Dear NSTBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Dear NSTBXH,

I was safely met at the court and walked up to team WWK's room, led by my solicitor, and followed by yours, who actually is a nice, smiley woman - good with children, I'd expect.

She has selected a barrister, who also has a face suitable for children, which is good, I think, given her specialism is y'know them little beings and what not.

But the bad news, the judge was a fellow barrister, and not a judge, just deputising for one. He specialises in...well you guessed it. Quite a cosy team they made too.

The lovely SHB, who is an attractive enough woman, but definitely would 'frighten the children', is just lovely (to me) was already there to meet me.

"Why I am here?" She asked as we entered the room.

'Cos I is getting divorced, innit?' I said, hopefully.

So off she popped to find a more sensible person.

But sadly came back with the news that the 'shb' doesn't know why she's here either.

Anyway off SHB went to do her thing in the corridor with 'shb', which is mostly just standing around chatting over our respective positions.

Mine was sitting down drinking tea, back to the door. I never got to see yours.

Your 'shb' submitted today was just a waste of time, so we should all just prepare for a Final Hearing. My SHB submitted that if you would like to make a reasonable offer, than something could be salvaged and we could spare ourselves the stress of litigation.

Ever pessimistic, SHL and I decided to attack your fourth Form E and start preparing for a Final Hearing, whilst we had SHB on board (and paid for).

Then 'shb' called out 'SHB', the latter being a very wise woman, may be a secret Mumsnetter. Well, Who knows? But she does know 'No' is a complete sentence.

Would I revise downward the maintenance?

No.

Apparently this was the wrong answer.

Would we treat this as a Fuckwits Demonstrate Reasonableness Session?

No.

Don't think you were overly chuffed at that either.

Would I at least discuss the maintenance pending suit being unfair?

No.

Seriously? No. Fuck off.

Would I provide the answers to the questionnaire today?

No.

It transpires you are very pissed off indeed, and feel very badly treated. Do I care?

Nope.

We asked that you would consider paying something towards the costs you have forced on to me.

Apparently, not.

We suggested that we ask the judge to grant a Legal Services Order, and informed them that we had proposed to submit a Wasted Costs Order.

So you agreed to release all the capital tied up in my solicitor's account to help me overcome the on-going problems you have been dumping on me since you left, and also to fund my legal fees.

Hallelujah!

So I can at least pay for today's waste of time.

So six hours sitting in a stuffy room, lots of giggles were had, and just one near cry.

The realisation that by you effectively spending all my Spousal Maintenance each month, and leaving me in a hell of a hole: all you have done, is pushed up my needs and proved it's inadequate, and left me sleepless for days at a time (including last night).

So SHB then went to tackle this.

You have agreed not to apply for the absolute until at the earliest next year. Should either of us feel the need to do otherwise, we go to prison.

It seems we are now in a forced marriage.

And one you must continue paying for until a court decides otherwise.

I bet you're furious.

Secondly, your spending is excessive. Your shifting of the assets and hiding them, has raised lots of questions. You have now signed undertakings to cease this 'master of the universe' behaviour.

Or go to prison.

Well done. You agree to unfreezing mine, and then got your own frozen.

We have agreed to have minimum contact, and only on very specific points. No more nonsense.

I can finally sleep at night knowing I can pay the bills in the short term, and your pestering of me must stop.

So there was lots of to-ing and fro-ing between the barristers (all three of them) whilst I drank tea, worked on your Form E v.4 with SHL.

It's entirely predictable that a Fuckwits Demonstrate Reasonableness is not going to be fruitful, and so finally your 'shb' informed the court that this was one of those 'exceptional cases' that doesn't get to have an FDR. But still we pushed for one, in the hope you would try and co-operate with this divorce you instigated.

But nope.

And so we now head into a Final Hearing instead. For me that's a good result (cheaper), but SHL and SHB not so much - they have to cancel their holidays.

The only winner of today was little old 'me'. The judge couldn't give a fuck, and the legal teams aren't happy at all with the proceedings. As for you?

I don't give a fuck.

We have a very strict timetable. Given we have met the previous timetable exactly as prescribed, and yours haven't - good luck with that. One deviance and the Final Hearing will be delayed. You have to rely on 'shs' now getting her act together.

Not.my.problem.com

Talking of whom, your smiley shs was pretty pissed off by the end of the day though, opening the door and slamming down paperwork. But the most amusing part was your barrister shouting at mine in the corridor.

Amazing how you make so many women miserable and antsy. Isn't it?

