Dear NSTBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Dear NSTBXH,

I was safely met at the court and walked up to team WWK's room, led by my solicitor, and followed by yours, who actually is a nice, smiley woman - good with children, I'd expect.

She has selected a barrister, who also has a face suitable for children, which is good, I think, given her specialism is y'know them little beings and what not.

But the bad news, the judge was a fellow barrister, and not a judge, just deputising for one. He specialises in...well you guessed it. Quite a cosy team they made too.

The lovely SHB, who is an attractive enough woman, but definitely would 'frighten the children', is just lovely (to me) was already there to meet me.

"Why I am here?" She asked as we entered the room.

'Cos I is getting divorced, innit?' I said, hopefully.

So off she popped to find a more sensible person.

But sadly came back with the news that the 'shb' doesn't know why she's here either.

Anyway off SHB went to do her thing in the corridor with 'shb', which is mostly just standing around chatting over our respective positions.

Mine was sitting down drinking tea, back to the door. I never got to see yours.

Your 'shb' submitted today was just a waste of time, so we should all just prepare for a Final Hearing. My SHB submitted that if you would like to make a reasonable offer, than something could be salvaged and we could spare ourselves the stress of litigation.

Ever pessimistic, SHL and I decided to attack your fourth Form E and start preparing for a Final Hearing, whilst we had SHB on board (and paid for).

Then 'shb' called out 'SHB', the latter being a very wise woman, may be a secret Mumsnetter. Well, Who knows? But she does know 'No' is a complete sentence.

Would I revise downward the maintenance?

No.

Apparently this was the wrong answer.

Would we treat this as a Fuckwits Demonstrate Reasonableness Session?

No.

Don't think you were overly chuffed at that either.

Would I at least discuss the maintenance pending suit being unfair?

No.

Seriously? No. Fuck off.

Would I provide the answers to the questionnaire today?

No.

It transpires you are very pissed off indeed, and feel very badly treated. Do I care?

Nope.

We asked that you would consider paying something towards the costs you have forced on to me.

Apparently, not.

We suggested that we ask the judge to grant a Legal Services Order, and informed them that we had proposed to submit a Wasted Costs Order.

So you agreed to release all the capital tied up in my solicitor's account to help me overcome the on-going problems you have been dumping on me since you left, and also to fund my legal fees.

Hallelujah!

So I can at least pay for today's waste of time.

So six hours sitting in a stuffy room, lots of giggles were had, and just one near cry.

The realisation that by you effectively spending all my Spousal Maintenance each month, and leaving me in a hell of a hole: all you have done, is pushed up my needs and proved it's inadequate, and left me sleepless for days at a time (including last night).

So SHB then went to tackle this.

You have agreed not to apply for the absolute until at the earliest next year. Should either of us feel the need to do otherwise, we go to prison.

It seems we are now in a forced marriage.

And one you must continue paying for until a court decides otherwise.

I bet you're furious.

Secondly, your spending is excessive. Your shifting of the assets and hiding them, has raised lots of questions. You have now signed undertakings to cease this 'master of the universe' behaviour.

Or go to prison.

Well done. You agree to unfreezing mine, and then got your own frozen.

We have agreed to have minimum contact, and only on very specific points. No more nonsense.

I can finally sleep at night knowing I can pay the bills in the short term, and your pestering of me must stop.

So there was lots of to-ing and fro-ing between the barristers (all three of them) whilst I drank tea, worked on your Form E v.4 with SHL.

It's entirely predictable that a Fuckwits Demonstrate Reasonableness is not going to be fruitful, and so finally your 'shb' informed the court that this was one of those 'exceptional cases' that doesn't get to have an FDR. But still we pushed for one, in the hope you would try and co-operate with this divorce you instigated.

But nope.

And so we now head into a Final Hearing instead. For me that's a good result (cheaper), but SHL and SHB not so much - they have to cancel their holidays.

The only winner of today was little old 'me'. The judge couldn't give a fuck, and the legal teams aren't happy at all with the proceedings. As for you?

I don't give a fuck.

We have a very strict timetable. Given we have met the previous timetable exactly as prescribed, and yours haven't - good luck with that. One deviance and the Final Hearing will be delayed. You have to rely on 'shs' now getting her act together.

