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Original poster

my DH died last week. what do i do now

240 replies

lickingstars · 12/10/2014 18:23

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

OP posts:
momb · 14/10/2014 10:43

Glad to hear that DS did so well at school yesterday. Hopefully he will be able to keep himself busy with the support of the teachers and his friends.
I hope you and the Dds are doing Ok too since your talk.
You are in my thoughts.

Lemonylemon · 14/10/2014 10:59

Lickingstars My OH died of a stroke several years ago. For the first few weeks, all I could do was to breathe in and breathe out again. Sometimes the people you think you can really rely on in times like this, just fall at the first fence. If you aren't already on the forum, can I suggest www.merrywidow.me.uk? Plenty of people on there in a situation like yours. Lots of sympathetic ears.

My DS was 10 when OH died. DD hadn't been born yet, so the best that I could do was to keep DS's routine going. I think that's all you can do. For counselling, there's CRUSE and also Winston's Wish for children. They're very helpful.

Shout out on here too. Posters here give support to all who need it. x

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 14/10/2014 11:04
Flowers

I am very sorry for your loss. There are no right choices.

I lost my dad when I was 7. My only two penny worth from the experience would be to recommend you let grief happen. Crying, seeing you cry, seeing their dad being missed is actually good. It validates their feelings. I am not saying to wallow in it, but to acknowledge the new situation everyone is in.

The talk you had about the funeral and doing drawings, etc was great.

My family did the reverse and pretended nothing had happened, nobody mentioned dad from one day to the next (presumably to spare my feelingsm but also because it was suicide in a Catholic family, so a big no-no). I was not allowed to grieve and followed the cue from the adults around me. They did not mention him, so I did not. Hysterically, years later an uncle accused me of being a heartless bitch because I did not cry when my father died.

Have a cry every now and then. It takes strength to do so.

Hugs ((((o))))

Original poster
lickingstars · 14/10/2014 17:36

DS spent the whole day at school today bless him. He didn't want to go this morning in case something happened.
I promised him that it wouldn't and he could ask his teachers to call me in if he was worried like yesterday. But he went in and he was fine and he told me that he had fun.

We went out town afterwards because DD1 wanted a new top for the funeral and to be honest DS needed a half decent pair of jeans. The dress code for the funeral is casual/whatever you fancy because DH hated suits and getting dressed up for things.

Whilst there DD2 saw a pair of sparkly shoes to go with the Disney princess dress she is wearing for the funeral. She asked for them and I said yes. Then DD1 was a bit 'off' with me which ended with a meltdown in the car because the shoes DD2 chose shoes that won't match her dress. (Dress is yellow and shoes are red so it was true but not the point) so I had to calm her down whilst parked in front of someone's drive because there was nowhere else and she was really upset.

She has calmed down now and says that buying the clothes just upset her.

On the brighter side we got a subway so I didn't have to cook and everyone has clothes for Thursday so I don't have to worry about that now.

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 14/10/2014 19:53

Poor dd1, I suppose all the preparations for his funeral are making it all more real for her. So painful.
Sending you all more love xxx

Original poster
lickingstars · 14/10/2014 20:30

Yes I suppose it is making it more real for both of us really.
She is feeling a bit better now we bought some Ben and Jerrys (usually only buy it if it is on special offer) to watch with the apprentice and the little ones are in bed so everything is much calmer now anyway.

OP posts:
ReallyAIBU · 14/10/2014 21:08

Lickingstars I think you are all doing so well.
Just taking things one step at a time like you are, is great.
Well done Flowers
xxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
lickingstars · 15/10/2014 20:11

The funeral is tomorrow
I don't want to go. I feel sick.
I went today with the DCs drawings to put in the coffin and I saw the wreaths today they are lovely.

OP posts:
northernlurker · 15/10/2014 20:19

Tomorrow will be tough but it has to be done and it's part of the process. Just grit your teeth and get through it and it will be done and that's one day, one experience you don't ever have to do again.
Have you had much to eat today? Get yourself a hot drink if nothing else.
Part of the reason you feel sick right now is adrenaline. Your body knows what it needs to do to get you through tomorrow and it's getting geared up.
So put some more fuel in the tank - because that's what food and drink is for - and let your body get you through. It knows what to do.

Stuffofawesome · 15/10/2014 20:19

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Original poster
lickingstars · 15/10/2014 20:29

I ate at 6 with the DCs so I am okay in that sense.
It's just the thought of going and saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 15/10/2014 20:31

Lickingstars, you sound amazing. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

twentyten · 15/10/2014 20:35

Wishing you strength and peace. You sound amazing. You can do it for him. You will always have his memory.

Make him proud.ThanksThanks

Joywillcome · 15/10/2014 20:38

I am so sorry.

I think you are amazing to even think about cooking at a time like this. It's ok to cry in front of your children - you can tell them that mummy is very sad, but that you wont cry forever. Your son sounds wonderful too - even a 6 they can say the most empathetic things.

Keep posting - and let people here hold your hand. xx

Original poster
lickingstars · 15/10/2014 20:50

They are great kids. I just wish they didn't have to do this.
They have had to put up with extra long cuddles and kisses and me forgetting how they like their cereal in the morning. They don't complain they just say it's okay mummy. I love you. And it breaks my heart that they are so lovely but this has still happened.

OP posts:
Agnesmum · 15/10/2014 20:50

I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow. I cannot imagine what you are going through. xxx

LesleyKnopeFan · 15/10/2014 20:50

I just wanted to post how utterly sorry I am for you and your family.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. As a pp said just breathe in and out and take each second as it comes.

Nobody will expect anything of you other than how you want to act or be. There is no right way to grieve or be at a funeral.

Do not think of it as a goodbye, try to think of it as a way of everybody who loved your DH coming together for him, you and your family.

Try to keep his memory alive, although it will be very painful at times. Talk to your kids about him, look at pictures, watch videos (I'm not saying right now, but when you are ready to). Focus on all the happy memories.

I've been alive for more years without my Dad that I had with him and we've always struggled to talk about him. His memory has faded and I wished we'd all talked about him more, it's too late and painful now.

Take as much time as you need, take up any offers of help you want and don't feel forced into doing anything.

Very best wishes and heartfelt condolences to you all Thanks

Original poster
lickingstars · 15/10/2014 21:01

I know we are all there for him but it feels so final.
My DB and SIL are coming here early tomorrow to help me get the DCs ready and take us there so that's sorted.

OP posts:
wilddogbert · 15/10/2014 21:13

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your DCs all the best.
Take a deep breath and take tomorrow an hour at a time if you have too.
Thanks
thinking of you tomorrow
Xxxx

Meerka · 15/10/2014 21:18

Thinking of you licking and your lovely children, tonight and tomorrow Flowers

Quangle · 15/10/2014 21:22

God I'm so sorry. What an awful thing. You and your children sound lovely and you are in my thoughts.

thewomaninwhite · 15/10/2014 21:28

Keeping you all in my thoughts lickingstars and sending strength for tomorrow.

emma16 · 15/10/2014 21:35

I've no real advice for you my love but i wanted to say I'm very sorry you've lost your DH at such a young age, life really isn't fair at times.
Us women seem to be able to put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves in all different situations, but I hope you don't and just take one day at a time.
Keep your lovely children close, have lots of cuddles & kisses, it'll be reassuring & loving for all of you.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow & sending lots of love to you.
It's not Goodbye, you'll never say Goodbye, he'll always be with you making sure your all ok xxx

Scattaboy · 15/10/2014 21:38

I am so so sorry you are going through this.Sending you lots of hugs.x

kelper · 15/10/2014 21:43

Thinking of you all for tomorrow xxxx