SHL and I were in fits of giggles. I only nearly broke down once today, and I can assure you it wasn't about you. It was about the hell of the last five months, the shocking way you left, and the endless misery of having to cope with it, the stunts you have pulled.

But the undertakings are so extensive, I know what I have to do in the five months to survive. I know what you can't do anymore. And I imagine you are furious you are going to have to keep me in my lovely home until at least then.

So I didn't see you today, other than the back of your head, as we were in a proper court room, which I didn't expect. The 'judge' asked you some questions and you spoke, but just like the last hearing, your disembodied voice isn't really that bothersome.

And so neither are my feelings about you these days.

And hilariously, the song on the radio as I came home:

I came in, checked my emails, and have received an email from the police regarding the other idiot who has caused me some grief this year, and who has been dealt with by the courts this week as well. It says,

Victim Support are able to offer you emotional and practical support, they can be contacted on 0845 6121 900

Thought you might make better use of it. I'm doing okay all things considered.

Wife, still getting divorced.

(Sorry good people of MN...I may be ranting on here for quite some time).

Get a drink, change your clothes and get comfy....
Then HURRY UP and tell us!
can you tell I'm champing at the bit here?

O brilliant...tell all! You sound in good spirits so I hope it's good news.

Hope it went well today xx

I'll pout your wine for you

YEY! Good news all round I hope, type quicker please!

Hooray you've survived! Well done. and more

Feeling guilty now for being rude, I'll deliver it in two or three parts.

Part 1:

Dear NYExH,

That be Not Yet Ex Husband - I would like to say it was good seeing you today. But I was reasonably 'meh' about it truth be told. I had my head for business on, my G&T filled slimline trousers pre-purchased for the FDA, the FDA-acquired jumper that was reasonably snug-fitting in October finished off my court look by hanging off my lightweight frame.

But I was in heavyweight mode leaving home this morning. I was a woman with an Armeggedon Plan and I was going to leave my lovely, but undecreed house today, knowing that when I did the return journey, I'd be a little bit more knowledgeable about how much to believe the 'woomen'...

Bolstered on by the radio at full blast my life in irony continued...

I got in that shit heap of a car you dumped on me, and drove to court arriving in good time and warbling wantonly and recklessly away to the song on the radio. My life in irony continues.

And so began the day of reckoning. Only, as with all things involving you, it included some stunning acts of blind-siding.

Not least your arrival in the court to meet your 'shs' and err, well, err, how do I put this? Your slightly more grown-up counsel. The somewhat smiley-good-with-children-barrister (shb) having been despatched for babysitting duties or something. We didn't know much about your current counsel (CC) to be honest, SHB having never heard of her, and as we were pressed for time to go and bow at the feet of Grumpy Gudge, we didn't bother with our usual research. Instead, just before heading into court, CC, who as I say was a bit more of a realist, called out the lovely SHB, who had worked all weekend on my case, until 2:15 this morning (ironically about the same time I dropped off) to inform her of her client's "case"

I was without tea, but sat down nonetheless with SHL who looked very glam, it had to be said.

SHB came back in fits of giggles. Apparently CC's case to Grumpy Gudge (who very much lived up to his name this morning...) was that it was outrageously wrong that Mr Snowey Whitey had been deprived from having an FDR and that this should not be a final hearing, as this case was ripe for settlement. Moreover, if it was to be a final hearing, the time allocated for the hearing was far too insufficient, that it infact needed at least two, if not two and a half days. Quite frankly, her client, Mr SW would be prejudiced if we continued to Final Hearing.

Which is odd, because that's what SHB said at the FDA, and Children's Specialist Judge had disagreed, and supported his colleague 'shb'.

And so SHB rather politely informed the Grumpy Gudge that apparently "the husband" had massively changed his tune, and he should expect a lot more of that as the day continued... WWK reminded herself that the lovely paralegal diplomatically called him 'very changeable'. And so he remained...

Whereupon, we were all grumpily ordered out of court to go and have a long think about how we wished to proceed.

WWK's case was FFS!

WWK's case was there is not enough fucking gin for me to have an FDR today, which will resolve nadda, and then to have to come back for a Final Hearing in a few months' time.

Neither is there enough money.

Added to which she was informed by Cognitive Arseholiance himself on Friday that she would have to make do with the "Bull and Pollyanna" disclosure and 'get over it'.

And she had the hump about that.

