my DH died last week. what do i do now

[lickingstars]

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

How very sad licking. I'm so very sorry for you and your children. For what it's worth, I think I would take my daughter to the funeral. Love to you

Oh and by the way, your friend acted like a bit of a prat. But many people do and say stupid things when trying to 'console' someone. If she's generally a good friend and this is just a one-off, I'd put it down to temporary insanity on her part. Or it may very well be that money is the first thing she'd think about if her DH died .

Oh honey I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! You are in an awful position and I just want you to know that it will get easier, I'm wishing you all the best wishes, hugs and lots of hand holding!
I think your friend meant well but may be finding it difficult to talk to you and is getting on the defensive...sounds strange but it's how my dh is. Tries to be helpful but just says the wrong thing and gets majorly defensive!
In regards to the funeral I would ask the advice of their teachers, maybe a school counsellor or even the family GP whether the children should go..
My brother passed away when I was 8 years old and my parents decided not to let me go and to be honest I have never forgiven them for it I feel like my chance to say goodbye was taken away from me..,
Maybe ask your DCs how they feel...
All the best and sorry again xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

A family friend was killed by her boyfriend last year, leaving behind 2 young child (both under 7) and my friends mum made the decision to take the kids to the church and wake, but not the graveside service. I think they went to McDonalds with a family friend.

The service was beautiful - Clare was only in her early 20s when she died and they had a photo montage projected on a screen during the service and every few photos you'd hear her little girl pipe up "isn't mummy pretty". The kids pretty much had the church in tears but it was more bitter sweet than overwhelmingly sad.

Our friend came from a huge family with lots of young children and it was lovely to see the kids all running around at the wake and playing in the gardens. A few older people made comment about how disrespectful it was but kids will be kids and they needed to realise it was ok to laugh and have fun even though their mum was now gone.

Clare's mum wasn't sure about taking the kids to the funeral but now, 19mths later, she's glad that she did.

I am so sorry for your lose, although these words seem totally inadequate.

Just do what feels right at the time and try not to stress about the small stuff x

Yes to taking the kids to the funeral. Explain it to them as best you (or whoever else) can, for each step. Ask them if they would like to say something at the funeral, read or learn a poem. Tell them there will be lots of people crying, because it is sad.

I would aim to get the kids back to normality as quickly as you can, it will help to get some structure back into all of your lives. Talk to the school and let them help too. And if you work, then I would also go back to work. Talk to your employer if you have one, about changing your hours for the moment so you can cope. You will need extra sleep probably in the day for a wee while, bereavement knocks the stuffing out of you - and to start with you are in shock.

Lean on your friends and family and your family in law. My experience is that other people are not sure how to help so they will cook. Ask someone to help you do a roast next weekend (and the weekend after). Don't be afraid to say when someone asks if they help, yes, I need help with the washing, ironing, cleaning, school run or whatever. For a while its like wading through mud. I had a notebook, because I found my memory for stuff became completely shot. I needed to keep fairly detailed notes just to know what was going on.

This stage will pass quickly enough, so don't panic about any of it. Talk about your feelings. Talk about your husband, let the kids talk about him too.

So sorry; sometimes life is so unfair.

Children need security so keep the basics as normal as possible - like meal times and let contact with friends/play mates continue.

They will grieve in their own way - each will be different - let them do it their way. Be there to listen; let them know its okay if what they say makes you cry - comfort each other as best you can.

I think its very important to involve chilldren in the funeral - let them wear what they want and run about before/afterwards if they want.

So sorry to read this OP. My heart goes out to you xx

Morning all
DS asked to go to school this morning (10 minutes before we left to take DD2)
We have told him if he wants to come home at any point he must tell someone. I am hoping he will be okay.

I called my DB and asked him to take care of the DCs on the day of the funeral he said he would and if he thinks the younger two won't cope graveside he will take them to the park or something and then bring them back for the wake.
SIL (DBs) wife has said she will go up with DD1 when she reads her poem in case she is needed.

That sounds like a grand plan for the funeral stars, and hopefully some comfort to you, knowing you and the DC will have support on the day. Well done.

I'm sure that's a good sign for your DS to have asked to go to school, brave boy. I am sure all will be well, even if he does come home, like others have said, you will all do things in your own way, in your own time.

And I'm sure school won't mind if you want to ring to check he's ok xx

Sudden death is extremely difficult because you don't have time to say goodbye. Please don't beat yourself up over the chidren, you sound a loving, sensitive parent. I am so pleased the school are supportive along with your DH's family.

Your friend is extremely insensitive; it is not about her and her feelings. It is at this time that you really find out who your friends are and who you will want to keep in touch with in the future.

I don't know what sort of funeral service you are having. The vicar at my family's felt one child too young, but the older one would cope. He went and read a short poem, which was his wish, but I have to say he found it extremely upsetting indeed. Only you know your children and what would be for the best.

