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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 02:01

This has happened to me on more than one occasion with more than one person. It truly sucks. It's assault. I would not give anyone the benefit of the doubt if they did it to me now, it's clearly crossing a boundary that is obvious to anyone with half a brain. If you have never discussed wanting to do it there is no grey area. It's a horrible act of power and using someone. It's hugely disrespectful, to say the least.

In my experience, if I let someone get away with this they only went on to do worse, it was a kind of green light. I wish I had cut my losses and immediately ditched them.

Original poster

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 02:12

It really does suck doesn't it? I think the worst bit is knowing that someone who is supposed to care about you would try and do something that is clearly going to hurt you!

The only explanation I can come up with is that I've let him touch me there, so he thought that gave him the green light to go further? But surely to god you would ask first? He's an intelligent person, and I am just gob smacked at his thoughtlessness.

I don't think he will ever do it again, but it has changed the way I look at him. He has gone from someone I had a great time in bed with to someone who tried to hurt me...even if it was unintentional.

Porn has a lot to answer for in my opinion...

OP posts:

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 02:17

I don't know you, the guy or anything about your relationship but I am almost certain he would do it again. He knew full well what he was doing. He knew if he asked you'd probably say no, so he thought he wouldn't bother asking and take the choice away from you. Thoroughly depressing. I know how you feel.

Original poster

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 02:27

I think he did know what he was doing, and that makes it very hard to accept. I was tired; not firing on all cylinders, and deep down I feel like he took advantage of that. It's just he is such a sweetie usually that it makes such knowledge hard to process.

I fear young men now just think anal is as normal and easy as vaginal intercourse. They think it just slips in like it does in films, and that it's no big deal.

You're right; it is thoroughly, thoroughly depressing.

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LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 08:50

Whether anal is normal or easy is kind of another point. He needs to know about consent.

loloftherings · 02/10/2014 08:56

I don't agree with KateeGee that he would do it again or didn't ask because he knew you'd say no.
I think it originates from porn where anal is more or less obligatory these days.
It doesn't matter whether he's got it from watching - from reading men's forums it seems that for younger men, it's seen as normal as e.g. oral.
He's 20, still learning, he's made a misjudment, not necessarily a malicious decision.

Original poster

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 09:04

I really don't think he will try it again...with anyone ever! I did absolutely raise the roof at him, explain about consent etc. I know porn is mostly to blame.

I still can't help feeling differently about him though. I just never would have thought it was the sort of trick he would have tried to pull. Young or not; I honestly thought he had more respect for me than that. Am I over-reacting? Do I just give him the benefit of the doubt? I just don't know...

OP posts:

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 09:07

Yes lolo maybe you are right, perhaps he will not cross the line again. I just don't think anyone could possibly do it without knowing that it will upset their partner. There's something quite violent about it. I'm sure he wouldn't want a penis rammed up his anus with no warning. If it's a misjudgement hopefully he will learn.

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 09:11

Well you sound pretty assertive and he sounds quite remorseful so maybe it was a one off and he won't do anything like that again. Interesting that you say this happened a while back and it's still on your mind. How have things been since?

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 09:23

The bottom line (sorry about that) is that as sweet as he is, this is attempted assault. He may not have "meant" it that way, but it is. No wonder you feel a bit funny about him now.

Original poster

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 09:24

I haven't seen him. We don't see each other more than once or twice a month anyway as I am usually busy with work. Now I feel really reluctant to have him here; it has really put me off the desire to be intimate. That's why I wanting people's opinions on if I am over-reacting or not really.

I had a boyfriend as a teenager who tricked me into having anal with him on several occasions, and I think this occurrence just took me straight back to how I felt then. That's probably the main reason I am feeling so bad about it all.

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Dirtybadger · 02/10/2014 09:31

I wouldn't want him back in my bed. No problems with anal but it's a bit convenient that he tried something new whilst you were hungover and tired- without asking. No lubrication. No questions. Giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he wasn't aware he might hurt you or be doing something you didn't want) he is clumsy and naive. Neither of those things are sexy. Especially if you're just having sex (can't tell exactly what your relationship is).

It's not that hard to find someone who will ask before trying something new!

It's still bothering you and your opinion of him has obviously changed. You dont need to justify or rationalise that- if he no longer appeals to you...stop seeing him.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 09:38

This sort of thing has been happening a while I think. A good ten years ago a young colleague told me how she screamed the house down when her then boyfriend surprised her up the arse one morning. All her flatmates came running. It's just plain rude, apart from anything else.

Tonicandgin · 02/10/2014 09:46

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Surely lots of things are common place in porn but he knows not to do it as it's a mark of respect.

A ex attempted this to me previously, I went ballistic and then he had a go at me and suggested that I 'tease him with it' and say no, as opposed to just saying no. What a tosser. Didn't do it, but ashamed to say I didn't leave him, but he ditched me a month or so later, good riddance.

