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Original poster

my DH died last week. what do i do now

240 replies

lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:23

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

OP posts:
ReallyAIBU · 16/10/2014 22:05

Oh Lickingstars, he sounds lovey -thank you for sharing with us.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

twentyten · 16/10/2014 22:09

Well done- it must be so hard. Thank you for sharing your dh's story. He sounds a lovely man. And you sound amazing. ThanksThanks

northernlurker · 16/10/2014 22:11

He sounds simply lovely. Thanks for sharing him with us.

pocketsized · 16/10/2014 22:11

He sounds amazing OP, and so do you and your lovely DCs. I have been thinking of you all today.

chickydoo · 16/10/2014 22:17

Am so very very sorry for your loss. Strokes are so cruel.
Wishing you peace. XThanks

thewomaninwhite · 16/10/2014 22:32

Thank you for sharing a little about your DH lickingstars, he sounds like a truly amazing man. I too have been thinking of you all today. Wishing you strength for tomorrow too and the days and weeks that follow x

ChishandFips33 · 17/10/2014 00:05

He sounds like he came in to your life at just the right time and gave you and your children wonderful memories

Thank you for telling us about him, he continues to touch people's hearts...even those who never knew him

Stuffofawesome · 17/10/2014 07:40

Thanks for telling us about him. Sounds like a decent and kind man. Keep posting if it feels right.

springydaffs · 17/10/2014 16:09

He sounds like a lovely man, a very special person. Thanks for telling us a bit about him xx

I'm so glad the funeral went off ok. You did the right thing having the kids there. Makes me cry writing this, how hard it is for you all. But you're all doing so well - there's no script is there? Flowers

springydaffs · 17/10/2014 16:11

(sorry if that's mawkish)

Meerka · 17/10/2014 16:14

Oh licking. he sounds so special and so loving.

Original poster
lickingstars · 17/10/2014 18:49

Your right there really doesn't seem to be a script now.
I talked to DD1 about going back to school. She is going to try it on Monday bless her.
Other two DCs went to school fine today and they stayed without problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
lickingstars · 17/10/2014 18:51

And thank you for all the comments about DH.
He truly was the best husband and father that I could have wished for.

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 17/10/2014 19:50

Have you got anything planned Licking for the weekend?

The trees are turning beautiful colours now, do you have any nice treey parks nearby where you could take the DCs for a walk? Mine used to love collecting leaves and then sticking them on 'trees' on paper when they got home.

Your DH sounds like a lovely man and your love for him shines through your writing about him.

Good that the DCs are all trying to go back to school, I'm sure the normal routine will gradually help them to feel secure again. Do you work or are you a SAHM?

Bowlersarm · 17/10/2014 20:02

He sounds great, licking. So do your kids Smile Flowers

savemefromrickets · 17/10/2014 21:09

He sounds so lovely and I'm glad you had your years of happiness. I am so sorry for your loss.

thewomaninwhite · 17/10/2014 21:10

Popping by to say hello today. Hoping that today has been gentle on you x

Original poster
lickingstars · 17/10/2014 21:11

Nothing planned for the weekend but that is a lovely idea bunchoffives so we might do that.
I also have a roast dinner plan for Sunday so that mistake won't be made again.

I work part time 3 days a week during school hours. I won't go back next week just to be sure the DCs are okay in school and then I will have to make a plan after that because of half term and childcare for that.

OP posts:
ReallyAIBU · 17/10/2014 21:34

Hi Licking
I just wanted to say I think you are doing such an amazing job in this difficult time . The fact that you are planning a roast for you children on Sunday because you want some "normally" for then is just lovely. - But please don't put pressure on yourself to do things. I totally understand your dc's are your priority and you want to keep things stable, but there will be times when you simply won't feel up to it. -And your dc's sound so lovely and caring that I'm sure they will understand during those times.
Do you have any family support nearby to help you during half term?

Take care and have fun collecting the leaves xxxxxxxxx

ReallyAIBU · 17/10/2014 21:37

Pls excuse typo- should say "normality" not normally.

Lizzylou · 17/10/2014 21:37

Oh Lickingstars, I have just read this thread for the first time, you sound so lovely and your children sound amazing. Your dh sounds a star.
My dh had a sudden, out of the blue stroke this tear and although he is making good progress, I well remember the utter panic and sick to the stomach feeling when it first happened. He has to have a heart op but we are so lucky to still have him here, I have never appreciated him more.
Just lots of love from me, I am so sorry Thanks

Original poster
lickingstars · 18/10/2014 18:47

Thank you all
We had a lovely morning collecting leaves and making cards for PILs.

Unfortunately the afternoon was less successful. DD1 wanted to go meet her friends in town. It was last minute but she hasn't asked since DH died so I said I would give her a lift down.
I took the younger two to pick a DVD as a treat for tonight. Whilst there DD2 found some novelty Xmas glasses she asked for them and I told her to wait till it's closer to Christmas.

She looked at me for a second and said. Daddy isn't coming back for Christmas is he mum.
I said no he is never coming back but he was watching her from the clouds.
Que a 2 hour crying sobbing melt down and nothing I did helped because she wanted her daddy. Sad
This also made DS upset so he was crying on and off throughout the afternoon as well.

OP posts:
savemefromrickets · 18/10/2014 18:56

It's such a monumental thing it's going to take time for it to sink in for all of you, and often it'll happen when you least expect it. I wish I had some words of wisdom (I really don't) but I hope someone else does. In the meantime, have a very unmumsnetty hug.

wilddogbert · 18/10/2014 19:23

Sounds like a really tough day
Treat yourself to some Wine or Cake or something darling

ReallyAIBU · 18/10/2014 20:03

I think a lot of the days will be like this Licking- up and down. You'll find that you will all be having a lovely time, then something will happen which will remind you or dc's of your dh and the sadness will follow.
I'm sure as time goes on things will change but it really still is early days for you all.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how are you doing? Your posts mostly focus on your dc's and you never really talk about you. - Do you have a close support network in RL who you can talk to? You know you can always post on here for support. I know your are being strong for your dc's, but please allow yourself time to grieve as well.
I think you are handing everything amazingly and I admire your strength so much.

Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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