Not.my.problem.com

Talking of whom, your smiley shs was pretty pissed off by the end of the day though, opening the door and slamming down paperwork. But the most amusing part was your barrister shouting at mine in the corridor.

Amazing how you make so many women miserable and antsy. Isn't it?

SHL and I were in fits of giggles. I only nearly broke down once today, and I can assure you it wasn't about you. It was about the hell of the last five months, the shocking way you left, and the endless misery of having to cope with it, the stunts you have pulled.

But the undertakings are so extensive, I know what I have to do in the five months to survive. I know what you can't do anymore. And I imagine you are furious you are going to have to keep me in my lovely home until at least then.

So I didn't see you today, other than the back of your head, as we were in a proper court room, which I didn't expect. The 'judge' asked you some questions and you spoke, but just like the last hearing, your disembodied voice isn't really that bothersome.

And so neither are my feelings about you these days.

And hilariously, the song on the radio as I came home:

I came in, checked my emails, and have received an email from the police regarding the other idiot who has caused me some grief this year, and who has been dealt with by the courts this week as well. It says,

Victim Support are able to offer you emotional and practical support, they can be contacted on 0845 6121 900

Thought you might make better use of it. I'm doing okay all things considered.

Wife, still getting divorced.

(Sorry good people of MN...I may be ranting on here for quite some time).

Thanks all! I'm okay.

I've finally, finally, finally slept more than four hours in a night since he left.

Ten! Ten whole hours!

If I could afford it, I'd have SHB come round to interrogate a lullaby to me every night if that's the result.

Lord above, do I now know why absolutely everything must be done to keep yourself out of the court system - it is tough!

I shall remain defiantly law-abiding for the rest of my life.

No hard feelings towards SHB at all I am paying her a lot of money to do her job - do it she must. But good God does he not understand what's heading his way.

All it revealed is that he left me in a financial hell-hole and I've done the best I can to get myself out of it. This, I'm sure, does not come as jaw-dropping news to anyone. But the stress of that at times has been relentless.

On the other hand, he who has all the money...has some tough questions to answer.

But he said he wanted to go straight to final hearing and not negotiate out of court.

And he got what he wanted.

If ever there was a moral to the story it's this one. When you start of in divorce it's all about what 'he says' and you believe it totally and completely and you're terrified he's going to get it all the way he says he wants it.

But by the end it all comes down to what 'he says'.

And if that's proven to be a load of bollocks then so be it.

SHB interrogation gave us a world of answers, and which I just have to provide the evidence - not just all his bullying emails of yonderyear, but evidence in bank accounts, my own diaries etc. Thankfully, whilst this is time-consuming it's all there.

The only thing I'm annoyed about is just what a law-abiding, goody two-shoes I am. I have done everything that has been asked of me, not always as well as others might do it, but as well as I could! And that's okay.

The only thing in my bank account that indicates that I've recklessly squandered cash is the speeding penalty course I had to attend.

Go me!

At the appropriate speed.

Now I Know (NIK)

There is a real freedom in finally admitting that ' this shit is beyond my control'. Luckily you have SHL/SHB to try and control the runaway train that is divorce. But first they had to wrest the controls from you.

You know, even if you were to walk away with nothing (which isn't going to happen btw) you will still have won the world because you will have your honest self and will be free from a controlling, abusive, egotistical man-child.

WWK is truly NIK. Because contrary to the old saying, ignorance is NEVER bliss and it is NEVER folly to be wise.

'And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.'

Dear STBXH,

I am busy getting some evidence together for our bundle. I read this written by you to the judge back in July when we preparing for court for the first time. It has not half made me laugh.

I will ensure that Form E is presented on August 29th and I firmly believe we can agree an amicable settlement without further court action.

And you signed it under the line

I believe the facts stated in this statement are true

And, it transpires quite a few of them weren't at all.

Oh dear.

Never mind.

Even though I do.

Person. Getting on with shit.

Get some more put into the sleep bank tonight.
The only song I can think of would be the one that goes 'Oh, what fuck-wittery is this?' a la Amy Winehouse...
But you might be better off without it!

Dear STBXH,

I am writing to politely request that you stop being a bombastic arse and spare yourself the hell that is heading your way. Because, really, I don't like to see people suffer. I don't get any pleasure from it.

Thank fuck you no longer qualify as 'people' in my mind.