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss, too. I know I'm a total stranger, but my heart goes out to you and I am wishing all the best to you, your DC and your extended family.

Hello Lickingstars

So sorry that you are going through this. There is some wonderful support here for you but I just wanted to post on a practical funeral matter which I hope you will find useful. It is a small point in a myriad of things you must be dealing with but I hope it may be useful for you.

My sister's husband died suddenly 10 years ago when her 2 children were 5 and & 7. Like your DB, I was 'in charge' of the children on the day of the funeral, again, playing it be ear in terms of how they coped (they went to church service, not to separate cremation, and then I took them to the wake.

However, what we (as a family) didn't plan was the seating arrangements in the church. My DS sat with her kids at front, I sat behind, but then my parents who I thought would sit with her for some reason sat with me, I think through not being sure what to do and if to 'intrude' (despite fact family are all close) net net, I ended up moving to front during service I only reference as I think sometimes people don't want to do the wrong thing but don't end up doing the most helpful thing so as awful a prospect as it might be to discuss, perhaps make clear prior whom you want to sit with you in church.

As I say a small point, but its something I regret from back then (as a small aside, my sisters two mid-late teenage children are delightful and have done really well despite this trauma).

All the best wishes and love

So sorry for your loss.
My dh died when dc were 12 and 16 . The hardest time is immediately after the funeral when everyone has gone home. Try to get someone to stay for a couple of days just so you have someone with you when the dc are in bed. Time doesn't heal but it does dull the pain and you will be able to cope.
All the very very best to you all.

I am really sorry to hear this.

My husband died seven years ago. This is a difficult time and you need to look after yourself. Getting through the next hour, the next day is achievement enough. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Real life support is crucial, I hope you have friends and family who are sensitive and offer help. Talk to your GP, and try Cruse www.cruse.org.uk/ for support, also Merry Widow www.merrywidow.me.uk/ which is very good for support and the people who use it are/have been in the same position. Anything you are feeling or any worries you have, they have been through it before and can provide advice from that perspective.

People are bloody insensitive: I had several say : "Oh but your mortgage is paid off" as if that made everything okay, which of course it doesn't. It is up to you whether you keep in touch with them over the long term, but they have to prove themselves as helpful and kind friends. If they are not, do not worry about them. I really hope you people around you who are there for you.

I'm so sorry OP. Others have given very good advice here, and I'm so glad that you have your brother to help you, even if it might not seem like it helps that much right now.

Please do check out some of the websites that others have mentioned, I hope that they will be helpful for you.

There is no "easier" way to lose someone. If it happens all of a sudden, you never get to say goodbye. If it happens over a long period of time, then you have to watch someone you love succumbing to it. Both are horrible, and both cause immeasurable pain.

Please try and look after yourself as well - of course you will want to do everything you can to support the children, but you are only human. You need to put yourself first sometimes as well.

Truly wishing you luck and best wishes for all of this.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

licking stars, I am so very sorry for the loss of your DH. My BIL died suddenly this year, leaving my sister with a young family too (DD2, DS4). It has been a day at a time for her. I know that she has found counselling helpful, just in terms of being able to grieve and talk about her DH without having to worry about the effects on the children etc. It's space that is hers is that makes sense. It does not change anything of course.

As a sister, i just do my best to listen, to offer to have the children, anything that might help in a small way. I can't make things better but I truly do try to be as supportive as possible.

You will find your way but it takes time. Grief is a journey and I also speak as someone who has lost a child so have some understanding of what it is like to have your world rocked suddenly and everything to change forevermore.

Do you have any support in real life? I hope that you do, just someone to help with the everyday things if that would be useful to you.

In terms of the funeral, my nephew and niece attended my BIL's funeral as did my children (also 2 and 4 at the time). It was fine and we have them things to play with. It was what my sister wanted and I truly believe that my BIL would have wanted them present too. It's whatever seems right to you.

With much love to you x

You sound like you gave a very strong and supportive family, I hope they bring you much comfort.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Do you have a strong support network around you? Don't be afraid to lean on people, especially while everything is so raw. Please keep coming and talking to us, you don't have to deal with this alone x

I'm so sorry x

I am so sorry for your loss xx

Thank you for your advice.
DS stayed in school till 2:00 and then he started to get upset just in case something had happened and I wouldn't be there to pick him up. So they called me and I went in early I saw him and spoke to him for five minutes and then he went back into school and stayed till hometime at 3:15.
Bless him I was so proud of him.

Lickingstars, you and your children have been in my thoughts since I read your first post.
Your update about your ds is just lovely- that's really brave of him, no wonder you are proud

I wish you all lots of love and strength fo you and your children.

Have been thinking about you today,lickingstars.