established I'm not heartshaped, after you hounded me for that on the original thread.

OP posts:
Notagainmun · 14/10/2014 16:42

I really do hope you mean it. Why not send one reply to give the wife a small degree of peace of mind. Any further contact she may make can be ignored.

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:42

Also - sort your logic out. Either I couldn't wait or I did wait.

OP posts:
cherfernandovertigo · 14/10/2014 16:43

Your self-esteem must be very low if you need to seek negative attention in this way.

This married couple's personal issues have nothing to do with you. Stop posting about other people's business on the internet.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notagainmun · 14/10/2014 16:45

You really don't help yourself with the nasty drip feeding.

Whocansay · 14/10/2014 16:45

Crikey. I'm guessing from that bit about DNA, that's how you justify fucking another woman's husband. Nice.

azurepapallo · 14/10/2014 16:45

Avril you seem to be implying that because she lied to him 17 years ago, she deserves the pain he's causing her now?

That's quite an unpleasant thought.

To quote one of my Mum's favourite sayings "two wrongs don't make a right."

If she behaved badly nearly two decades ago it doesn't in any way make his behaviour any less reprehensible now.

In any case, it isn't your business.

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:49

It's not a justification. It's why I was back in contact (he sent me a 15 page letter). That's a big revelation, even if you're a weak, lying cheat.

OP posts:
InfinitySeven · 14/10/2014 16:50

Everyone has their cross to bear, OP.

Hers is that she lied about the DNA of one of her children two decades ago.

Her husbands is that he is a lying, cheating scumbag, who paints a picture of being a poor man who is just too broken to leave, and has women everywhere helping him just for kicks.

Yours is that you've caused a huge amount of damage to a family, and can't let go even when he chooses his wife. You're just waiting for the perfect moment to twist the thumbscrews.

Oh, and my definition of happy? Well, it wouldn't include him, or you. I don't think either of you will ever be happy, you are both glutton for punishment. His wife? I don't know enough about her. But they obviously love each other, or they would have walked away when they both had the PERFECT opportunity too. And the fact that his feet are still under that table says everything. You shouldn't have left yourself on the table as a back up plan to be discarded.

Claim back some dignity.

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/10/2014 16:50

There's only one thing you should be doing and that is to stop contact with him and block him.

Do not reply to his DW. As you eloquently described me in your July thread, I am a BS and I have had my moments when I have been tempted to contact the OW but I haven't and I won't - she is worthless. You have done more than enough damage and are still courting attention on this. Leave them alone.

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:50

And I'm sorry I posted it and the reason I've requested it be deleted is that it's none of our business. I would think that was a shitty thing if it happened to someone I hated.

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/10/2014 16:54

You have no right to give an opinion on orm ptf or jones relationships.You can't seem to cope without drama so get therapy or join AM DRAM society and leave married men and women trying their hardest to make their marriages, damaged by idiots like you, work. Angry

Lioninthesun · 14/10/2014 16:54

He won't change for anyone. The things you have been told about his wife won't be true, but will be his version to make what is happening between you easier for both of you. I do feel for his wife feeling the only way to get him to stay faithful is try to block his OW by contacting them - she clearly doesn't trust him to do it himself. She also is playing a sad game of trying to change a damaged man who will never help himself as long as everyone enables him and plays to his tune Sad

BuzzardBird · 14/10/2014 16:55

It's not your job to punish his wife. They have lied to each other, they are still together. Plenty of other married men out there spinning the same lines if that's your bag.

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:55

How is their marriage damaged by me? I'm not that special, as I said in an earlier post.

OP posts:
Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:56

And thanks for underlining your reasonable position by claiming I have no right to an opinion.

OP posts:
CleaninQueen · 14/10/2014 16:57

If you knew he was married you should of left him alone.
I have no sympathy for you leave him alone and let him and his wife alone to try and talk about their marriage which you ruined

Original poster
avrilinca · 14/10/2014 16:57

I don't want to punish his wife.

OP posts:
cedricsneer · 14/10/2014 16:58

I think you have come to he wrong place to indulge in star-crossed lover, navel-gazing bullshit. I love that mn (and especially AF) doesn't indulge this crap. I totally agree having read both threads that you seem to get a "fix" from exhaustively talking about this stuff.

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/10/2014 16:59

How is their marriage damaged by me

You had an affair with a MM and are still in contact with him!

I'm not blaming you totally, far from it, he made his vows, he broke them but you slept with a MM.

I will not rise to the 'I'm not that special' comment. You could have been anyone who was willing to have no morals.