If you wrote to the OW asking her to stay away

[avrilinca]

Would you expect a response? Affair has been over for more than a year, but we have remained in (intermittent) contact. I care about him deeply but have been clear that the day is long past when any relationship between us is feasible. Her email is very sad, essentially begging me to safeguard their marriage by blocking him.

OP, you need to get some help.

I'm not saying it's not his fault! It is.

fuck me, was that thread really 3 months ago? how the summer has flown by.
OP, seriously, WTF?

Wow. I wasn't trying to hide anything, I didn't name change. I hope you all enjoy this, I'm certainly not! I was trying to get an answer. Of course I'm going to stop contact. I was asking whether I should respond to her or not and then answering the questions people asked me. AF, you're being a deeply unpleasant rabble-rouser.

Hmm, I think AF has a point that you are, if not precisely enjoying it, getting something out of this self-flagellation.

Why?

But, never mind the backstory, simple answer is - yes, I would prefer an acknowledgement of my email if I was the wife in question and yes, I would like it to take the form of a short "I will stay out of your marriage and block your H". No explanations, wouldn't really be fussed about an apology (especially as I would doubt your sincerity) - just do as you're being asked.

Thanks for all the helpful responses! Should have realised there would be so many ready to pounce.

You must of expected this response. Do u feel ashamed? I think you should. Walk away leave it move on.

Yeah because no people who have affairs never play the 'my wife doesnt understand me' card. No that never happens.

How about just not being in contact and getting a man of your own?

You really should reread your posts and imagine yourself in the wife's position. Yes, you should acknowledge her request, it is the least you can do and an ashamed apology would be the decent thing to do.

Doesn't the fact that so many of the responses are unsympathetic tell you something.

Do you ever wonder if he's taking you for a fool?

This is that type of situation where you can look in, as an outsider, and just know that this man will be happily married with his wife when they get old. You'll have been a bloody hard blip on the horizon, but a blip, nonetheless.

And you'll still be hanging on, waiting for him to throw you some crumbs, a lie to keep you sweet and believing.

It's such a naive place to be.

Do you ever wonder if he's taking you for a fool?

This is that type of situation where you can look in, as an outsider, and just know that this man will be happily married with his wife when they get old. You'll have been a bloody hard blip on the horizon, but a blip, nonetheless.

And you'll still be hanging on, waiting for him to throw you some crumbs, a lie to keep you sweet and believing.

It's such a naive place to be.

My DP had an affair. The OW is one of his colleagues. He ended it months before I found out, which I did this summer. I am coming to a decision regarding leaving him or not. I have thought about contacting her in my darkest moments and in August I posted here about it and was advised not to do it, advice I took. But it was only when I was feeling at my absolute shittiest that I felt like doing it. Your MM's wife will have been so distraught when she contacted you that I think you should do her the courtesy of responding, reassuring, apologising and stopping all contact. Leave them alone to work it out.

Infinityseven - in this case (which is the only case I know) that entirely depends on your definition of happy and whether that involves any genuine emotional honesty.

Thanks for your dignified response, thecatsmother, I'll do that.

Get out of their marriage.

You can dress it up any way you want. You say you're concerned about him. You're using this as a way to keep contact with him and hope he comes crawling back.

Quite frankly, his wife would be better of without him, but seeing as they are obviously working on their marriage you should cut contact. Obviously he should too, but he's a wanker and you're a nice caring person.

Look.

You obviously think you're something special to this bloke, that you understand him like no other, that you care about him more than any other etc etc.

You're not.
You don't.

Never mind bleating 'I'm going to stop contact'. You should have done this already, as the barest minimum a decent human being would do. This man, his marriage, are not yours to fuck about with.

He wants to stay with his wife. He doesn't want to be with you.

If you have a need for constant drama in your life, join the local Am Dram society.

A heartfelt apology to the wife might be in order- if you're capable of heartfelt apologies.

If you were going to block him, you would have done it by now

You have no intention of doing so. And if you can squeeze the last bit of drama out of this, you will carry on contacting him and sympathising about his awful situation (and how you are the one to save him from it)

I don't think I am the "unpleasant" one here

Yes, all people in marriages are there because they want to be. Oh look! No need for the relationships board any more. I am going to stop contact, because for the first time someone has asked me to. I don't think these generalisations are any help to anyone. Or maybe they are, I don't know.

"Hi, you poor poor deluded woman. I feel I can call you that because I'm one too. Do you know he wants me to hang around until he grows the balls to leave you. And I beleived him, that is how deluded I am. I am not sure I am strong enough to leave him alone, but that's OK because he's the same. Cards on the table...he's a shit and so am I. You would honestly be better of without him ....hey but that's another thing we have in common! So would I"

Thanks, I won't send that, but I have read all your posts, and I wish she would (along with Jones and PTF). But I know I'm not helping. Neither am I the youngest, prettiest, most awestruck or least challenging person he'll continue to meet. I hope she keeps copies of her email.

I genuinely posted here because I wanted to know, now that she has made direct contact, what others in this situation would have wanted. It's not an easy situation, nor a thrilling one.

It is easy, you cut contact and apologize. You don't want to though or you would have done. Sad.

Some people have said don't respond. The cutting contact is a given.

Don't respond. If you're planning to cut contact with him, do that. But don't enter into a conversation with the DW because it is will not stop at just one e-mail - that's a given. This is their relationship on the skids, you've played a part in it failing, and it's for them to sort out now... not you.

Is it though? Usually, not sleeping with married men is a given....