my DH died last week. what do i do now

[lickingstars]

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

I don't really know how I am.
When I am with the DCs I feel rather numb like I am just focused on going through the motions but I don't really remember a lot of the stuff we have done.

I have 2 close friends who are always bring cake and food round and they are checking up on me a lot. A few people from work have been great too. PILs live around the corner and my DB and SIL are great and really helpful. I have also been on some of the links mentioned here. So I have loads of support.

Honestly the nights are the worst. It's just me and its just wired. I tend to stay downstairs for as long as possible and then I go up to bed when I can just about keep my eyes open. Because sleeping in that bed is hard because he should be there and he isn't and I end up crying myself to sleep.

I miss him so much sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and never talk to anyone ever again but then the DCs wake up or they come in the room and I make myself get up for them.

I'm so sorry if posting that upset you, but I do honestly think opening up and talking about how you are feeling well help. I know is still quite soon but have you considered counselling at all?

Is great that your PILs are nearby - for you and your dc's.
I completely understand what you say about the nights being the hardest and I don't know what to suggest to change that. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, I truly am.
You sound very strong, and I know you'll find a way to get through this.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh poor you, Licking, that must have been very hard seeing your precious little DC so upset.

But you know, long-term I'm sure it's healthy for them to express their grief and cry. Much better for them than bottling it all up. And good for them to see you cry too - that you are all in the same boat and that you all loved your DH and are going through the grief together.

Another suggestion would be the cinema, it can help to take their minds off things for a short time and give them (and you hopefully) a little break.

I'm glad you work 3 days, it will help you too to have some sense of routine I hope. Are you under any pressure to return or could you leave it until after half-term if you wanted to?

So sorry for your loss.love to you all x

Oh gosh Licking, I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a truly wonderful mum doing an amazing job in unbelievably difficult circumstances. Your inner strength and love for them shines through your posts. Take care and just keep putting one foot in front of the other

Just found this thread, so terribly sad. I'm so sorry for your loss x

Thank you the cinema is a great idea.
I can go back to work after half term if I want to. Which is probably what I will end up doing for ease more than anything really. We shall see how it goes.

The Dc mihjt appreciate having you with them for that week, but do build in some breaks for yourself if possible.

Hope you've had a decent weekend licking and the roast went ok.

The roast went down great thank you.
Frozen veg, aunt bessies roasters and Yorkshires, and precooked chicken from the local supermarket. Not what they are used to but the younger two didn't notice so it was good.

Sounds like your halfway-house roast was a much better idea than you frazzling yourself doing a full Delia. Hope you are doing ok.

No wise words but just popping in to offer some virtual support. We are listening. x

So sorry for your loss. Sending hugs xxx

How are you doing lickingstars? Have been thinking of you and your family.

A family member lose her dh a few weeks ago after a very short illness she has joined the website WAY they offer lots of support and advice to young widows why don't you try there . I'm so sorry for your loss x