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Original poster

my DH died last week. what do i do now

240 replies

lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:23

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

OP posts:
stillenacht1 · 12/10/2014 19:52

I am so sorry for your loss.

HesterShaw · 12/10/2014 19:54

I'm so very sorry Flowers. It sounds like the worst thing in the world.
I don't think you should worry about the children seeing you cry. It lets them know it's ok to grieve. I don't know what to suggest about the funeral, however I think in years to come they would be glad they were there. It's obviously your (and their) choice though.

Your friend sounded insensitive, but I expect she meant "that's one less thing", given that money troubles on top of everything else would be even more stress. However it obviously came out all wrong and no, you're not lucky at all. I imagine she will apologise for her crassness in due course.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/10/2014 19:55

I am so sorry for you and your children's loss.
What do you do now? Exactly what you feel like doing, I think is the answer.
You sound like you are doing a really good job at such an awful time.
Take your time my love, each day, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Sending best wishes and my sincerest sympathy.

lupo5 · 12/10/2014 19:56

So sorry for your loss.My deepest condolence to you and your dear children from bottom of my heart.

Cricrichan · 12/10/2014 19:58

I'm so sorry for your loss (((())))

BellaVita · 12/10/2014 20:05

Oh my love, I am so sorry Flowers

HumphreyCobbler · 12/10/2014 20:06

I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry.

PeonyStick · 12/10/2014 20:06

It's very early - time will ease the gut wrenching pain and also help you navigate the practicalities ..... The first time you have to deal with things yourself , confers and such, will be really hard but time will help you get through it . Try here :www.winstonswish.org.uk

cherrybombxo · 12/10/2014 20:08

I'm so very sorry for your loss, how awful. I have no advice to add, but take each day as it comes Flowers

MrsMinton · 12/10/2014 20:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Regarding the funeral it might help to ask a close friend or relative to have a little bag of any things that you might want or need for your DC and to help in the little bit straight after the service because often lots of people want to talk to you and it'll help to know they are being watched.
If people say can they help then take them up on the offer: shopping, run a wash load, cook a meal. It will give you time to do things.
Be gentle with yourself Flowers

elfycat · 12/10/2014 20:11

So sorry to hear of your loss.

You sound incredibly brave to be carrying on as normally as possible and supporting them. In amongst the support you are offering please make sure you are also looking after yourself and taking your own help. If someone offers help, and you know you can rely on them, please delegate them a task - any task that makes life a bit easier.

I think your friend was tactless in the extreme, but people don't always say the most appropriate things. She may be kicking herself very hard right now and wishing she could invent a time machine to go back and slap herself really hard I've done this

I would be inclined to let the children go to the funeral. Seeing the grief of adults will only reinforce that their own feelings are natural. I regret not being allowed to an uncle's funeral in my childhood. It felt like one day he was a part of my life and the next day he'd disappeared with only a brief explanation. Get a slightly more removed family member or friend to back you up if you feel that you might be overwhelmed. They can hug a child and someone else can hug you if needed.

Roast dinners will not matter in the long term. That was not a failure. Not at all. I second all the cheats in the world if you feel the need to make one - instant everything with tinned sweetcorn etc. That you are making dinners at all is amazing IMO.

Guitargirl · 12/10/2014 20:17

Your children sound lovely and your DH's parents too. Such a shock for you all Thanks

Whatever you decide to do regarding your children's attendance at your DH's funeral, have confidence that you are doing the best for them.

Don't expect too much of yourself. It's understandable that you want things to be as 'normal' as possible for your DCs but there's absolutely no shame at all in letting them see that you are grieving. Families are there to help each other. Take care OP.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 12/10/2014 20:21

So very sorry. Be kind to yourself xxxx

exexpat · 12/10/2014 20:22

My sympathies, OP.

DH died when our DCs were 8 and 3, nearly 4, and they both came to the funeral. DD, who was three, spent some of the time with my sister off to one side of the church, in an area set up with some toys and books. She doesn't remember that much about it all now (she is nearly 12) but I am glad she was there, and I don't think it traumatised them. The DCs did not come to the crematorium after the service, but they did come to the interment of DH's ashes a few months later.

