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Original poster

my DH died last week. what do i do now

240 replies

lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:23

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

OP posts:
TheBookofRuth · 12/10/2014 18:26

I don't have any helpful advice, I'm afraid, but I wanted you to know I'm listening and I'm so sorry for your loss and your DCs loss.

leemur · 12/10/2014 18:26

So sorry for your loss. Thanks

Stuffofawesome · 12/10/2014 18:27

So sorry for your loss. Look at Winston's wish website or call helpline for support with the children.

Original poster
lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:27

And we always have roast dinner on Sundays but I didn't want to make one today so I just put fish fingers in and DD2 said she didn't want them because she wanted roast dinner. I said sorry and now I feel bad because she probably just wanted some normality and I wreaked it.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 12/10/2014 18:27

Oh my goodness, your friend was very very insensitive. Of course you are not lucky to have such a terrible thing happen to your family. Perhaps she just didn't know what to say.

It sounds as if you are doing really well to hold it together.

I don't have any practical advice and I am sure others will come along with wise words, but my heart goes out to you.

wishingwontwork · 12/10/2014 18:27

Hello, I have no real practical advice but wanted to send you a hug.
Was his passing away a shock or had he been ill leading up to it?
Does he have any family around at all who could help you with arrangements?
With regards to dc attending funeral, ask them if they want to go or not and go with their decision. All children are different.
I am so sorry you're going through this.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 12/10/2014 18:28

Sorry for your loss x

MontserratCaballe · 12/10/2014 18:28

Oh my love I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock for you all. Have you got any good RL support? Your friend made a poor comment but was probably embarrassed by not knowing what to say to make it right. Nothing can make it right of course but we are here to listen and, I hope, help. Keep posting. Thinking of you all.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 12/10/2014 18:30

Awww, you didn't wreck it by not doing a roast. You need to look after yourself as well.

Awks · 12/10/2014 18:30

You poor woman, my heart goes out to you and your family. What a sad thing to be dealing with. Talk to us, we're here xxx

WitchWay · 12/10/2014 18:30

How very sad Sad

Your friend was a bit insensitive but don't take it too much to heart. People often are blunter than they intend because they feel awkward.

Lambzig · 12/10/2014 18:31

Oh and please don't be hard on yourself. You are there, caring for your children, cooking food, concerned about making the right decisions for them under circumstances that would have most of us on our knees. Well done.

Do keep posting if you can and if it helps at all.

WitchWay · 12/10/2014 18:32

BTW I think they ought to go to the funeral.

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 18:32

Hi Stars,

So sorry to hear this.

I WOULD take the youngest two to the funeral. Face it together as a (new, smaller) family. There will be plenty of people there to help you all. (Would be different if a tiny baby). But I would ALSO do the planting a tree/writing a letter thing either before or afterwards.

Just put your slightly "foot in mouth" friend to the side.

Justtoobad · 12/10/2014 18:35

Goodness you are so right to cry and feel lost, you must get some advice and support, please go to your doctor and get counselling. It's not fair that you have to do this all on your own.
And well done for being such a great mum, tell the school as they will have a counsellor that can help the kids.

One day at a time.

Original poster
lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:35

DH has wonderful parents. ILs have arranged most of the funeral and took the DCs out for a few hours so I could sort something's out.

I don't know if the younger two should go to the funeral or not. Seeing all their family upset might distress them especially DD2 because she is so young.

The schools have also been great DD1 has counselling arranged for when she goes back to school. The youngest two are in a small primary school but even there the head teacher is arranging counselling time for them if they want/need it at any time now and in the future.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/10/2014 18:37

So sorry for your loss. It is still very, very early days. Don't feel bad about not being able to hold back the tears and for not feeling you have everything under control.

Do you have other friends and family you can lean on? Have you talked to your GP about family grief counselling? Your GP might also be able to put you in touch with groups of other women in similar situations.

But most of all, be kind to yourself. The next weeks will be a blur, but you will get through them, one day at a time.

wombat22 · 12/10/2014 18:39

One day at a time Thanks I would allow the children to go

handfulofcottonbuds · 12/10/2014 18:39

Just heartbreaking Thanks

I know how hard it is even to put fish fingers on when you are in deep grief. You are doing amazingly well.

Do what feels right for you about the funeral, talk to your DCs and see what they would like to do. Personally, I don't think 4 is too young when it is someone so close. It will be incredibly sad but there will also be happy memories for them to share and there will be enough family members to be with your DCs and tell them how precious they are.

I am so sorry for you x

Theselittlelightsofmine · 12/10/2014 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 12/10/2014 18:39

I would also take the children to the funeral. I think it something that they will look back on later and will have wanted to be there. What do your ILs say about it?

DaisyFlowerChain · 12/10/2014 18:40

So sorry for your loss.

I would ask them if they want to go to the funeral, I wasn't given the choice and hate I didn't get to say goodbye properly. Would I have gone if I hdpad the choice, I don't know but at least I would have been able to decide for myself.

momb · 12/10/2014 18:43

I am so sorry for your loss.
There is no way past the fact that this is a truly awful time for all of you. Keep going. It's all you can do. Sit your children down and talk to them. Tell them that you will all be OK, but for now you are very sad too and miss him and that some things will change but that you promise you will do your very best for them. It's the truth and will give them a chance to talk too. Explain that sometimes things will feel different, not just that their Daddy isn't there but that you will be different for a while too while you are so sad and getting used to your new life as well. It will do them no harm to understand, even at this age, that you are human too. ask them about the funeral. Your DD2 may not even know what this means; it's an opportunity to talk.
DD2 is very young and wanting a roast dinner on a sunday is part of her routine: she is also very resilient and not having a roast dinner will not harm her in any way, long or short term. Try not to focus on these kinds of things: they are going to come up a lot over the next few weeks/months and are in no way either your fault nor a long term issue.
It sounds to me as if you are doing a great job under the worst of circumstances. Go conkering after school and let your son choose more: keep drilling until you've cracked it (maybe stabilise with a blob of playdough or blutack?): it will be a small victory but a new skill for next year.
You are doing great. Really.
My heart goes out to you all.x

ophiotaurus · 12/10/2014 18:43

So sorry for your loss.

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 18:43

Re the funeral, it's ok to let children see grown ups cry, I think.

I suppose you might worry though that the grown ups are worried to cry in case it upsets the children.

Children like to be part of things though, so they understand them. If people whisper and do things (eg have a funeral) "secretly" without them, that's more scary. Maybe it's better to say "this is a special service for grown ups where we say goodbye to daddy". And be open, so they can ask Qs.