If you wrote to the OW asking her to stay away

[avrilinca]

Would you expect a response? Affair has been over for more than a year, but we have remained in (intermittent) contact. I care about him deeply but have been clear that the day is long past when any relationship between us is feasible. Her email is very sad, essentially begging me to safeguard their marriage by blocking him.

Hmm, why don't you just butt out of their marriage and leave them alone. Go and find yourself a relationship with someone free to have one. Instead of hanging around and interfering on the edge of someone else's relationship. You must have very low self esteem.

I agree with everything AnyFucker said.
Block him, leave him and his family alone.

You clearly have no intentions of blocking him or you would have done so by now, you are loving the drama, tbh, I think all 3 of you are as bad as each other - you for thinking he actually cares about you and her for actually feeling so panicked to hang on to something (creep) that she's even contacting you in her desperation, talk about scraping the bottom of the bucket.

None of you will be happy because none of you are doing the right thing and behaving with any dignity.

I really feel for you. You are holding out for any shred of hope that you and this man will one day be exclusive.
Sorry, but he has made his choice and it isn't you he has chosen.
The more you dwell on this the worse the situation will become.
I would reply to the email, stating that you are very sorry this affair ever started and that you really are very sorry that both you and her husband started the affair; but, you promise to sever all ties.
Please get counselling; it is free on the NHS,
You need to see that you are in a no win situation, grieve your losses and allow yourself time to grieve for the loss of what you hoped might have been.
You can't " mend" him, only he is able to do that.

Don't name check me and my marriage thanks OP.

My DH is absolutely no contact with the OW, unlike your MM.

If you want to make comparisons, leave him out if it. I'm bloody livid!

You can compare him to my DH's skanky OW if you'd like. Shagging someone else at this year's version of the event they were at last year! And this is allegedly her 4th work place affair we have since discovered.

Your MM sounds as delightful as she is!

My DH couldn't be trying harder to repair the damage his affair caused. And obviously as the affair partner she is still culpable in my eyes, maybe not as much, but I stand by my opinion.

Unlike my DH and your MM, she still continues to behave that way, with no regard for her marriage or her children.

You can justify it with any reason you want, or at least try. You both sound like horrible, selfish people.

Unlike my DH and, much like your MM that should say

Well said Jones....

Feel livid on your behalf.

Jones

Appalling to bring another person's thread in!

I wish I knew the MMs wife. I'd tell her to say 'Off you pop' to her husband in front of you instead of begging you to leave her alone. He'd drop you like a shitty nappy.

The wife clearly is clearly trying to appeal to your better nature, but if you had a better nature you wouldn't be here in the first place, would you.

You are right about one thing though, you're nothing special. You really need to know and actually understand that you could have been anyone. I'm not saying that to be nasty, I'm hoping it goes in and you don't repeat this mess.

Fwiw, name checked those three as the examples I've seen of entirely remorseful husbands. 'My' MM is the polar opposite! And the threads are open, anyone can read them and learn from them.

Well I for one pity you OP, please get some help to build up your self esteem and confidence. Then you will be able to move on and gain some moral fibre, dignity and maybe a man who will love you for yourself not as a bit on the side.
I hope you get the help you deserve soon.

I sometimes wonder if people who hang around others' marriages, sleeping with somebody's spouse, would actually be happy with their own exclusive partner. Because they often thrive on the drama and competition and would find it rather staid and boring to have total fidelity and a simple moral relationship.
Suggest OP you write a very brief reply expressing remorse and promising nc with this weak man. He doesn't sound much cop, but that's their problem not yours.
As for understanding him and feeling sorry for her treatment of him etc. Yuk! Trying to psychoanalyse a man in a marriage is weird and 'self-important'.
You need help and some therapy.

I love Anyfucker.

If your MM is the polar opposite then find some self respect and stay away from him....

Jeez....

Op
The kind thing to do would be to send 1 email to her and say that you have stopped contact. You must also tell her that you don't want to continue the dialogue. And of course she has no reason to believe that you will keep your word on the no contact.

With regard to the OM, even though you are concerned for him, you cannot heal him. You are part of his issues- you are too close, too involved, and you have frankly a vested interest in him not staying married, I assume.

To be kind and caring to him and his wife you should suggest to him he seeks counselling for himself and couples' counselling for his marriage. Then completely disentangle yourself.

Just agreeing with what everyone else has said-he is none of your business, his wife is none of your business, don't reply to her, end this disgusting charade and attention seeking behaviour. Rescue a dog, take up yoga/crochet/baking/hiking/pen palling, anything to occupy your time and mind that doesn't involve other people's marriages.

Oh FFS.

If he was that bothered by the crap he wah wah wah'd to you in his letter of mammoth proportions, HE. WOULD. HAVE. LEFT. HER.

Block him. Leave him. You still want him, you still blame her.

But he's with her isn't he, not you. You want second helpings from some bloke who is with someone else and is keeping you hanging, and you're allowing it.

I can't work out whether you're dim or desperate.

1 I thought it was an article in the making.
2 If its real, write back and say its not up to you to manage her relationship, so your conversation is now closed.
3 What ridiculous comments you have had from regulars. 'Not good enough to be here'? Its an open forum and if you have internet access, and aren't breaking the rules, you're in.
4 I'm 28 years on from the end of my marriage. If you'd caught me in 1986 you might have got a different response!

What makes you think hes telling you the truth about the DNA test? If he can lie to his wife why would you think he is truthful with you? Apologise to her and stay away.

Yes, when did Jeremy Kyle give him those all important DNA results?

No you shouldn't reply to her.

Yes you should cease all contact with her husband. Your affair ended a year ago, he's made his choice, butt out, move on.............

I have no secrets. Everyone in my life knows about this and (to my amazement) every single person has stood by me and stayed in contact and even concerned for my welfare. Perhaps my remorse comes across better in person. Anyway, I'll take their counsel. I came here for a view that I would be quite sure wasn't pandering to me/overly concerned about my feelings. I feel fully satisfied in that regard. (What a bunch of immoral bastards I must be friends with!)

And I'm still not sure what the collective verdict through the red mist of vitriol is but I'm going with no response.

Also - out of philosophical interest, for those of you resolutely on Team Wife: what are your limits?