SHL and WWK sat somewhat bemused, and occasionally amused by the latest developments in a side room, and sent out SHB to inform the other side that if the "husband" wished to convert this to FDR and run the risk of a FH later on, irrespective of whether WWK accepts any of his offers, then he will have to now pay all legal costs until the outcome of the Arsepondent's Relief Matters.

Cognitive Arseholiance himself had a little think and changed his mind.

And so we began the Final Hearing.

Bloody hell, all that in a short space of time....
I bet you're knackered but buzzing too.
Awaiting the next episode (and hoping GG was suitably grumpy in your favour). Loving the new nn for his arseholiness.

Ooooh Im glad he started off by pissing off GG!!
And looking like a twat

So predictable! He couldnt just turn up and do the necessary could he? I hope that this further display of fuckwittery did not go unpunished.......

That was a good start to the day's proceedings...

Sounds good WWK. I was regretting accepting a dinner invite tonight as I might have missed out on the news.

I am hanging on thread for the next nail-biting installment.

Ooohh cliffhanger? When do we get the next installment? Part one, no suprises, as I believe we were all expecting him to play silly buggers, but maybe some mild amusement that he played his hand so strongly that early in the game. Tactical error methinks.

It's better than anything on the telly this...

Can someone enlighten me as to what a FDR is? I googled it & the results were Franklin D Roosevelt!

Hold - financial dispute resolution.

Mine - thanks.

And so our proceedings began.

SHB had her "Skelly", which is legaltastic speak for Skeleton Argument, which is the ‘bare bones’ of why we are in a Final Hearing and what the issues are for Grumpy Gudge to find on. SHB’s skeleton argument was a little on the obese side it has to be said. CC’s really terribly anorexic.

And so with that done, I strode confidently, elegantly, with total poise and dignity into the ‘witness box’ and upon entering it, thanked God that I hadn’t fallen head first into it, letting out a little fart upon landing. I swore, naturally, to God to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And I managed not to swear once during three hours of giving evidence and cross examination.

But in my pretty little head I was thinking ‘God my bony arse is suffering on this ridiculous little wooden bench’. Thereafter, I was taken through the five court bundles. Now common sense to Little Miss Pragmatic me would assume that this means they would be in a logical order. I have no idea how to communicate ‘a logical order’, but if you imagine having to manage five lever arch files, and a ‘witness box’ that discriminates against ‘plus-sized people’ you kind of get the picture.

So my logic and the legal logic are, as ‘the-dearly-dispensed-with-shb’ would say, ‘too far apart on the issues’.

But nonetheless, I was guided through the bundles and asked to swear that this was my sworn Form E, and then swear that was my signature at the end of it, and that it had not radically changed upon signing the declaration of truth. Thereupon, repeat ad infinitum, swearing profusely against Questionnaire Q1, Q2, Q3. Q4 was MIA…

Thereupon, I continued to curse my way through my Schedule of Deficiencies, although SoD II was also MIA.

CC did not point out to the court that absence of Qv4 nor SoD II. Wisely, given I was only sent them on Friday…

But I championed on and having spent a considerable amount of time swearing, and overcoming adversity (File 4 spectacularly fell apart – but what did I expect as that contained quite a bit of his documentation…), I continued to overcome adversity and began to do the only think I knew how – which was to communicate my situation, my frustration, my sadness and my suffering in a non-blaming fashion (as advised by SHL).

Instead I articulated my total devastation and more recent recovery, my utter despair with Mr SW’s wilful refusal to co-operate with the divorce, my total loss of self-esteem and bewilderment as to how I get myself out of this mess...

All the time, Snowey Whitey was grumbling to shs. But, I don’t care what the thinks anymore, I can say, do and think what I need to say, do and think. I don’t need his permission. He was not a happy Snowey Whitey.

What really surprised me, though, was two things, I had been under the illusion that I would not get to talk much about ‘what’s gone under the bridge’ in the marriage and during the divorce, but in fact I got to talk about that at length, particularly the ‘day of blindsiding’. In fact, about 30 minutes had passed when CC interjected, having received a note from Mr SW, to say it was the Arsepondent’s case that her total devastation of the last 8.5 months was not in dispute. And so we moved on to other matters...

I'm in awe...
The opportunity to have your say must have been wonderful.

3 hours?! That would have finished me off! Well done you :)

3 hours? I have done some looooooong presentattions in my time but 3 hours in a witness box would have seen me carried off to a dark room!

passes a glass to WWK

oh to have been a fly on the wall

So he admitted to arsewipiness for that part then :)

Other Matters.

Now THIS is when its going to get interesting for Mr SW. I predict a fair amount of indignant huffing and puffing