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Original poster

my DH died last week. what do i do now

240 replies

lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:23

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

OP posts:
Anomaly · 12/10/2014 20:51

I am so sorry for your loss. I would also say let them go to the funeral. I would also try and get them back to school. It is going to be something they have to do and if they are absent too long it becomes a hurdle in itself to go back. It would also give you time to grieve alone or with other adults.

VanGogh · 12/10/2014 20:53

Oh my love. I am so so sorry for your loss.

WheresWallyNow · 12/10/2014 21:00

Firstly can I just say how desperately sorry I am for your loss.

I was in your position 3 years ago. My girls did not come to the funeral as quite simply I couldn't trust myself to keep it together enough for them. Instead they were with a family member during the formal bit. Then we all went to Daddy's park and they released balloons with messages for him. They came to the wake afterwards and still talk about the stories they were told by family members and friends at Daddy's party.

The best piece of advice I was given- don't make any big decisions for one year. It takes time to adjust to this scary new place you find yourself in. Right now I know it feels like you never will, but you do.

I'll be thinking of you x

Original poster
lickingstars · 12/10/2014 21:09

Thank you all for your support and links to websites which I will get round to looking at.

I talked to them all about funerals and what they are and said that they could write letters and draw pictures for DH to put in the coffin etc.
I will take them all and I will ask my DB to keep an eye on them there and make decisions about if they are okay and what they need.

DD1 wants to read a poem that she has written. Which makes me proud and sad.
I think we will talk about school after the funeral unless they bring it up first.

OP posts:
savemefromrickets · 12/10/2014 21:19

Massive unmumsnetty hugs to you and the children. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. You should be very proud of yourself for managing to get through each day and I bet your lovely DH would be very proud of you too, especially as you are clearly being a brilliant mum, despite the hardest of circumstances.

Purpleflamingos · 12/10/2014 21:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Try and take it just one hour at a time.

Allow yourself to cry too.

May09Bump · 12/10/2014 21:26

So sorry!

As a child I went to the church service and grave side - I was grateful for the opportunity to say goodbye. However the graveside dwelled on my mind for a long time, so may I suggest the church and the wake (if arranged that way), then maybe just something for you and the children.

Your friend is quite insensitive, but sometimes people just make mistakes at these times. I hope some of the links already provided give you some support outside the family.

I don't know if your religious or have a friend who can speak to the school to ensure the children are supported there. Maybe a gradual return to school might help.

The conker event broke my heart - I have a six yr old DS. There is nothing anyone can say to ease the pain at the moment. They say time heals and the happy memories remain, and the pain recedes - I hope this is true for your family xxx

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 12/10/2014 21:30

So sorry about your loss. you are doing an amazing job.
I think going to the funeral is the best decision. I would encourage adults not to hold back the tears, it's good for children to see that adults are sad too. We have also put photo's in family coffins. Maybe your children would like to choose one of their cuddly toys to give to their daddy as well. Although I was older (13) at my dads funeral, it gave me great comfort to see how loved he was by family and friends.
One thing to be aware of for the future is, if your husbands death was very sudden, your children may be frightened that the same could happen to you. They may also want to protect you from their upset, so it would be useful if they have another close adult that can talk to sometimes.

Canshopwillshop · 12/10/2014 21:32

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have a lot of experience in that I have lost my mum, dad and sister. I would recommend that you allow all your DC to attend the funeral. Not only will they be a source of strength for you but they will be able to say their goodbyes. Children don't think about it like adults - it really won't traumatise them. My children came to all of my family's funerals and it has helped them process what happened.

Original poster
lickingstars · 12/10/2014 21:39

Thank you all for your support you are all so lovely
Cake

OP posts:
Busybusybust · 12/10/2014 21:40

Hello. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me too. My husband died very suddenly when My children were 15, 13, 8 and 5. Needless to say we were all heartbroken. My biggest problem was that I had been with him so long (24 years) that I didn't know who I was. It took me around 4 years and a lot or mistakes to find 'me'.

I had no idea how to deal with the children's loss - indeed I couldn't deal with my own loss! We just muddled through. Look up Winston's Wish for your children - wish I had known about it. But just keep on talking to them - it's ok for them to see you upset - they end to know it's ok to grieve.

Please take all the children to the funeral and explain to them beforehand that it is to say goodbye to daddy. I do think that helped mine.

