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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

If you wrote to the OW asking her to stay away

186 replies

avrilinca · 14/10/2014 14:55

Would you expect a response? Affair has been over for more than a year, but we have remained in (intermittent) contact. I care about him deeply but have been clear that the day is long past when any relationship between us is feasible. Her email is very sad, essentially begging me to safeguard their marriage by blocking him.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 14/10/2014 21:06

You didn't get any vitriol from me OP just advice as to what to do in the current situation you mention.

The affair is over. He didn't fall in love with you and leave his wife, he's still with her. He's where he wants to be.
The fact that you are still in contact is the problem. You need to be firmly in the past of that marriage and make yourself scarce. Let go it's over.
Sometimes people fall madly in live when married to others, they leave and make a go of it. This didn't happen here. Leave them well alone to mend and move on and find some dignity and bow out gracefully.

JonesTheSteam · 14/10/2014 21:06

Why are you asking?

It's not like you care?

Just stop contacting him and find something else to fill your life with.

cedricsneer · 14/10/2014 21:12

Um, op I think the consensus is pretty clear - people are fed up with your cod-philosophy.

I think I will disengage because I really feel like I am fuelling some very very toxic fantasy here. Yy to finding a hobby that doesn't involve in obsessing over this stuff. For your own good as much as hers.

cedricsneer · 14/10/2014 21:13

"Involve you"

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/10/2014 21:14

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YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 14/10/2014 21:18

So she lied about her child's parentage? I think that's pretty bad, on a par with sleeping with someone else imo, but it's still nothing to do with you. He's obviously decided that he wants to stay with her, either because he loves her or because he doesn't fancy facing the financial apocalypse of divorce right now. Either way, he is his only priority - not you or his wife.

I think you should reply because she is probably on a knife-edge waiting for your response. Just say you are no longer in contact with him as of now. Tbh if she has to rely on a stranger to police her husband's behaviour she should probably leave him.

You should stop contact for your own sake; you have nothing to gain here and it's getting a bit sad.

temporaryusername · 14/10/2014 21:18

Never contact or respond to this man again. No further discussion needed.

There is nothing in it for anyone involved. No matter what grievances he has against his wife, he has decided to stay with her and it is up to him to deal with his feelings without any input from you. It has nothing to do with you, if he needs to talk to someone about it he should contact someone else - a male friend, a relative, a therapist, or talk to his wife. The only possible result of him having any contact with you is increased pain for his wife and increased pain for you. You clearly need to relegate this man to the past. Then look at why you went along with this.

Why do you need to be any support to him? What good can come from any further contact? He doesn't care about you, or he would not be trying to use you as a convenient easy source of attention and someone to offload to. You shouldn't have got back in contact when you got that letter, show him you don't consider his problems your business by ignoring him.

His wife is right, he is claiming to be trying to repair their marriage but is actually undermining that by contacting you. However as you say, you have no future with him. Stop allowing that, block him. They may not work it out, especially given he won't apologise, admit regret or presumably block you himself. At least it will be their business though, no role for you in this. He is going to make a mess of whatever he is involved with. Leave him to it, and try to help yourself to be someone who won't do the same.

Either block, and don't reply. Or simply reply saying that yes, you agree that you should not be in contact and have blocked him. The End.

temporaryusername · 14/10/2014 21:28

'Team wife' is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what you or we think. Individuals choose their limits in their relationships and he has chosen to stay and so has she. It doesn't matter how wonderful or evil either of them are, or what they do in the future, it is none of your business. He could leave her tomorrow and you should still never contact him. I don't mean that in a nasty way. Everyone, including you, will benefit from ending this whole thing.

I don't like the sound of him because he staying while showing no regret is Shock and contacting you (a woman he can use for a bit of sympathy) to moan about her is Shock. I can't believe either his wife or you are interested.

colafrosties · 14/10/2014 21:33

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Waltermittythesequel · 14/10/2014 21:58

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angryangryyoungwoman · 14/10/2014 22:12

You are obsessed with the situation and it is unhealthy. Get a hobby!

Notagainmun · 14/10/2014 22:13

Every single person in your life has stood by you. Have they really, or is that what you want to believe. They are probably concerned with your mental health and you delusions.

Sallystyle · 14/10/2014 22:20

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MorrisZapp · 14/10/2014 22:25

I wouldn't answer the email. Her problems are with her husband, not with you.

But MN is profoundly sexist on this issue and will blame you for sleeping with a married man. He isn't expected to stick to his vows, or to cut contact after being exposed as a cheat.

Its the 1950s on here on this one issue.

avrilinca · 14/10/2014 22:45

Thanks for the support, here and on pm.

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/10/2014 23:43

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AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 23:53

Every time the thread goes quiet this poster throws another dart.

Best leave it alone everyone, she feeds off the attention.

maras2 · 14/10/2014 23:56

OK.AF. I'm out.

maras2 · 14/10/2014 23:58

Shit,shouldn't have used caps. Blush

ellengeorgia · 15/10/2014 00:01

window ledge?

ellengeorgia · 15/10/2014 00:04

this thread seems to be the anyfucker fanclub!
why? so everyone can join in baiting and bullying the op it seems
nice people on mumsnet yeah

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 00:08

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ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 00:10

ellengeorgia Thu 24-Oct-13 15:10:32
hahahahahaha

Somethings aren't so quickly forgotten. Stop shit stirring & goading.

stolemyusername · 15/10/2014 00:11

You are trying to justify your actions but showing that she's done something wrong too, it doesn't matter HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU and never has.

She's his wife and is appealing to you to leave him alone and let them concentrate on fixing their marriage, she must really be hurting to have done that!

Stop trying to justify being such a bitch and get out of their relationship, as if he wanted to be with you quite simply he would be!

temporaryusername · 15/10/2014 00:20

It makes no difference if the marriage can be fixed or not, or if the OP is being nasty or not - I mean no difference in terms of what she should do, not in general. There is no reason for her to be involved and the obvious only thing to do is cease all contact.