I haven't read the whole thread, but has anyone pointed you towards Winston's Wish or Childhood Bereavement Network? They may be able to give you some support and advice on how to help the children. And for you, WAY (Widowed and Young) or the Merry Widow website and discussion board could be useful.

My DCs just seemed to want as much normality as possible after DH died - going back to school, doing normal things - so I guess roast dinners are on those lines. It may seem like too much to cope with now, but trying to maintain family traditions (and adapt them gradually over time) may be important for the children.

And unfortunately there will be more people like your friend who will say completely tactless things, either because they just don't think before opening their mouths, or because they are trying to 'help' in a very cack-handed way. Try to let it wash over you. And on the flip side, you will discover some real friends who either say or do the right things when you need help, without you even asking.

OfCourse · 12/10/2014 20:24

My DCs were 12 and 4, they saw their fathers body and saw him lowered into the ground (muslim burial) at the funeral. Take the children, it will provide closure.

Its ok to cry too, grief is part of life

starfishmummy · 12/10/2014 20:25

So sorry for your loss.
I am also saying let the children go to the funeral. When they are older they may regret not going

Meerka · 12/10/2014 20:25

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's a hard decision but i reckon it's worth taking the children to the funeral young as they are. It's very important to say goodbye - really really important even for small children. I can't overstate this (personal experience, didn't go to my adoptive mother's funeral and I regret it bitterly to this day; it was a vital marker in the process of mourning).

A good idea to have someone by your side ready to take them if need be. Maybe take pens and paper so they can draw pictures of Daddy if they want to.

Definitely talk to Winston's Wish too.

Try to make sure you eat regularly and if you can, sleep. Wishing you all support in the coming weeks and months Flowers

silversixpence · 12/10/2014 20:26

So very sorry for your loss. Some wonderful advice on this thread, just take things slowly and be kind to yourself Flowers

GColdtimer · 12/10/2014 20:30

OP my sincere condolence for your loss.

Haven't read the whole thread but my friend has found WAY (widowed and young) an amazing support network, an absolute lifeline. There is online support and real life meet ups and support too. She has made some amazing friends there who have seen her through some dark times.

Speaking as someone who has two friends who have lost partners, please don't be afraid to ask for help. People will generally be desperate to be able to help you but may not know what is appropriate.

So sorry once again. I think you just need to take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself. As for the funeral, I would take your DC.

Firstpregnancy2014 · 12/10/2014 20:34

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't have much helpful advice.. But my mum died a few weeks ago. She took her own life so it was massively unexpected and I'm 21 and 34 weeks pregnant so obviously not as young as your children.. But the best coping strategy for me has been my dad.
He has stayed strong for me and it's been so reassuring to see him looking after himself. My youngest cousins didn't come to the funeral, what we did do was arrange a little post box at the funeral so everyone could write down happy memories and qualities that my mum had. We then sat down and read these with my cousins. It's so important to remember the happy times. Take care xxx

FrancisdeSales · 12/10/2014 20:37

OP I haven't read all the replies but I would encourage you to take all the children to the funeral. I decided not to go to my mum's funeral at 13 and in the long run I think my grief deepened because her death didn't seem real (I was obviously in severe shock). I fantasised that she had run off and would come back (I still have dreams where she returns from her 'trip' and I'm 46.) It is going to be horrendous for you all for a long time but go through your grief together and help your children acknowledge the loss and understand it is real as it is the only way through and out the other side. Don't hide your grief too much either so they understand the sadness and tears they feel are normal, acceptable and you can be open with each other.

Also I would ask someone to take photos at the funeral so you can look at them and talk about the funeral in years to come. Due to shock there is a good chance you won't remember anything but the children may want to keep processing it for a long time.

twentyten · 12/10/2014 20:38

So very sorry. You are being amazing. Take all the help on offer.ThanksThanksThanks

FrancisdeSales · 12/10/2014 20:43

I'm sorry OP I forgot to say that I am so saddened to hear of the terrible early death of your husband. You sound like you are doing an incredible job of loving your children and caring for their needs, you are such a loving mum xxxxx

Jb291 · 12/10/2014 20:44

I am so very sorry for your loss OP. Please try and be gentle with yourself and take things one day at a time.

ReallyAIBU · 12/10/2014 20:46

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Thinking of you and your family Flowers

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