Personally, I think if he's just someone you see every month or so purely for sex, and you're feeling uncomfortable about it, I'd give it a miss, you can find someone else a bit more respectful.

JaceyBee · 02/10/2014 09:49

I don't think you're over reacting, and I don't think it was malicious on his part, just misguided and yes porn related.

I think the way you're feeling is connected to what happened to you as a teenager and maybe you could do with spending some time processing this experience and how you felt/feel about it, either alone or with a counsellor.

And it's a shame but if you've lost the sense of trust that is so important with sexual partners then you may well never feel the same about sleeping with this guy again and call time. I think you should be honest about why though, as it's an important lesson to learn, you can't just ram in up there ffs and it was completely unacceptable.

Hope you're feeling ok today x

cailindana · 02/10/2014 09:49

There's no such thing as overreacting in a situation like this. You feel the way you feel, you don't have to justify it. This was absolutely not an accident or a mistake, he deliberately and intentionally tried to do something that he knew you might object to while you were not on top form, in the hopes he would get away with it.

The whole point of sex (beyond procreation) is that it's fun and enjoyable. If someone just tramples over you in this way it makes total sense not to want them in your bed any more - what's the point? He's clearly not that bothered about what you like or don't like, he has little or no respect for you, so it's all a bit rubbish and a waste of time really.

Rest assured he will do something like this again in the future. It's not that he doesn't understand consent, it's that he feels lack of consent is an annoyance that he can get around in the right circumstances. Next time he'll make sure his victim is someone who'll just put up with it.

The guy who had sex with me while I was sleeping was oh so apologetic etc etc but really when it came down to it he was a socially acceptable rapist - the kind that uses the "grey area" of consent to get what he wants. These guys, IMO, are the most dangerous. They can rape as many women as they like with no consequences, as they know rather than going to the police, even strong, older women like you will doubt themselves and feel they've overreacted. Total win for them.

ouryve · 02/10/2014 09:53

I couldn't blame you for not even giving him the opportunity to try it again.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 09:58

When I was young I tried it and didn't like it. There wasn't the huge pressure to do it like there is now. It just seems to be "on the menu" and expected. I met this very young chap last year and after the first time we'd met and had sex, he was badgering for anal. What made it more surprising was that he'd been a virgin up to meeting me. So having got the vaginal stuff out the way it was like WAHEYYY bring on the arse fun. No thanks.

Original poster

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 10:10

We have been friends longer than we have been sleeping together, and I think that is partly why I am so upset. If he was just a casual shag then I could move on much faster. It is the fact that this is some one I genuinely thought had more respect for me that is upsetting.

People are right of course...I don't need to justify myself for not wanting to sleep with him again. Whether it was deliberate, or an ill advised misjudgement is against the point. I feel a line has been crossed, and I really don't want him in my bed right now.

Oh God Lois, I know JUST what you mean. It's like they go from 0-100 in 6 seconds flat. My guy has never really had any regular sexual thing with a woman before, and within 6 months he is so bored with what I'm offering that he's looking to push his luck!

It's astounding really, and also grimly depressing...

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 10:15

Well they can go and push their luck elsewhere. I usually tell people quite early on - nothing up the arse. I have no problem with it, it just isn't fun for me. And frankly, if a fanny is boring that quickly they must be doing it wrong.

Original poster

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 10:19

Love it Lois. I might get that last statement printed onto a t shirt!

OP posts:

cailindana · 02/10/2014 10:21

The fact is, in order to behave this way, he must on some level see your body as a plaything rather than as a real living human person that has feelings. I think that partly comes from porn but also comes from years of messages about women's bodies being there for decoration and pleasure. It must be quite a comedown for guys like this to learn that in fact sex is a social interaction with a person, not a ride in a theme park.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 10:22

It may be an urban legend, but I'm sure I've heard somewhere of a man withdrawing his penis after Anal Fun and finding a bit of sweetcorn on the end. That would certainly put them off.

ItsFunnierInEnochian · 02/10/2014 10:33

My first boyfriend was the same. Tried to ram it up there several times. The last time he tried it I was drunk and I did actually slap him really hard across the face. He made constant comments like "you need to watch porn and get some tips" [ angry] I was 17, virgin when I met him, no prior sexual experiences at all. I laughed in his face when he made the comment about porn and replied with "If you think that's how normal people have sex there is something very wrong with you." He replied "You don't have anything to compare it to as you've not had sex before so how do you know?" Again I laughed "Yes, I have nothing to compare it to and yet I still find your behaviour absolutely vile." Needless to say the relationship did not last long.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 10:34

Oh well done. And what a vile specimen. I wouldn't normally condone slapping but I probably would have slapped him too.

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