Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

If you wrote to the OW asking her to stay away

186 replies

avrilinca · 14/10/2014 14:55

Would you expect a response? Affair has been over for more than a year, but we have remained in (intermittent) contact. I care about him deeply but have been clear that the day is long past when any relationship between us is feasible. Her email is very sad, essentially begging me to safeguard their marriage by blocking him.

OP posts:
MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 15/10/2014 11:16

Hi all,

Well this thread certainly set our inbox on fire over night.
Can we please remind everyone, that as an absolute minimum, we request a bit of civility when posting on Mumsnet. It is totally not on to personally attack.

Robust debate and hard to hear advice is fine and can be done in a civil way without resorting to being nasty.

Can you please all bear this in mind when posting in the future?

We will be mailing a few people following posts on this thread. It is not a free for all regardless of the subject matter. Anyone is welcome to post on MN as long as they can post within the Talk guidelines

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 15/10/2014 11:18

@U2TheEdge

Is telling someone to grow the fuck up a personal attack worthy of deletion now? :hmm

Not always but the tone of this thread was particularly nasty on this occasion.

Notabar · 15/10/2014 11:19

Yes, I think it is@U2.

Its immature and nasty.

When people get so worked up over a stranger's life that they have to resort to swearing at others and making personal attacks, seriously time to step away from the computer.

Sallystyle · 15/10/2014 11:36

Well, I think the OP's behaviour is immature and nasty and she deliberately posts stuff to wind people up.

I am not worked up over her life. I don't consider telling someone to grow the fuck up as a personal attack, but obviously that is not my call to make.

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 11:54

Have you read the other thread Rebecca?

Is saying 'For fuck sake' now against the posting rules as well?

Or was it accusing the poster of being self absorbed. Because basically that was all I posted.

... and got deleted?!

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 12:12

Rebecca, I trust you will also be mailing op to ask her to explain why, when the arguments were slowing down, she deliberately posted something inflammatory ?

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 12:13

Twice

yummypickledeggs · 15/10/2014 12:17

Is it always relevant to refer to a poster's previous threads though and use them as 'ammunition'? Not everyone has the time or inclination to trawl through 'search' to read these. It's quite possible to respond to a thread at face value if it's a new question.

'Inflammatory' is a purely subjective observation.

MorrisZapp · 15/10/2014 12:23

Thanks Rebecca.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 12:24

Then by the same token "bullying" is a purely subjective observation

LineRunner · 15/10/2014 12:25

I hate the term 'bitching', btw. Out and out misogyny in my personal view.

RightHereRightNow · 15/10/2014 12:28

Yummy it's a shame the OP doesn't share your views about previous threads; she was very eager to mention name two other threads by other posters causing great distress and upset to the OPs concerned.

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/10/2014 12:28

I'm not sure I agree with bringing up a previous thread, just in the same way that I don't think it is good form to bring in other MNers names into a thread when they haven't contributed to it as the OP did.

The mention of the names was unwelcome and hurtful to the MNers in question but that post wasn't deleted.

Mine was deleted and I answered a question posed by the OP. My comment wasn't directed at the OP.

yummypickledeggs · 15/10/2014 12:29

No - bullying is always clear. It's persistent belittling, criticism, provocative posting in order often to get others onside.

LineRunner · 15/10/2014 12:29

Strange thread, like I said.

RightHereRightNow · 15/10/2014 12:33

Hmm, now we are all clear on what the definition of bullying, perhaps we should also define shit- stirrer: A person who takes pleasure in causing trouble or discord.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 13:25

Indeed, RightHereRightNow

We could go on all day.

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 15/10/2014 13:35

We will remove this thread if this tone continues.

If you have an issue with a specific poster, please do report or mail us.

If you have an issue with our decisions, please do feel free to discuss them with us.

Original poster
avrilinca · 15/10/2014 13:38

Ok - I apologise for naming the three posters, I can see now this was bad form (although it was intended in a positive light). Re the last (my first) thread, it was three months ago and I took away the careful and considered advice and did go NC for over two months. Then got the long letter from him, out of the blue, which was a (thoroughly oblique but recognisable) cry for help. I should have ignored this, for everyone's sake, but I didn't. Circumstances can and do change and I feel a lot of the responses were outdated (and I have duly ignored them). Once again, thanks very much to everyone who has posted in a spirit of genuine concern and out of a motive of optimal resolution for his wife, which is what I asked.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/10/2014 13:41

He sent you snail mail?

Zucker · 15/10/2014 13:55

Any self respecting Romeo would get his heart felt wishes and woes through to his Juliet no matter what.

For what it's worth I hope the wife kicks him out soon and then you 2 can pine your days away together OP.

PrivatePike · 15/10/2014 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuzzardBird · 15/10/2014 14:42

He must be a truly horrible man though OP. His wife's deepest secret shared with you, the woman who was complicit in breaking her heart. You must be able to see that he is pond life? His wife deserves better.

upnotdown · 15/10/2014 16:39

The point is though, he could be the most fantastic or the most disgusting man in the world. OP should cut him off and take herself out of their marriage. (If he was on here asking for advice, then we could tell him to cut OP off - I'm not saying this from a 'poor little man can't help himself and she must be throwing herself at him' stance.)

As for the letter -reply, put her mind at rest, give everyone a bit of closure then run off and have a happy life with an unattached boyfriend.

What happens between MM and his wife after that point is none of your business. You should all be of no consequence to each other and the drama that this is should come to an end.

Tada.

End of Act III.

temporaryusername · 15/10/2014 18:44

This man is very careless of your feelings OP, and clearly though he is still with his wife he is extremely careless of hers. I mean, the fact that she has to ask you to block him, rather than him to block you or be trusted not to contact you, says it all. Just be grateful you aren't the one who ended up having children with this man OP. I hear what you are saying about his childhood but that is not your problem.

Stick to your guns about no more contact, whatever you do. Remember that whatever his wife has done or however bad his past trauma is, it is not your problem and there will never be a scenario where you are the right person for him to contact about it. If you receive any more letters in his handwriting, just mark return to sender unopened.