And grateful for the fact that Jekyll has decided Hyde is his match made in heaven and eloped.

My first, and only, offer has been made now that we have something that apparently is "Full" and "Frank" disclosure by way of Form E v.4. Yes, we know it's more "Bull" and "Pollyana" but that's a matter between you and the lovely SHB.

But, of course, please continue to be a bombastic arse and put yourself through the hell that is heading your way.

You'll see that all I'm asking for is perfectly reasonable, sensible and guaranteed to irritate the fuck out of you for the remainder of your natural (voodoo permitting) miserable disgusting pathetic years.

That I am too am wishing you gangrene, syphilis, and impotence, apparently is just words, and offers are about numbers. That's why I have a solicitor 'cos she's clever and knows about these things.

Please also accept the three beautifully crafted letters from the lovely SHL to the mildly irritant 'shs', complaining about your conduct of the last week. Oh, and my signed answers to my 'Schedule of Deficiencies', in which your side's attitude and ridiculousness have been torn apart.

Quite "Frankly", when I supplied by answers in "Full", you writing that my sworn answers are 'not true' or 'not acceptable', is hilarious. If you are not happy with my sworn answers, here's another one.

Fuck off.

Or as the lovely SHL puts it: This is not a deficiency - this is a new question asking me why I have done something that you previously decreed I do. Or decree that I must undo something you have previously decreed I do.

Having spent most of the weekend having to re-read all of your stupid decrees of yonderyear, I am now the proud owner of a 30 paged document undermining your claims, underlining your contradictions, and underpinning your inconsistencies. This has ensured I haven't had time to apply for a single job. Well done.

On the plus, it's improved my reading and typing speed.

I cannot provide the facts as you want them to be. We did particularly laugh at your decree that my supporting documentation is not in a acceptable format to you. I love how the lovely SHL has pointed out that in the hearing of July, my supporting documentation, which you are now so incensed over, was complimented for its clarity by Mr Grumpy Gudge. 'Twas just about the nicest thing he said all day, to be honest. Oh, and awarding my costs to you, gave me a warm fuzzy feeling as well.

You know when you fucked off, you left me with my ability to think, do and say what I like. And I like telling the truth. I don't like gaslighting, lying, exaggerating, misleading nor bullshitting.

We were clearly always a less than perfect match for each other.

XWife to be. Bored of getting divorced now.

Not much longer for you to be bored now. I have a feeling that far from being bored, V(very)STBE(extremely)X will probably be incandescent with impotent rage by the time Grumpy Gudge and your SH legal team has finished with him.

I live in eternal optimistic hope. A lot of the recent shenanigans are clearly driven from his hopeless defence (self-litigating) of the SM hearing, and also because he's a fuckwit.

Seriously, getting divorced is shit. Should be avoided.

I think he's thinking that DJ Grumpy Gudge, if indeed it is him at our trial, is going to haul me over the course for being a useless wife.

Whereas I'm hoping it's t'other way round.

27 days.

Frankly, he'd be driven incandescent with rage if Grumpy Gudge were to award you only a single pence. Of course, you'll be awarded much more than that so I expect to hear his head explode from here. Actually, I'm looking forward to it!

I think I've told this story before (but it's worth repeating!)
On the day of my financial settlement and absolute, I was driving home afterwards and didn't know X(hurrah!)H was right ahead of me pulled up at a junction. I was singing away at the top of my voice with sheer relief and happiness it was all over, to some specially selected 'go get 'im girl' tracks. The fury on his face was a picture oh, what a shame.
He still thinks it was a display put on for his benefit. Twat.
WWK, even if you're not driving behind him, you will be there in spirit! It's well worth all of the nonsense.

Note to self: Drive with due care and attention when leaving court - do not rear-end his car, keep far from car in front. Drive very slowly and well out of within breaking distance. Sudden breaking if followed by twat, fine.

(He's getting five separate letters sent to him tonight, three regarding conduct - that should guarantee the SHL gets a Non-Mol then)

Twat.

Further note to WWK: keep hysterical laughter and singing in the car to a minimum. Excessive displays of joyful emotion may draw the attention 'those whom we wish to avoid'.