Twenty years on. I am still without a partner, because I felt I had to put the children and the business (my husbands and mine) first. I actually don't regret it. My children and I are very close, although they all live away, and I have a very good life. Lots of friends and a very good social life. My choice, yours will probably be different.

Sending you my love and lots of hugs.

pinkbadger · 12/10/2014 21:40

So sorry for your loss.

I lost two friends last November, one to stroke our of the blue, the other to breast cancer but still quite sudden. They had five children between them aged 6-12.

All the children attended their mothers' funerals. It was only the eldest boy aged 12 who was visibly upset, his younger sister, aged 10, read a poem she had written.

Both my friends had a 10 year old daughter, both are in my son's class at school. They have each reacted differently. One was playing football for the village team the following day, was straight back to school and took part in the Christmas play. The other only went back to school after the funeral and helped out backstage for the Christmas performance.

Many people commented on how brave the first girl was being but that was just her way of trying to deal with it. No one way is better than any other. Your children will find their way and if their ways are different I'm sure you'll support them in that.

The girls had a dedicated Teaching Assistant at school they could talk to any time and for the first months they spent time with her every day so they always knew there was a time they could talk about things.

I wish you well.

ZanyMobster · 12/10/2014 21:54

I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words really but you will get plenty of support on here when you need to talk.

I think taking the children is the right decision, my SIL has never really forgiven her mum for not allowing her to the funeral of her dad when she was 9 as she needed to grieve also even though she was only very young.

Thinking of you all

dunfightin · 12/10/2014 22:46

Glad you are taking them to the funeral - it's their time to say goodbye as much as that of the adults. Am guessing it will be important for other attendees to see them.
Funerals can be whatever you feel is appropriate; gone are the days of rigid formats or expected behaviours.
Re the roast and any other things - you can buy microwaveable ones if you don't feel up to doing things or when friends ask if they can help, take them up on a concrete thing that will make a difference.

pushtheskyaway · 12/10/2014 23:03

I am so very sorry to read of your loss OP.

I feel you are definitely doing the right thing taking your children to the funeral. Hard though It will be; I think they will thank you for it in later years.

They sound like the most wonderful children by the way, and a real credit to you and your DH.

Wishing you all the best.

DorothyGherkins · 12/10/2014 23:15

I ve been to a few funerals with young children there. It added a sense of balance and normality, as much as there can be in those circumstances. Yes, they may get upset, but they deal with it better than adults I think. In years to come, I think they might be glad that you let them come to a very important occasion for someone who figured so hugely in their life. Hugs to you all.

Groovee · 12/10/2014 23:21

I am so sorry for your loss. Sadly 2 of my friends have lost their husbands and have found support in a forum called the Merry Widows. You are doing a fab job in this difficult time, big hugs x

WhistlingPot · 12/10/2014 23:42

Another here sending love and deepest sympathies.

Have also heard lots of good things about Winston's Wish.

Wishing you and your dc every strength Flowers

catfourfeet · 12/10/2014 23:45

So sorry op, just that, so sorry for you and the dc

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 12/10/2014 23:51

I am so sorry for your loss licking My thoughts are with you and your family xxx

PurpleAlert · 12/10/2014 23:55

So sorry for your loss- if your DD wants to read a poem, let her but perhaps send her up with another relative on standby to take over if she gets too upset.

My DDs were both determined to read something out at my mum's funeral. DD2 was calm and composed but DD1 broke down halfway through and my uncle, who was up there with her, took over- her words were heard even though she wasn't able to articulate all of them.
Take care xxx

AlwaysWashing · 12/10/2014 23:55

Sending you heartfelt sympathy, I'm so sorry for such a loss. My Mum died after a very short & shitty illness a couple of weeks ago, my pain feels huge and consuming but compared to yours must be nothing.
I have no advice as I still don't know how to process my own grief other than be as strong as you can for your children and accept all the help you can get.
FlowersFlowersFlowers

trixymalixy · 12/10/2014 23:56

So sorry for your loss. I would take the children to the funeral.

AlfAlf · 13/10/2014 00:22

I'm so sorry Flowers
Sending you and your children lots of love xxx

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2014 00:26

I am so sorry for your loss. You are doing very well stars even though you may not feel that way.

I'm glad the children are going and that you are asking DB to provide extra support for them. My BFF did this for my children at their grandmother's funeral. They were extremely close to her & it was their first experience with death. It was helpful to me to be able to concentrate on what I needed to do during all the 'formalities' knowing that BFF was there for them.