my DH died last week. what do i do now

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I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

I am sorry for your loss. Do not be harsh on yourself, you are doing your best. Just keep muddling on.

have you thought about counselling for yourself? Maybe speak to your gp. Sometimes a life insurance company will arrange a few sessions.

Take care op, one day at a time xxxx

So sorry for your loss .

I am sorry your friend put her foot in it; it is at times like this you will really find out who your friends really are. Do you have other family and friends who are helpful?.

A previous respondent mentioned Winstons Wish:-

Winstons Wish phone number is 08452 030405
www.winstonswish.org.uk/

They can be very helpful going forward with regards to your children.

I would consider taking all the children to the funeral and plant a tree in your garden and/or install a bench seat in his memory.

I would consider also contacting CRUSE when you are ready to do so; they can be very helpful to you with regards to bereavement. Bereavement as a process is truly a marathon, not a sprint.

I don't know what I would do in this situation, I can't even bring myself to imagine it.

I think that I'd take them to the funeral, but have allocated relatives (such as my mum and my sisters) to be keeping an eye on them and ready to take them out if necessary.

Can you make the funeral as child-friendly as possible?

momb thank you I think I will have that talk with them after tea like you suggested it will be good for everyone I think.

So so sad for your loss Op. can't even imagine how you are feeling.

Your friend is stupidly insensitive.

Blessings to you and your dc

Oh my...I'm so sorry for your loss honey....I don't know what to say?? I wish I could give you advice but I'm scared it won't be good enough

Cannot imagine the grief you are going through. Hope you all pull through.

I can't recommend winstons wish highly enough.

I would take them to the funeral. I lost my ddad as a child and I'm really glad I was there for it.

I am really so, so sorry for your unimaginably painful loss. One foot in front of the other on this journey now-you can and will find your way to a less painful place.

I am sorry for your loss.

Take it five minutes at a time. Then the next five minutes, and the next.

If it was me, I'd take all the children to the funeral. I'm not an expert but I think it helps towards them accepting the fact that their Dad has gone; moving towards it finally sinking in for them. I'd think they need to see everyone mourning for him together, and saying goodbye. I would worry that they might think he might come back, without this public, group acknowledgement of his life, and that he has died.

I'm sorry if my words are crass, and of course you must do what you think is best, that's just my take on it.

So awful to be in this situation. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry for your loss. I was 6 and my brother 4 when we lost our DD suddenly. It's hard. I don't remember the practicalities of the time. We spent a lot of time with our grandparents. We went to the funeral. I can remember being there but I can't remember the detail. We didn't go to the crematorium.

I remember feeling loved, by my DM, and by my grandparents. That's probably the best thing you can do for your children. I hope you are able to surround your family with love to help you get through this awful time. I'm so, so sorry.

Im sorry that i have no practical advice. Im very sorry for your loss and my deep sympathy to you and your children

I am so very sorry for your loss.

That is a terrible thing to happen and sincere condolences.

Re: the funeral.

I went to a funeral of a man who died in similar circumstances with a young family - five children including a one year old. They all went to the funeral and they sang a medley of songs they sang with their father with their mother. Just little nursery rhymes and not for long. I have to say I was in buckets of tears.

But the more serious point is that they were there and participated in their father's funeral.

I can't say whether that was right or wrong - but I think that your children may regret not being there at all in their later years.

I was "excluded" from an important family funeral when I was 7 years old and it still bothers me that I wasn't there. And that wasn't a parent.

I would take them for that reason. It's better they are there than not. If they are not there, you can never correct it.

So, so sorry OP. I would let the children go to the funeral.

Thinking of you.

I am so sorry for your loss. So, so sorry.

The first weeks / months you will run on adrenalin, and you will be in shock. when you are ready, the brain will let the grief come to you in small and manageable chunks.

Being a parent at times like that is incredibly hard. I hope you have real life support as simple tasks like making dinner can be like climbing a mountain. Your children will keep you going though.

Try and cope minute by minute with small tasks. Try and eat. You won't want to but if you can at least eat a few bites every hour it ill give you much needed strength.

I am so sorry x

My DS was 5 when he went to his first funeral for a close family member. He's 21 now and still says that he is glad I made the decision to take him.

You know your children, they will tell you what they want and they will all support each other as will the other family members.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dh.
Although it probably doesn't feel like it you are doing so well to be able to do anything. Looking after 3 children, making them dinner, thinking about their school and emotional needs when your world has collapsed.
I hope you have people round you who are there if you want them.
All my love
X

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

My friend has been through this - you will find support and strength in friends who you never knew you had, there will also be friends who just can't be the friend you need them to be.

My friend didn't let her children go to the funeral - I think it was a mistake, as was her refusal to cry in front of them. They need to know you are upset too, and know it is alright to show their emotions, not bottle them up. However, you will need massive support on the day - you won't be up to looking after your children entirely on your own.

Don't even think about tomorrow, it's impossible to think beyond the next hour. This is about basic survival. I hope you have plenty of support.

Best wishes to you all

Can't add anything to the good advice you have had already. I just wanted to offer my condolences. How dreadful for you all.

I hope you have lots of support.

I'm so sorry for your loss
My friend lost her husband and her 2 young children came to the funeral, she has said that she was glad they did, she wasn't sure what to do at first

What a horrible, devastating time for you. I am so sorry. I am in awe of you for getting up every day and keeping going. Your children are so, so lucky to have you there, loving and caring for them.

I think honesty and openness is the best way to handle things re the funeral. Explain to your dcs that it's a special time to say goodbye to their daddy - maybe they would like to make/write something to give to him (I'm sure your funeral director would be happy to ensure anything was placed in the coffin) so they know that something of them is always with him? If they do go, perhaps someone could show them the venue beforehand and briefly explain what will happen so it's not all new on the day?

Take up offers of help - you have nothing to prove to anyone and you also need time to take care of yourself. Make life as easy as possible for now - home delivery, a ready roasted chicken and some aunt bessie potatoes will do absolutely fine if you want to keep the routine of a roast going, but fishfingers or a ready made lasagne will do just as well. You are doing amazingly well just getting through each day.

I wish I knew you in rl so I could be of more help but please know that I am thinking of you x

OP, sincerely, our deepest sympathy.

You may find this topic area useful too.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement

Take care of yourself.