Wait, what?!? FIVE letters!! THREE about conduct unbecoming to a fuckwit? He really is delusional, isn't he? It's amazing to me that after the slap-downs he's already gotten, he continues to believe that (and act like) he's the 'Master of the Universe'.

T'chah WWK, you'll ace it.

Yep. Five letters.

The man, who clearly states in a document being presented to court, that I could not divorce him for adultery because, and I paraphrase, his dick was 'most unbecoming', accused me of being 'most unbecoming' for following the court orders in Qv2. But in his SoD, accused me of being 'most unbecoming' for not following the exact same court order, and then Qv3 accuses me of defying court orders in a most unbecoming manner.

These all relate to the same clause of the court order.

And then of course, a most unbecoming of email was received privately to the unbecoming effect of 'fuck off', which have forced me to chose between complying with the very same clauses of the court order to communicate (which was the only clause he got put in and succeeded on - a fact I find most unbecoming). So I've now had a 'decree' to do the one thing I wanted to do in the first place - which was to not contact him at all.

And finally, in the most unbecoming of fashion, he is now refusing to comply with two court undertakings that he submitted to in the July issue. The impact on me, is most definitely, unbecoming.

All of which means I'm becoming rather discombobulated in an unbecoming fashion.

If all of this wasn't going through the 'shs', I'd just put it down to him (after all, he's been like this since the beginning). But now it's going through a solicitor, I cannot fathom why she's not picking it up and making it more 'legaltastic'.

I can't explain the reasons for sending five seperate letters in a day remotely hilarious - because a) it costs a fucking lot of money and b) it's a boring legal thing.

As the lovely SHL said, "it's become a most unbecoming abuse of process". Well, actually I lie. She actually said "What a fucking joke". Well, actually she didn't. I am lying about that too. But I ain't saying what she said 'cos you know 'without prejudice' and all that 'legal privilege' and wot not. But it sure wasn't "professional" or "legaltastic".

And she may have been on the wine. In fact, I'm certain she was -because she told me she was having a glass, and a fag after a long and hard day. It was all I could do to not invite myself over to provide a sympathetic ear....But figured that may overstep the client/professional boundary. And if my favourite legal advisor in the world is prepared to work on my case at 7pm on an evening to help me cope with last week's shenanigans - she can have a glass of wine.

I'm wishing I had gin.

Sending you bucket loads of virtual gin!
You're on the case, your SHS is on the case, both of you with your eyes wide open.
It will end - believe that.
Sleep. X

He seems to be becoming unbecomingly unhinged.

I hope the proceedings aren't interrupted by the heart condition which could take him off at any second becoming unbecomingly troublesome.

sorry it's not gin

Nope. He's been this unhinged since the beginning. Or, as the lovely paralegal put it incredibly diplomatically: 'very changeable'.

Honestly, whenever I have to go to the lovely SHL's office, I feel utterly ashamed that I have cried buckets over this man.

However, at some point in the proceedings, I kissed the ground with the news he had employed a solicitor.

She's seriously hopeless. Or, he's seriously unhinged. Who knows.

I must have had superhuman powers to be married to this man for fifteen years.

But, please, dear God, make them powers go away soon!

I just have this little mental vision of unhinged fuckwit clutching his chest and moaning and a totally unimpressed Grumpy Gudge reminding him to sign various papers before the ambulance arrives.

You must have had the patience of several saints to have been married to this man for so long without resorting to murder, but love does strange things.

It's a huge shock when the scales fall from your eyes and you see them for what they've always been without the love tinted spectacles.

Love does do strange things. It makes us change who we are so as not to upset them. It makes us watch what we say so as not to make them angry. It makes us hide what we do so as not to provoke them. And then, suddenly, it all changes. Either because they shock us into reality (as your STBX did) by walking out on you or we shock ourselves into reality by saying 'NO MORE' and walking out ourselves (as I did to long-ago ex). Either way, we come out the far side of divorce a bit bruised but much stronger. And we love ourselves much more than we did before.

Blimey. He sounds off his head.

WWK please never abuse my cartoon image of him as being small, nearly bald, a paunch, chest wig, medallion and wearing lifts.

It'll soon be over! I shall miss you though.

SometimesIThinkInCartoonsTiggaxx

Not far off dawn, not far off at all.

26 days.

Can we make you an advent-like calendar to mark the count down.

What with little gin bottles behind the doors? Super idea!